A man drinks a Red Bull, and it gives him wings. Intrigued,
the man uses his wings to fly up into the sky in a metropolitan area. Well,
this alarms air traffic control and is reported as a possible terrorist plot to
the army. Fighter jets are scrambled, and he is ordered down; but because he’s
never had wings before, he can’t control them, and he veers into one of the
fighters, causing it to crash. The other fighter jet launches a heat-seeking
missile at him, and he is blown up. Then the announcer says: “Drink Monster
energy drink: it doesn’t give you
wings; it turns you into a monster!”
Then we see a young man drink a Monster energy drink,
transform into a monster, and the cops show up and shoot him, to which the announcer
says: “Um, on second though, don’t drink Monster, drink Rock Star energy drink!”
Then we see a young man drink a Rock Star energy drink, and
he is instantly transformed into a rock star, with groupies and drugs and money
everywhere. And never having had this lifestyle before, he immediately
overindulges and dies of a drug overdose (or choking on his own vomit, whichever
you prefer). Then the announcer says: “I mean, um, do the Dew!”
Then we see some teenage daredevil guzzle a Mountain Dew and
jump off the peak of some tall mountain on a snowboard, yelling: “Whoo-hoo!”
This triggers an avalanche, and in trying to outrun it, he smashes into a large
jagged boulder and is killed, after which he is smothered by the avalanche. And
the announcer says: “Oh, my God! I guess you’d better stick to coffee!”
Then we see someone drinking a cup of coffee while all warm
and cozy on their couch at home doing the New
York Times crossword puzzle. And it ends up being an ad for a coffee drink.
(But just then, a monster truck from a Doritos Jacked ad comes crashing through
their living room window, barreling into them, killing them; which just goes to
show you the dangers of caffeinated beverages.)
