Sunday, September 18, 2016

Clinton Compromise

At the moment, many Americans would like for Hillary Clinton to become the next president, and many Americans also would like Hillary to go to jail. Well, thanks to a long series of tough negotiations over this issue, a compromise finally has been reached.

The White House will be retrofitted with bars over all the windows and doors, and heavy locks will be placed on all entrances, including any and all underground passageways. A perimeter wall with a few machine gun nest atop it will be built around the White House. Then, Hillary will be allowed to be president and move into the White House prison. And she will be allowed to govern, so long as she doesn’t leave the premises, and as long as she uses her own quarters in the White House prison phone. And her family and Congress members may visit her, but only during visiting hours, and they may not pass anything to the president unless it has been searched for guns, files, hacksaws, etc.

And Hillary will have to wear an orange pantsuit. It was going to be a jumpsuit, but they decided to be flexible when they saw she already had an orange pantsuit. And it has been arranged to pay her in ramen noodles: the successor to cigarettes as prison currency.

Also, whether she likes it or not, Hillary will be released after four years, and in order to spend more time in the White House, she will have to commit further crimes. But I hear that’s no problem: her campaign released a statement saying she’s already planning them, and she will be sure to get caught red-handed next time to ensure her sentencing.

There: I hope everyone is happy now.

(My apologies Clinton supporters: I couldn’t resist. Please don't get mad: it's just a joke.)