We all watch football games, but many of us probably don’t realize that the official legal policy of the NFL is that nobody’s allowed to talk about the games without their (the NFL’s) previous written approval. Or at least, that’s what they say during the games. No, really: they say you can’t rebroadcast them and stuff, but then they say you can’t even give any verbal accounts of the games either, which means that you’re not even allowed to talk about it at all. I’m not even kidding about this. If you don’t believe me, then listen for the legal disclaimer during the next game: that’s the actual policy: you’re not allowed to talk about it: Period. (Unless you get prior written approval first! And how could you possibly get that, as a fan?)
So that means we’re not allowed to talk about the game at work the next day around the water cooler: if you see or hear anyone doing it, call 911! That’s against the law, man! It’s like Fight Club: the rule is, you don’t talk about football! (Unless you ask the NFL first if it’s OK!)
So this raises an issue with me. Some business entity (any business entity) thinks that they have the right to muzzle us all about their product? So we’re not allowed to say anything about it at all? That’s absurd! I can see a federal judge giving someone a gag order because certain information might in some way damage an important legal case, or prejudice the jury against a defendant; but the idea that a televised sport has the same authority to place a gag order upon everyone is just ludicrous! Maybe they ought to have this restriction included in the First Amendment of the United States Constitution: "Freedom of speech, except about football games: you’re not allowed to talk about them". What a bunch of egomaniac jerks at the NFL! (But they’re big, so please don’t tell them I said this. Actually, it’s not the players who are to blame here, it's the NFL's lawyers: and they probably aren’t big, except in their own minds.)
But if we actually did what they’re legally requiring of us (i.e.: ask for permission to be able to talk about the games), we’d end up giving the NFL a legal request version of a “denial of service attack” (that’s when hackers overload a website with requests, so I’m told), where everyone would end up calling and writing in all at once to ask if we can talk about the game at work, or in our carpools, etc. (BTW: I’m not suggesting that we try to do this to the NFL {This whole article is just a joke.}; but if we all called to ask for permission at the same time like they seem to want us to have to do, maybe they’d see how dumb their restrictions are, and they’d drop the stupid part. Because, seriously: the way it’s currently worded, nobody’s allowed to talk about the game at work at all {they say we're not allowed to make any verbal descriptions of the game without prior written approval from the NFL! For real: they say that. Maybe not in those exact words, but that’s the gist of it.}, which is probably why at least 1/3 of office workers watch it in the first place: so they have something to talk to their co-workers about at work! {Or to brown-nose the boss, if he/she likes football.}) Maybe if we all did it, they’d drop the ridiculously overbearing language of their legal disclaimer which makes it sound like we’ll get hard prison time for talking about the previous day’s game with our friends. Otherwise, we’ll all be stuck saying stuff like this:
Football Fan #1: Hey man, did you see the game last night?
Football Fan #2: Yes! Man, it was, um… well, you know.”
Football Fan #1: Yeah, it was totally, um, you know…
Football Fan #2: I know! It was.
That’s what they are legally demanding of us with their blanket TV legal announcements. They might as well just say it: The first rule of NFL Football is, you don’t talk about NFL Football. The second rule of NFL Football is, (ditto). (Like with Fight Club.)
So that means that, literally, if you say to someone in a cab: “Did you see that kickoff return for 99 yards?”, the cab driver could be an undercover NFL operative waiting to bust you! And I’ll bet they’ve even got Dick Butkus and William “The Refrigerator” Perry in the trunk waiting to tackle you when you try to get out of the cab! Hey you never know! From the way they word it, it could be true!
I’ll bet there is a similar legal terms statement written on the tickets for people who go see the game, too. So if you go to the game, you can’t discuss it with people as you’re leaving the stadium. In fact, I’ll bet that technically, as the legal boilerplate “contract” is written, if your friend goes to the bathroom during the game, and then they come back and ask you what they missed, according to the rules as written, you’re not allowed to tell them. And if someone catches you, they could probably throw you out of the game. To me, this whole idea is simply ridiculous. Plus, since everyone is always talking about the games already anyway, they are training us to break their legal rules all the time, so when a bigger violation presents itself, most people will probably just go ahead and do that too, just because we’re so used to doing it, and because of how annoyed we all are with their overbearing policy.
I can see them maybe wanting permission before you write something for money about a game whereby your written account makes people not want to bother watching the game, but I can’t see where that would happen nowadays anyway. Plus, any time anybody talks or writes about a game, that’s free advertising for the NFL! I mean, I understand that as the biggest sport in America, they hardly need it, but still: why try to kill a good thing? This overbearing legal policy seems to me to be the kind of punitive behavior that could turn people off and away from NFL football, like when Major League Baseball sued little league teams for using similar team names to the pro teams. (Yes, they did that: punishing kids for playing baseball and giving pro teams free advertising; or that’s probably how it seemed to the kids. Was it Sarah Silverman who said the thing about something being like a kid being raped by Santa Claus? Well, for a little boy, being sued by Major League Baseball is like that.)
Here’s a couple of articles about the MLB suing little league (The first one is about Stephen Colbert making fun of it, and the second one mentions how the MLB is ludicrously overbearing in their legal claims of ownership of all conversations related to baseball games.):
Now, I have no idea why the NFL feels like they have to make such an absurdly controlling legal contract demand with all their game broadcasts. Soccer games don’t have the same statement when you watch those games. Plus, in this internet & smartphone & YouTube age, where everybody is always sending everyone else unlicensed video clips, it seems like this kind of policy is extremely outdated; but still, they have it with every game. I know there’s no point to extend the policy to try to keep people from talking about the games amongst themselves, but I think I know why they do it. Just consider this for a moment if you will: The NFL’s lawyers are probably little nerdy guys who watch enviously while huge, strong, muscular guys smear each other into the ground, etc., every week, and it makes them jealous of that power. So then these lawyers decide they’re going to try to intimidate the viewing audience through legal jargon in the same way the football players do with their physical presence. Do you see what I’m getting at here? It’s like a mid-life-crisis-mobile car for a fat, bald, 50-year-old: it’s overcompensating for something lacking in the lawyers’ lives or self-esteem. This is the only way this makes sense at all.
I’m sorry, but I don’t have the patience to try to find exactly the NFL legal quote I’m looking for (just listen for it during the next game on TV!), but if you have any doubts about their legal overkill, then look at this (It’s the terms of service for the NFL cable deal, and it’s very long and detailed!):
