I’m watching a Nature episode about giant crocodiles. I’m only watching it because Real Madrid can’t even score on a crappy team after a half and a half, and I’m being reminded of when they lost to a third-tier team during the Champions League two years ago. Anyway, I can’t take it anymore, so I switched to the channel where what I’ve been waiting all day for is on: Masterpiece Mystery. So it’s not that I hate nature or anything; actually I like this show a lot sometimes: they had one where they showed how birds of prey’s wings influenced the design of stealth jets! (The problem is that China gets to see that episode too. Or do we build our secret stealth weapons there too? I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if we did.)
Anyway, the issue I had with this episode of Nature is that there’s some guy who’s an expert on giant crocs, and he’s wagging his legs in the water to try to attract them, and then he says: “Oh, I’m disappointed I’m not getting any response today.” (!) Me too! I wanted to see one bite his legs off just to show him! If they’re such good predators, then why don’t they? Maybe they know to avoid stupid TV shows if they’re so advanced. But my issue is this: to show a guy who is an expert on a vicious predator doing something dumb and getting away with it, this will probably leave everyone else as bait for them in real life! “Well the expert did it, and he was fine!”, said the guy with no legs. (Or is that their plan to feed their favorite endangered animals?)
Remember: we’re in the Jackass generation. It’s probably considered “cool” to have your legs bitten off by a giant crocodile these days. (Yay! You get a rocket-propelled wheelchair for doing it!) People worry about how we’re going to compete in the global marketplace, but I know how! We have the world’s largest natural resource of macho dumbasses! YouTube videos of people getting wiped-out will never go out of style! And the more the rest of the world gets our jobs, the more they’ll need us rednecks to injure ourselves for their amusement! So don’t worry: America’s got it made!
Thank you, Johnny Knoxville, for the next boom market: expendable idiots doing stunts! You’ve saved America’s future! (Tell your Mom I said so: she’ll never believe you!)
