Yes, United Healthcare has a new commercial! It has some older guy riding a motorcycle, talking about super-cool biker-related stuff, like doctors and prescriptions. And we can tell something’s wrong with him, because he’s got all these letters and numbers emitting from his skin and evaporating into the air. That’s a dangerous condition, and he’s got it so bad, it’s even escaping through his leather jacket and jeans through a process of osmosis (I guess), and that’s the most advanced stage of this letter and number shedding disease! Pretty soon, he’ll have no letters or numbers left! They’re white, so I have to figure they’re made out of his bones and white blood cells or something, and pretty soon he’ll collapse into a glorpy pile of squishy flesh! Which would be fine if he was like the person in the last ad for United Healthcare: you see, she’s part fish! So she could just jump in the water and swim away!
So is this guy part fish too? They don’t say so, but if he is, then he could just become a squid or a jellyfish or something. Or maybe he’s just turning into a fish before our eyes! Who knows, but I’m getting the feeling that United Healthcare doesn’t want us to know that he’s part fish! Maybe last time they let the cat out of the bag that they’re helping mermen take over the world, so they’re trying to distract us with the motorcycle in the hopes that we’ll forget that they’re tricking us into buying health insurance from them so that they can use the money to finance the invasion of mermen and mermaids from Atlantis to take over the Earth (!). Or maybe they’re using the money from their health insurance premiums to fund secret genetic experiments they conduct on their patients to turn them all into an army of monstrous fish-men to conquer the world! Hey: it could happen! (It probably happens all the time!)
I really think this is a serious threat because I can’t find this ad, and I can’t find the surfer girl who is part fish ad either, and that proves they’re trying to hide them from conspiracy researchers, who we all know live on the internet, trolling endlessly for stuff to find suspicious. Well, it’s suspicious that we can’t find it! And that proves something funny’s going on with these guys and all their part-fish accomplices! So, what is it they don’t want us to find out?
