Wow, climate scientists must be really bored or something.
Now they’re saying dinosaur flatulence (no kidding) may have warmed the Earth.
And since plant-eating dinosaurs would have been responsible for most of the
methane gas, carnivorous predatory dinosaurs such as the T-Rex must have
evolved specifically to battle this climate threat! (Either that, or they were
created, and we’re not permitted to allow for the possibility of a creator in
science: we must always keep a closed mind in science! Um, wait, was that… And
couldn’t evolution be considered a system of “intelligent design”? Oh, never
mind!) So then they were the very first environmental/global warming activists!
Wow! (And they used such effective tactics, too! Which means of course that
vegans must want to destroy the Earth with global warming, since they oppose
the eating of meat, which gradually eliminates the threat by eating the
gaseously guilty one-by-one! Plus, they're eating all the plants that might reduce carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere!)
But you know what this means if they are correct about this,
right? Well, then obviously global warming is not man made, at least not directly. I know you’re probably ahead of me
here, but I’m just going to come out and say what we’re all thinking here:
Someone has been secretly cloning dinosaurs, and that’s what’s been causing global warming! I’ll
bet Steven Spielberg and ILM are the ones! They didn’t have the technology for
photorealism yet in their 3D computer imaging, so they simply did the lazy
thing and they cloned a bunch of real dinosaurs for Jurassic Park! Oh, but then that plot point from Jurassic Park 3, where the dinosaurs are evolving at a
super-accelerated rate, must have come from their actual experience (who could think up something like that on their
own? It’s simply too unbelievable! It must be true!), and they’ve clearly lost the ability to counter
the dinosaur over-population of Earth, and they’re procreating like rabbits!
(Enormous, ravenous, deadly, super-intelligent killer rabbits with giant,
razor-sharp teeth, that is!) Oh, my God!
So then this is what will
really cause the Mayan Apocalypse
this year! And the ancient Maya said it was when Kukulkan, their feathered
serpent god, would return to Earth: because it was the closest thing they could
understand to what the truth was going to be: dinosaurs will return to conquer
the planet again! And they were trying to warn us! And that’s why Steven
Spielberg and ILM went back in time to shut them up before they could reveal
the whole truth! And that’s why the Mayan civilization died out hundreds of
years ago! Oh, the humanity! And Spielberg et. al. will simply use this
ILM-developed time machine to escape to another time, and leave us all for
dinosaur food! Once again: oh, the humanity! And all these movies where people
get eaten by giant ravenous monsters: Jaws, Jurassic Park, etc.,
have been to prepare us for the horror of what is to come! Aaaaa! Those
monsters! (And I don’t mean the dinosaurs!)
(Mind you, this is but a theory. I have no real proof that
Steven Spielberg and ILM have cloned dinosaurs, etc., YET! But that puts me at the same
scientific level as these scientists, I’ll bet. But hey: What a great new
science-fiction movie this could make: Dinosaur Farts: The Movie! In a bleak future where fossil fuels have completely
run out, and atmospheric haze prevents solar panels from producing enough
electricity for an over-populated world, one man must use all his creativity,
strength and courage to develop a time-portal pipeline to transport prehistoric
dinosaur farts to the present as humanity’s desperately needed energy source!
But the smell of these dinosaur farts is so intensely, pungently, disgustingly
stinky, it is almost immediately fatal to the smeller! Plus, he must devise a
way to transport this super-concentrated dinosaur flatulence gas such that it does
not leak out into the civilized world and create stinky death and accelerated
global warming in the present! Maybe it can be Steve Spielberg’s next giant
sci-fi spectacular: Jurassic Fart: Power to the People! {<That way the movie title would have a 99%er
populist feel to it, in addition to being a renewable-energy sci-fi
environmentalist thriller.})
Here’s the titanic tooting threat tale:
(It’s funny that they’re trying to say dinosaur flatulence
caused such hot temperatures in prehistoric times, because they always said
before that the hot, humid climate is what caused dinosaurs to be so gigantic
in size to begin with. So, um, what is it now? They were all big-boned or
something? Or maybe little teensy dinosaurs farted lots and lots and it started
a process that made Earth hotter and hotter and so they grew larger and larger?
I’m sorry, but I have to call dinosaur-sized bull$#!† here: that sounds patently
ridiculous, as though they are grasping at straws or something. And this isn’t
going to win them much credibility. But hey: at least it’s entertaining, which
is more than I can say for most climate science! And it will make all the
school kids giggle lots and lots, and maybe it will even foster in them a
passionate interest in science. {But probably not.})
