(This is a joke prequel to a {semi-}serious piece about this ad, which will be posted next. I just didn’t want the post to be too long. But this is just a joke! Please don’t think me a bona fide warmonger: It’s irony, I tells ya’!)
Hey, here’s an animated ad that shows an Erlenmeyer flask and a ranking of countries by science test results, and then they say we should work towards getting on the top of that list again. And then they say their new tagline: “Let’s solve this.” But seeing as how we’ve been seeing schools dropping their academic standards here in America just to keep schools from failing, don’t they have a better idea for how to “solve this”?
If they really want to put America on top again, why doesn’t ExxonMobil just lobby the US Congress to have the American military “remove” all the countries that are ahead of the United States in academic standards? (Surely they have enough influence for this, right?) Then America would be on top again! And best of all, we wouldn’t even have to do any work on our education system to get there! (The education problems are hard; but we’ve already got the missiles!) Plus, this would teach other countries not to do better than America in education in the future, so we’d never look bad again! It just seems like an extremely efficient way to “solve this” (since that’s what they said they want to do). Unless, of course, you want to admit America is not #1! (And only a traitor would say that {even if it’s true}! Oh, but then I guess that would make ExxonMobil, um, er, that is… Uh, never mind.)
And additionally (and best for ExxonMobil), if they could make this happen, oil wouldn’t be the top target of environmental activists anymore: nukes would! So this whole thing would have oil companies smelling like a rose! (Well, perhaps a rose soaked in oil, but that’s still a rose, last I checked!) And while all the environmentalists were busy with their new push against nuclear weapons and nuclear power plants, the oil companies (and especially ExxonMobil) could quietly take over the world and drill in everyone’s back yards! (And that’s probably why they’ve been running these education-themed ads lately, so we’ll all be brainwashed into insisting upon this education-rank-raising nuke-attack strategy! And it’s got to be due to subliminal advertising: I didn’t think of this: they made me do it! Help, help: I’m being mind-controlled! {You know it's true! They're probably doing it to you, too!})
And another thing this might help with: President Obama has made it clear that he would like to get rid of all of America’s nuclear weapons. Well, here’s a way we could get rid of them all, and shoot to the top of the academic achievement scale at the same time! So it would be like killing two birds with one stone; and with such a big country full of bird hunters, that would be perfect! (He could just say he accidentally butt-dialed the launch codes. People accidentally butt-dial their cell-phones all the time, so it would be the perfect excuse!)
And lastly, everyone already thinks oil companies are evil, and environmentalists have been saying for years that oil companies are destroying the Earth, so if ExxonMobil got caught lobbying for such an approach to solving this science ranking issue, nobody would be surprised, and it wouldn’t make them look any worse than they already do. Plus, ExxonMobil could simply say: “Hey, you’ve been accusing us of destroying the Earth for years, so we thought it was about time we finally did it, just so we wouldn’t be blamed for stuff we didn’t do anymore. After all, when you get accused of something for long enough, eventually you just want to go ahead and finally do it, since you’re already being trashed for having done it anyway!”
Here’s the scientific spot (but you have to jump through some hoops to see it, since they don’t want to get bashed on YouTube, I guess. Yes, I’m afraid you have to press the button that says: “Watch the video”. But little do you know, it’s a missile trigger, and you’ll be responsible for the coming nuclear holocaust! {That way, they have plausible deniability!} But if it will put the USA on top again in education, I suppose you’ll be treated like a hero later, huh?):
(Of course, this is a joke. I don’t really want ExxonMobil to have the American military eliminate all the countries that are outperforming America in school stuff! And I especially don’t want to do it after this new vote that says the US can indefinitely detain any American citizen without charge or trial, so long as they say it’s a terrorism suspect! {YIKES!} So, in fact, I deny all knowledge of this post; and furthermore, someone else must have written it!)
