Friday, May 4, 2012

Orbit Breakfast Burrito Ad

Some guy riding on a train is eating some omelet or breakfast burrito, and then some very pretty girl sits down near him, so he drops his omelet into the bag at his feet, and tries to act all sexy and macho (or whatever), but his plans are foiled when it turns out the omelet has the power to morph itself into a person-sized humanoid Breakfast Burrito Monster, and it then gets revenge for being bitten and thrown away by eating the guy right in front of his dream girl (!!). And, naturally, since she's so hungry from starving herself to maintain her svelte figure (due to dangerous body-image propaganda in the media), once that burrito-monster takes a bite, she can't resist the temptation to take a bite herself, and once she's actually tasted human flesh, she becomes a ravenous cannibal! And then she and the breakfast burrito-monster find that they have more in common than they originally thought, and they become uncontrollably attracted to one another, fall in love, become lovers, get married, and have a whole litter of burrito-monster/human-hybrid children. And wouldn't you know it, but at school, all the other kids take one bite out of them, and then when cute girls appear, they drop these poor monstrous children into a paper bag and ignore them as though they had never even existed! (Oh, the semi-humanity!)

Okay, that doesn't actually happen. But I heard that was the original script for this commercial, and it was mangled, mutilated, bowdlerized and castrated by focus groups! So now who will speak for the half-burrito/half-human children? I ask you: why must they be the victims in all of this? For they are the only truly innocent individuals in this entire scenario! Yet they must be elbowed out of view just because people don't like the ugly truth of man's inhumanity to burrito-monsters!

Actually, that didn't happen either. I must be being possessed by a politician or something, because I'm expounding so much poppycock and so many falsehoods tonight! The truth is, when I first saw this ad this evening, when the guy dropped the breakfast burrito into the bag, I thought it was because he didn't want to have to share it with this girl. And then I thought perhaps he would sneak it into the bathroom with him to finish eating it, while he sat on the toilet pretending to go to the bathroom, but that his bringing a paper bag into the restroom with him looked odd and sufficiently suspicious as to intrigue the secret NSA warriors and rail marshals and alert them to a possible terrorist attack, and they battered the door in and caught him in the act of eating a burrito on the toilet, which looked so strange they thought he was ingesting explosives, and the girl he selfishly refused to offer any of his breakfast burrito to was so insulted and incensed by this whole affair (being very pretty, and as such she was used to everyone bending over backwards to flatter her and offering to give her anything they had in the hopes she would consent to go out on a date with them later, which she would do, but then she would later stand them up and tell everyone how she dumped "that loser", causing them to lose all self-respect and commit suicide), that she told the government agents that she heard him talking to a terrorist mastermind on his cell-phone, and that she heard him say he was going to eat PETN inside of a breakfast burrito, and so he gets his stomach pumped, gets a forced enema and colonoscopy, and spends the rest of his days in Guantanamo Bay prison. But that didn't even happen either!

So what does happen is that this guy must have had his breakfast burrito spiked with angel dust or LSD or perhaps even peyote, because after he drops it into the bag, he hallucinates a giant breakfast burrito monster that commands him to kill the girl, which he does (off screen, after the end of this scene; or at least, that's what I heard happened!). And all because he didn't get an Orbit Gum burrito: the only brand of breakfast burrito that won't force you to hallucinate and kill people on commuter rail lines!

Oh, but after this dangerous hallucination appears (which is especially dangerous because this girl also sees this hallucination, so it's like a mass-hysteria-type situation, like in The Happening or something!), and then they hallucinate that the Orbit spokesbabe appears and says: "Don't let food hang around!" (Oh, great! Now, thanks to Orbit, we're going to have lots of homeless food living on the streets and bumming change from everyone! Thanks, Orbit!) But I really feel I must point out that the food was hanging around in the bag right in front of the guy anyway, so until he gets up and throws it away, the food is going to hang around anyway, no matter how much gum he chews, or how many things he hallucinates. Besides, she might have other gross stuff appear too, so why not simply assume she's got bad breath too, and not worry about it? And additionally, she's sitting far enough away to not smell his breath much anyway, so why worry about it? Plus, if he just got a spearmint-gel-toothpaste burrito, his breath would be minty-fresh, and he'd avoid going hungry. And, it's gross enough that she wouldn't want any anyway, and it would make his breath fresher and fresher with every bite, so surely he'd want to eat the whole thing, right? (And that way there would be no senseless food waste!)

Plus, doesn't this whole "don't let food hang around" sound rather like a slogan encouraging bulimia or something? Because doesn't food hang around in your stomach after you eat it? So then they must be recommending we all binge and purge and then chew their gum to cover up our vomit-breath, right? I mean, what else could it possibly mean? And the Orbit spokesbabe is shown dragging this nice, friendly breakfast burrito away bodily down the aisle of the train car, after which she will most certainly toss it off the train in a ruthless murderous frenzy! And if that's not an intentional metaphor for bulimia, I don't know what is!

Here's this very silly spot:

Okay, this is all a ridiculously stupid joke all around, but this Orbit ad campaign seems a bit mean-spirited to me. Everyone is always being a jerk to each other in these ads, even showing this guy turning against his own kind-hearted breakfast in a vicious act of betrayal, and even after this burrito-hallucination did its best to say what a nice guy this guy is, and all to try to help hook him up with this girl! Some gratitude, let me tell you! And after all this, this guy gets all snuggly with this girl, while the poor burrito gets hurled off the train to its death! But this jerk gets his comeuppance: for this girl is the younger sister of a Mafia hit-man, and when he sees this guy putting the moves on his sister, he goes absolutely berserk and slays this schmuck on the spot! And then it turns out that this girl only cuddled up to this jerk because she knew her brother would lose it and kill him, and she loves to see people horribly murdered in front of her! Oh, the humanity! Well, if only this guy had appreciated his breakfast burrito and treated it like the friend it truly was, he would have saved himself from this violent victimization of an untimely demise! Well, it's his own fault! And let that be a lesson to you, too: food is your friend, and any woman who would try to make you go without it is not worth your time or your burrito, be it breakfast or otherwise!