“They were born to climb, born to leap, born to stalk, and
born to pounce!” So begins this commercial for Purina One SmartBlend cat food.
Then they claim that this is why they journeyed to Africa, “where their wild
ancestor was born” (?), and that there they discovered the secret that has
baffled mankind about cats for countless generations: that apparently “cats
were born to be cats”. (Yawn!) So they went all the way to Africa just to do
some fake study and then parrot back to us some stupid cliché as a
pseudoscientific point? Hmm, it sounds like someone must have gotten a
government research grant!
But if you read between the lines of this little
environmentalist propaganda-looking ad, you’ll see their real agenda clear as
day: they are trying to feed our cats cat food that will turn them into
dangerous, ferocious jungle cats, so they’ll eat us all up! You know it’s true!
This “scientifically formulated” cat food is nothing less than Dr. Jekyll’s Mr.
Hyde formula for domestic felines! Then they’ll turn into their vicious
predatory ancestral beast form, and they’ll stalk us all over the house and
maul us like the giant mice we’ve truly always been to them! And Purina is
doing this whole pet food thing as a way to design a hyper-evolved species of
super-cat for use as a bio-weapon in future wars! Because after all, cats are
the easiest animal to train, right?
Oh, wait: cats don’t like to follow commands, do they?
(Maybe they should have used dogs.) Then they will create a new race of
super-predator that will be uncontrollable! They’ll kill us all! Oh, my God!
Aaaaa! But perhaps this is the only way to help mitigate human overpopulation
(since we’re not allowed to regulate reproduction, even though it’s really our
only hope of not Soylent Green-izing our
world eventually!): breeding a new super-intelligent über-cat to hunt humans.
And naturally PeTA will make it
so you’re not allowed to even fight back against them when they attack you, or
else it’s “animal abuse”! (Need I even say: “Oh, the humanity”?)
Here’s the cute & cuddly carnivore cuisine commercial:
This ad’s tagline is: “Discover your cat’s true nature!” Are
they referring to house cats? Um, I think I know their true nature from when
they leave dead birds and mice on the welcome mat all the time, and chase
around anything that moves, grabbing at it with their scimitar claws of death!
They sit in the window, staring and pining away for the opportunity to sink
their deadly fangs into the throat of some other cute animal! They’re just
cute, warm & fuzzy murder machines! We’re just lucky we’re bigger enough
than them that we don’t currently fall onto their natural menu selection! If we
ever do: look out! (But I love cats, don’t get me wrong! And this is a beautifully shot spot, isn’t it?)
BTW: The species that is the domesticated cat is “Felis
Catus”, or “Felis Sylvestris Catus”. So, um, is that “Sylvestris” part why
Sylvester the Cat was so-named? Or was it because of Sylvester the Cat that the scientific name got that
“Sylvestris” part shoehorned into it? I only ask because stuff gets named after
people all the time, so why not the fictional characters that inspire them,
too? And since the “Sylvestris” part is generally deleted today, I suppose I’ll
opt for the latter explanation. (It’s more fun to believe that anyway!)
