SNL brought up the “War on Christmas” in their intro sketch
tonight, and it reminded me of something. Whenever I see a story about the “War
on Christmas”, I generally see a graphic of a green pine tree shape (like one
of those car fresheners) with a red circle around it and with the diagonal red
line through it. That’s not a “War on Christmas” tree! A “War on Christmas”
tree should look like a war tree, man! So it should be decorated appropriately!
Here are some suggestions:
Rather than a regular 5-pointed star on the top, it should
be topped off with a razor-sharp Chinese throwing star! Then, instead of
regular, boring Christmas tree balls, the “War on Christmas” tree should be
decorated with hand grenades all over it, but maybe painted red and green, to
indicate blood and camo. Also, instead of popcorn strings wrapped around the
tree, there should be bullet belts full of machine gun bullets. Then, since
it’s a Christmas tree, it should have wrapped presents arranged and stacked up all
underneath it, but since it’s also a “War on Christmas” tree, they should all
be “suspicious packages” and letter-bombs and such. And, last but not least, it
should have assault rifles leaning up against it from all sides. Oh, and it
should be planted on a landmine, rather than one of those tree-stabilizers:
that way, if anyone tries to remove it, it will blow them up.
So from now on, whenever I see a news story about the “War
on Christmas”, I want to see an appropriate
“War on Christmas” tree accompanying the story! Otherwise, it’s not really a real war, now is it?
(Oh, by the way, if you get drafted to fight the “War on
Christmas”, do you have to wear a Santa Claus uniform? On at least one side, I’d think
they would be Santa Clauses. Or would that be elves as soldiers being led by a
Santa Claus officer?)
And this is just a joke: please don’t put grenades on Christmas trees, and please don’t put Christmas trees on
landmines! (I can’t believe I’m actually writing a disclaimer about this, but
if I don’t, the FBI might just show up in Santa Claus suits and take me away…)
