China, in its explanation for its support of Assad’s blatant murdering of thousands of unarmed civilians in Syria, said that the United States and Europe were “hiding a dagger behind a smile” in the attempts to end the bloodshed. This is embarrassing, because it sounds like it might be true. You see, here in America, we all have gleaming, glittering, shiny white teeth that are their absolute whitest, unlike those in Arab nations or in China. This is because we all use Crest White Strips. We all say it’s so we can get our teeth their absolute whitest so we can look all sexy and stuff, but it’s possible that we’re also doing it to blind everyone with our bright white teeth so they won’t be able to see the shiny dagger behind our smile. (I hope I’m not accidentally giving away any vital spy secrets or anything!)
I know you’re probably thinking: “Well, why go to all that trouble? Couldn’t you just paint the dagger’s blade black or something, rather than bleach your teeth white like that?” Well, you could, if it were legal. But the United Nations has strict laws on how you’re allowed to hide daggers in your mouths, and painting them is cheating. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules here. But the laws are obviously behind the times, and they never could have predicted we would develop tooth whiteners that would outshine even the shiniest daggers. And that’s why the U.N. is so ineffective: They never even update their regulations and laws to keep up with the cosmetics and dental industries! (And that’s just lazy!)
But you know, and maybe no-one has thought of this yet, if China suspects us of hiding a dagger behind our smile, then why don’t we just hide it somewhere else? They’d never be expecting that! We could put it in our back pockets, hide it up our sleeves, or even put it up our own butts: they’d never think of looking there! So while they’re busy inspecting our mouths, we could crap out the dagger and stab them (or whoever else we're trying to stab)! See? It’s foolproof!
(I feel like there must be an ad for Crest White Strips in there somewhere, don’t you?)
But do you suppose if we sent diplomats without any teeth, China might trust us then?
Here’s the stabtacular, smiling story:
