President Obama released his new budget, which has made a lot of Republicans mad. They say the only cuts in the budget are “phantom cuts”. Well, they think they’re mad? How do you think the phantoms are going to feel about this?
Look, we’ve all seen what sharp budget cuts are doing in Greece, right? They’re all on strike! Well, this is the worst possible time for phantom cuts! All the ghosts are going to go on strike! Haunted houses will lose all their business! Plus, what’s even worse is that all the dozens of TV shows about ghosts are going to come up empty-handed in their ghost-hunting endeavors; and guess what that’s going to do to them? That’s right: they’re all going to be canceled!
Think of all those paranormal investigators out of work! They don’t have any other skills; they can’t get another job! And they can’t even get hired by private employers anymore if the ghosts all go on strike! What would they hunt for: non-existent entities? That's ridiculous! Why, nobody would tune in to watch a bunch of frauds jerk everyone around with grainy video footage of nothing shot in night vision green. A whole TV bonanza will dry up with these cuts! And it’s all President Obama’s fault! (See: He really is killing jobs! Oh, but maybe the dead jobs will come back as ghost jobs to haunt us all and get the paranormal investigators back to work!)
And if you think that’s bad, wait until the phantoms all come out to protest! You can’t even arrest those guys: their hands slide right through the handcuffs! They’ll march on Washington, sliming anyone who tries to stop them with ectoplasm! It will be a madhouse: A MADHOUSE! (Oh, sorry, that’s the Planet of the Apes scenario. But this will be just as bad, let me tell you!) I mean, it will be a haunted madhouse! A Mad Haunted House!
