In another post, I made a joke about how other soda ads have
hot celebrities in them, but that I only drink club soda, so where are all the
hot celebrity-filled ads for club soda? Then I suggested that they could make
some hype-filled ad where there’s an exclusive nightclub called “Club Soda”,
where everyone, including all the hottest young famous celebrities, is waiting
behind the velvet rope to get into the club; and once inside, they all get a
big refreshing glass of club soda, and then they all dance around in ecstasy.
(The truth is that most dance club people dancing around in ecstasy have a
bottle of regular water, because they are
on ecstasy.) I thought this idea was ridiculous, but then I realized something:
the obesity epidemic.
More and more, we keep hearing from researchers and the
government about how bad sodas are for everyone, and that they’re making
everyone fat. (Sodas are identical to what they were when I was a kid, and I
was thin all my life until recently, and I don’t drink any soda anymore. Except, like I said: club soda, and that has 0
calories.) But club soda has zero calories, so maybe we could see these
super-hot celebrity endorsement ads like I joked about above. How? Well…
The government keeps bitching more and more about sodas
being fattening, so what they could do is this: They could make a new law that
says that for every commercial a soda company makes for their sugary soda, they
must also make a similarly budgeted ad for a zero calorie drink, like club
soda. (They ought to specify club soda, actually, so my ad can become a
reality! Otherwise, it’s just government oppression, man!) Plus, they could
strengthen the law to make it more specifically club soda-oriented, by saying
it must be a zero calorie soda, but that it can’t have any artificial
sweeteners in it. (And it must be clear and carbonated, and with no artificial
flavors or colors. And no natural ones, either! And it must have the word
“club” and “soda” in the name too; but only two words allowed in the name!)
But seriously, while I am joking here, I’m also being
serious, as in: club soda is zero calories, and if advertised to the hilt with
hot starlets and sports heroes, it could take off like any other soda, and help
reduce people’s waistlines. (Oh, but then belt makers might be adversely
affected! {But seriously: stars might resist this idea, because without sodas
making everyone else fat, then they might not be celebrities, and someone else
might have gotten noticed, and not them! So then I guess we’ll just have to increase their taxes!})
