A news item today claims Vera Wang wedding dresses are
cursed. (Apparently, a bunch of celebrities who have wed in them have gotten
divorced. I’ve never heard of a celebrity being divorced before, so it must be true!) So I guess now we know what the next big horror movie trend is going
to be, right? Cursed wedding dress movies! Yes, I can see it now:
It’s the first night of the honeymoon, and the newly married
couple flirts with each other on their wedding bed. Oh, but there’s a movement
in the background, it’s… That’s right: It’s a cursed wedding dress, and it kills
them both! Then, in the next scene, the same wedding dress is in a thrift store
on a mannequin in the window. A soon-to-be-wed woman grabs her mother’s wrist
on the sidewalk outside and says: “That’s it! That’s the dress I’ve always
dreamed of!” Her mother can’t argue with the price, and guess what: it fits (!)…
Cut to the wedding, and everyone is having a great time.
They dance the dances, they take the photos, they make the toasts, they throw
the bouquet and garter, etc. Then, after changing out of their wedding clothes,
the couple sneaks off to their honeymoon cruise together. But just as they
drive off, something stirs in the back seat of their car (!!)… (Needless to
say, they are found dead the next morning in their car, and the wedding dress
is presumed missing.)
Next the wedding dress finds itself in a donation bin, and
considered too nice for the local thrift shop, it is sold to a vintage clothing
store, where it is displayed with pride on the wall. Several employees meet
grisly deaths there, but nobody suspects the dress to be the culprit. Then,
eventually, after many further deaths, the dress is sold to a woman who has an
online wedding planning business. The woman who buys the dress has been married
and divorced five times. Needless to say, something unfortunate happens to each
and every one of her former husbands…
Then the day finally arrives: the dress is purchased by a
young woman for her first ever wedding to a hunky young man she’s always loved.
They have their blessed nuptials, and sneak off from the revelries to their
honeymoon hotel room. But just then, as they begin smooching, there is a
rustling of a dress’s fabric in the closet, and…
Oh, but this time it’s a trap! For the police have suspected this wedding dress all along, but they were never able to catch it in the act before, so they set up a fake wedding with two undercover officers, just to catch this dress with its pants down! So they draw down on the dress and shoot it in its tracks, and it bleeds out on the hotel room floor, explaining its sorry tale of rejection, redress, revenge and retribution. And then, just when they think it’s over, the garter strikes and strangles them both: for it was the garter all along, and the dress was simply trying to save everyone but was always too late! (But the dress loved the garter, so it was always trying to cover for it, like it covers it on a bride
Oh, but this time it’s a trap! For the police have suspected this wedding dress all along, but they were never able to catch it in the act before, so they set up a fake wedding with two undercover officers, just to catch this dress with its pants down! So they draw down on the dress and shoot it in its tracks, and it bleeds out on the hotel room floor, explaining its sorry tale of rejection, redress, revenge and retribution. And then, just when they think it’s over, the garter strikes and strangles them both: for it was the garter all along, and the dress was simply trying to save everyone but was always too late! (But the dress loved the garter, so it was always trying to cover for it, like it covers it on a bride
(There always has to be some stupid twist at the end these days.)
Here’s the story, just so you won’t think I was making it up:
Here’s the story, just so you won’t think I was making it up:
