Hey, how about a Dominos ad that suggests Pizza Hut’s (and
their other major competitors’) food is unsafe to eat? Politics has attack ads,
so why not food? They could do it in style (like The Mysterious Affair at Styles) by using Poirot in one of his most
baffling cases: Poirot and the Poisoned
P’Zone! It could be about a toga party at some college, and some frat boy
gets killed with a poisoned P’Zone.* Then Poirot gets called in to investigate,
and it’s his most baffling case because Poirot has never been to a college
fraternity keg party before, and it has him all confused and out-of-sorts; but
he figures out the mystery and unmasks the culprit, as per usual! And just to
slander all of Dominos’ major rivals at once in one single ad, they could have
Poirot say Papa John did it while dressed up as a little Caesar (!), and that’s
how he blended in at the toga party! (Now that should get all those pizza
chains at each others’ throats, right?)
And then, naturally, the other pizza chains would have to
make revenge ads, where some vicious killer is dressing up as a Dominos Pizza
delivery boy, and he always leaves a bloody domino at the scene of his brutal
crime, indicating how many murders are left (!!). (Oh, and he leaves a cold
pizza too, just to remind everyone of the old ad campaign for Dominos.) And
then they could say that if you order Dominos pizza, you’ll probably be killed
by the “Pizza Perpetrator”: the “Dominos Delivery Dude of Death”. (He’s kind of
like the “Noid”, only he works for Dominos’ competitors. Oh, and he murders
people, so it’s a little bit worse than getting a cold pizza. In fact, they
could say that last time the “Noid” made your pizza cold, but this time, it’s
Dominos’ customers that will be cold!
{Horror movie music stab, please!} Or perhaps he could be called the
“Ssassinated”, because when your pizza shows up, you’ll be A-Ssassinated!
{Instead of A-Noid.}) And then they could all just bash each other
relentlessly, until they finally all snapped and started making their pizzas
with each other’s blood instead of tomato sauce (!!!). (And I don’t even want to know what the sausage will be
made of then!)
Oh, but the kicker is, this ad was not even made by Dominos
to begin with, but was secretly made by a burger joint that just started
offering delivery service, and all so that the pizza chains would all destroy
one another with vengeance so that the burger delivery service could make
inroads into this food delivery market. (Mwa ha ha!) And at the end of the
whole thing, they could have an ad where they interview Poirot, and he says
that he did the whole thing to destroy American fast food in order to get
revenge for some states in America making foie gras illegal and forcing him to
eat pizza and hamburgers instead. And it actually ends up that the burger joint
wasn’t even involved either, but that it was Poirot’s own idea to discredit the
entire American fast food industry and thereby destroy America for banning his
favorite yummy food. (Sacrebleu!)
And after this harms the domestic fast food delivery
industry, Chinese food delivery will skyrocket, so the pizza chains and burger
joints will have to make ads smearing Chinese food as a Communist conspiracy to
undermine American jobs, etc. (It’s a never-ending cycle of abusive conspiratorial
advertising! Help! Help! {But seriously, political ad creatives need work too
in between political campaigns, right? So this smeary attack ad stuff would be perfect for them, don’t you think?})
P.S. (<That stands for Pizza Service): Naturally I am only
joking here, and I do not wish to insult any of these illustrious pizza chains,
burger joints, or Chinese takeout places, all of which I like very much. (Okay,
most of which.) And of course you will not be killed by the pizza delivery guy!
(Or at least, maybe not this time…) No, the real threat is Indian food, with its
vicious, vindictive vindaloo! They’re trying to give us all heartburn! (Just
kidding!)
* BTW: Doesn’t “P’Zone” sound a lot like “poison”? Maybe we could replace the expression: “one man’s fish is another man’s poison”, with: “one man’s P’Zone is another man’s poison”. (<Maybe that could be Pizza Hut’s new P’Zone slogan! It’s catchy, right?)
* BTW: Doesn’t “P’Zone” sound a lot like “poison”? Maybe we could replace the expression: “one man’s fish is another man’s poison”, with: “one man’s P’Zone is another man’s poison”. (<Maybe that could be Pizza Hut’s new P’Zone slogan! It’s catchy, right?)
Here are some examples of the old Dominos “Noid” ads from
the 1980s (in case you missed them):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myhWLagUhEs&feature=related
And this is a P’Zone, for those of you who are not familiar with a Pizza Hut-brand calzone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNjg539Mdac
And this is a P’Zone, for those of you who are not familiar with a Pizza Hut-brand calzone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNjg539Mdac
