Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bourne Loser

There’s a new Bourne movie coming out soon (The Bourne Legacy), and that reminded me that if they ever run out of ideas for this series, but it’s just too profitable to let it die, they could use my old idea: The Bourne Loser. So here’s how this movie would play out:

The main character is one of the elite assassin trainees from Jason Bourne’s group at Treadstone, but this guy was the worst candidate in the whole group: he was incompetent, he had temper issues, he was impatient, he was overemotional, etc. So naturally, they kick him out of the program, but they wipe his memory so he can’t come after them for rejecting him. (He also has rejection issues.) Oh, but once those Bourne Identity movies start coming out, he gradually begins to remember his assassin training, that he was rejected, abused, had his memory wiped, etc., and he wants revenge.

So this guy comes after Treadstone, but because he’s overemotional, and because he’s terrible at everything, he always gets noticed early, and the cops get called on him, and he sucks at fighting, so they just beat him up and arrest him, and then he has to wait to be released so he can resume his revenge, etc. Then, he gets into all kinds of other problems trying to get revenge, because he gets into car accidents, he gets mugged, etc. And he never gets to have his revenge because he’s not good enough to get through security to get at the guys who rejected him, because they were right about him to begin with, and he sucks at everything.

So after a series of misadventures, the Treadstone people feel sorry for him, so they let him get into their operation, and then they shoot and kill him, and unceremoniously dump his body into a communal grave where they dump all the other assassins from this group they track down and kill. But he gets a posthumous commendation for conspicuous service, because rather than having to hunt him down and kill him, he came right to them to get killed, so they say his saving them the trouble of finding him was a heroic act, and his family would have gotten a medal, but they were all wiped out years before by Treadstone anyway to cover up the program. If only he was competent enough to avenge them! Oh, well. (Not everyone can be good at everything, you know.)