There’s a new Bourne movie coming out soon (The Bourne
Legacy), and that reminded me that if they
ever run out of ideas for this series, but it’s just too profitable to let it
die, they could use my old idea: The Bourne Loser. So here’s how this movie would play out:
The main character is one of the elite assassin trainees
from Jason Bourne’s group at Treadstone, but this guy was the worst candidate
in the whole group: he was incompetent, he had temper issues, he was impatient,
he was overemotional, etc. So naturally, they kick him out of the program, but
they wipe his memory so he can’t come after them for rejecting him. (He also
has rejection issues.) Oh, but once those Bourne Identity movies start coming out, he gradually begins to remember
his assassin training, that he was rejected, abused, had his memory wiped,
etc., and he wants revenge.
So this guy comes after Treadstone, but because he’s
overemotional, and because he’s terrible at everything, he always gets noticed
early, and the cops get called on him, and he sucks at fighting, so they just
beat him up and arrest him, and then he has to wait to be released so he can
resume his revenge, etc. Then, he gets into all kinds of other problems trying
to get revenge, because he gets into car accidents, he gets mugged, etc. And he
never gets to have his revenge because he’s not good enough to get through
security to get at the guys who rejected him, because they were right about him
to begin with, and he sucks at everything.
So after a series of misadventures, the Treadstone people
feel sorry for him, so they let him get into their operation, and then they
shoot and kill him, and unceremoniously dump his body into a communal grave
where they dump all the other assassins from this group they track down and
kill. But he gets a posthumous commendation for conspicuous service, because
rather than having to hunt him down and kill him, he came right to them to get
killed, so they say his saving them the trouble of finding him was a heroic
act, and his family would have gotten a medal, but they were all wiped out
years before by Treadstone anyway to cover up the program. If only he was competent enough to avenge
them! Oh, well. (Not everyone can be good at everything, you know.)
