Poirot’s “Little Grey Cells”

Whenever I used to read or watch Poirot stories, I used to hear him talk about using his “little grey cells”. (That would be gray cells in American.) I always used to assume that he was referring to his brain cells, since the brain is made up of what is somewhat unimaginatively referred to as “gray matter” (based upon its color). But what if he merely hoped we would assume as much, and he was instead endeavoring to trick us into thinking such a thing, but also using a term wherein he could easily claim he was really being honest about it all along if someone ever found out the truth? What do I mean? Well, it’s simply this:

What if Poirot’s “little grey cells” aren’t brain cells at all, but rather, portable private prison cells he uses as his own personal torture chambers, and in which he interrogates his suspects until they crack and tell him everything he wishes to know? He could easily get away with it by threatening to frame them for some other murder, or even one he commits himself later (he did, in his final novel appearance {Curtain: Poirot’s Last Case}, murder someone; so how do we know he doesn’t do it all the time and simply not tell us about it? You know it’s true! How else do you think he knows so much about murder? He must have first-hand experience! Plus, he’s certainly well-respected and trusted enough to be believed above everybody else, right? So he’ll always get away with it!), if they ever told anyone about it. And they’re his “little” gray cells because they must be extremely, unbearably, uncomfortably small in size (especially necessary since they’re portable!); and obviously he has painted these prison cells gray so that they would feel as drab and hopeless as possible for maximum despair, softening up his suspects/victims with as much psychological torture as they could bear, and all so he could get every last tidbit and any possible nugget of pertinent information available. After all, how else could he possibly figure all this stuff out otherwise? Maybe this is how his “little grey cells” always manage to give him the answer!

(We keep hearing that torture doesn’t work, but perhaps Poirot knows different! And Poirot: he is never the wrong!)

So ask yourself this, the next time some guy asks you to help him use his “little gray cells”, will you be comfortable enough to help him? (It could be one of the vicious torturer guys from the Hostel movies! Do they have one of those bloodhound tattoos?* {I heard Poirot secretly has one!} You’d better run, just to be on the safe side, that’s all I can say!)

* For those who don’t know, the bloodhound tattoo is given to each client of the torture company in the Hostel movies, as proof they were complicit in this group’s activities, just to prevent anyone from being able to inform on them later. (And as a keepsake, I guess.)