California has banned foie gras. They say it’s mean to
animals because the birds it’s made out of are force-fed until their livers become
unnaturally large. But that’s not actually true in American foie gras, so the
ban is pointless. You see, here in America, the geese and ducks overeat of
their own accord, because this is America, and everyone here overeats. Also,
when they look at all the obese people here, these birds start feeling like
they’re too skinny, and they lose self-esteem, so they stuff themselves. Plus,
in this bad economy, they’re all out of work too (and banning foie gras will
only put even more of them out of a
job!), so they drink heavily too (mostly Gray Goose vodka: I hear they get it
for free). So their livers get all engorged and distended naturally anyway, and
not eating them is simply a waste. (And we simply can’t afford to waste food in
this recession!) But I suppose all these nature-loving hippies will send all of
our geese and ducks to fat camp, and there they will be treated even worse than
they were before! (Because at least they were getting an all-you-can-eat buffet
before.) Now they’ll go hungry and get bullied for being fat! (And they’ll get
DTs, as well!) Next thing you know, they’ll be getting government-subsidized liver
transplants too! And pretty soon we’ll all have to donate our livers to them as
a settlement for past grievances, because as they always keep telling us: “what’s good for the goose is good
for the gander”!
