Stafford Signature No Iron Shirt Ad (Proposed)

A young man is taking his dress shirts out of the drier when Iron Man appears, with hot irons for hands, and he says he's here to save the day. But the young man says he doesn't need saving, because these are Stafford Signature no iron shirts from JC Penney, and they don't need to be ironed to look crisp and wrinkle-free. So Iron Man acts disappointed and flies off to help someone else; most likely someone who did not buy Stafford no iron dress shirts.

Ritalin “The Shining” Joke Ad

Danny Torrance is a troubled young boy who has precognition and speaks to an imaginary friend who shows him things that terrify him. His parents are concerned, so they take Danny to see a pediatrician who prescribes him Ritalin. And once on Ritalin, Danny is way too wired and strung out to have any more paranormal experiences. And so they all live happily ever after, or at least until Jack kills his family with an axe at the Overlook Hotel, which might not have happened if they hadn’t put Danny on Ritalin to begin with. (But don’t let that stop you from putting your kid on Ritalin! That sort of thing hardly ever happens: really, we promise!)

Me, Cookie Monster

(Based upon the movie: I, Frankenstein)

We see the Cookie Monster in a barren, future hellscape, and he relates to us what he has been through, beginning: “Me brought into world loving cookies, but obesity epidemic made mankind crazy, banning cookies. They called me a monster because me love cookies. Without cookies, mankind was doomed. But me learn how to make cookies: that how me became strong.” (Cookies for the Cookie Monster are like spinach is to Popeye.)

The Cookie Monster finds himself in a war between two opposing factions: demons who want everyone to eat devil’s food cake, and government health nuts who want everyone to eat tofu and veggies. Both sides try to win him over, but Cookie Monster wants only to eat cookies, so they seek to destroy him. But, with his stash of cookies, whenever any group tries to defeat him, Cookie Monster gets his burst of cookie energy and wipes them all out.

Then, the demons decide that if only they could get the Cookie Monster to show them how to make cookies out of devil’s food cake, perhaps they could conquer the world with their savory goodness, especially with a children’s TV show character to act as an emissary to the children, and through their nagging, lead the world into junk food addiction once again. But our heroic Cookie Monster wants none of it, wanting only his own homemade cookie recipe. And so the demons attack Cookie Monster, but with his arsenal of delicious cookies to give him energy and strength, he defeats the demons and their devil’s food agenda.

Finally, having defeated everyone, Cookie Monster muses about how the devil’s food cake wasn’t all that bad, but it would have been better as a cookie. Also, he wonders why oatmeal and raisin cookies are not acceptable to the health bullies, seeing as how they are made of healthy ingredients. But oh well, they would not be flexible enough to permit our hero to have his cookies, not even only sometimes, and so now they are destroyed by their own fascist dietary stance, and, of course, by our hero, the Cookie Monster, and his loyalty to cookies.

Early Penicillin Advertising

CBS Sunday Morning had a segment today about the discovery and development of penicillin. It worked well to treat some sexually transmitted diseases, such as gonnarrhea and syphilis, which is why early ads used the snappy headline:

“Is your penis illin’? Then take penicillin!” (<When spoken, the headline softened the ‘e’ in “penis” {to sound like “pennis”} to make it rhyme better with “penicillin”.)

Church groups objected to the use of the word “penis” however, in addition to claiming STDs are God’s will to punish naughty people, and so the ad campaign was ended early. But it stands as a testament to the power of a snappy headline that we all still remember it today.

“I, Frankenstein” Science Plot Hole

In the movie I, Frankenstein, a sect of ageless demons wants to get a hold of either Victor Frankenstein’s experiment notes or the creature, and they want to get one (or both) of them, because they want to give them to a human research doctor (a young pretty blonde woman; you know, like all research doctors: you can’t get anyone to give you grants or read your scientific papers unless you’re young & hot, and preferably female and single) so that she can figure out how to reanimate corpses so that they can: “bring back (their) fallen”. (<Oh, and that’s another plot hole: when their “fallen” die, they’re “descended”, as in their souls get sent down to hell “for all eternity”, and their bodies burn up and turn to ash; how is reanimating corpses supposed to reverse that? {One demon says there are lots of souls waiting in hell to possess human bodies, but if that really worked, why doesn’t one of them possess the Frankenstein monster?* Oh, never mind…})

So, um, how come a large group of ageless demons needs a human scientist to do their research for them? Aren’t they smarter and wiser than we are, given that they live forever and have all this free time to conduct scientific experiments? Or do they think they’re too cool for that stuff? Maybe they say: “Science? That’s for nerds! We’re demons! We steal souls, wreak havoc: we want some action, man! We’re not a bunch of wimpy eggheads sitting behind a desk in lab coats with a Bunsen burner and a bunch of flasks: we get humans to do that stuff for us!”

Is that why the demons don’t do their own research? Because it’s kind of an odd story point for them to have a human do it. The demons can be hot young women too: in fact, it would make more sense that way, because they only look young. (Most people the age of the blonde research doctor in this movie are still medical residents, and do not head cutting-edge research projects for large moneyed interests fronting for demonic hordes.) And I do not wish to belabor the issue, but a human researcher might object to their sinister purpose and try to sabotage the project, whereas a demon would never have a problem with the ultimate goal of the research.

In Underworld, the vampires did their own science; are vampires smarter than demons? (Or are demons just lazy?)

Also, in the scene where the demons reanimate their army of Frankenstein monsters, there is a gauge on each of the bodies showing the percentage of reanimation. Um, how do you quantify the percentage of reanimation? They have never done it before, so how can they even measure it? Plus, until it is 100% reanimated, isn’t it still just dead? And isn’t reanimation something that’s kind of like pregnancy in that either you are or you aren’t: you're either alive or you're dead, right? And what’s the gauge for, just in case they only want to reanimate a body 37% of the way, they’ll know where to stop? I'm sorry, but this gauge is ludicrous. I can’t even begin to suspend my disbelief with something like this. But it is good for a laugh.

(Oh, but Aaron Eckhart playing the Frankenstein monster makes perfect sense, because now I understand why he was in Thank You from Smoking: as the creature, he was treated horribly by humans, so he decided to represent the tobacco companies in the hopes that he could make lots of people die from cancer in revenge for how he was abused by mankind. It’s perfectly logical.)

You know, it’s getting to where you can’t even believe the science in horror movies anymore.

* BTW: The demons tried possessing him at the end, but apparently he had grown a soul in the last few minutes of the movie. Hee hee. (<He didn’t have a soul when Gideon tried to kill him minutes earlier, but he had one at the end. Did he use Miracle Gro on his soul to get it to grow so fast?)

Up-Skirt Photo Women’s Slacks Ad?

A court in Texas, of all places, recently decided a ban on up-skirt photography is unconstitutional, leaving every jerk and pervert free to snap pictures up girls’ and women’s skirts whenever they so choose. I think this is pretty yucky, but it might make for a good ad for women’s pants; after all, nobody can snap a picture up someone’s pants, so they’re a natural defense against such creepy behavior.

Slender Man: Punishment for Obesity?

There’s some urban legend about Slender Man, and it has apparently led kids to commit murder, arson, etc. But what’s it all about? If we’re going to have someone called “Slender Man” inspire violence and such, shouldn’t it be in an attempt to scare obese people into losing weight? Because then they’d be safe from Slender Man if they were also slender. (Or would they be suspects in Slender Man crimes? All of a sudden I’m not sure about this…)

Ginkgo Trees

I just saw a segment on CBS Sunday Morning about the memorial for disabled soldiers in Washington, D.C., and they said they had planted gingko trees there because they are survivors, and because the leaves turn the color of flame around the time of Veterans Day.

I’m sure that’s very thoughtful of the memorial planners to want the trees to look like they’re on fire on Veterans Day (Don’t you think that might not be the best design idea for solders who might have PTSD?), but maybe they should have stopped to consider what the trees smell like. Where I went to college, we had a bunch of gingko trees, and I can tell you, when their seedpods drop off, they smell like a festering, rotting garbage truck. It’s enough to make you gag. I think that smell is going to be like a slap in the face to veterans visiting the memorial, and that’s the last thing they need.

Plus, apparently some people are allergic to gingko and can get a poison ivy-like rash from touching some of what drops off the trees.

So nice choice, guys! They’re pretty, but they really stink. But I guess that makes them perfect for Washington, huh: lovely exterior, rotten inside. Oh, and like most Washington projects, they will require an awful lot of continuous and expensive maintenance, adding to our budget deficit, and taking funds away from the VA.

Couldn’t they have selected oak trees? You know, the kind you tie a yellow ribbon around? They would have been beautiful and smelled fine, plus offered shade and strength to our disabled veterans. Oh, and like I said, there’s that connection to supporting soldiers we all already know.

I’m glad they made the memorial, but I think they messed up with the trees.

Maybe they can offer free nose plugs for visitors (although I doubt even that would help with gingko trees).

Viagra Military Barracks Ad (Proposed)

A group of soldiers lounges around in their barracks; lying down, napping, reading magazines, sitting around and socializing. Then, a high-ranking officer enters the barracks, their commanding officer yells: “At-te-e-en-tion!” and the men all jump up from wherever they are, and from whatever slouching, lounging position, and they leap into place, standing up straight at attention. Then the announcer says: “This is what Viagra does for men with erectile dysfunction.” Then we see a product shot of a package of Viagra, and the announcer says: “Viagra: Stand up and be counted!” (Or: “Viagra: Get up and go!”)

Penis Enlargement The Incredible Hulk (Joke) Ad

We see Bruce Banner, and something causes him to turn into The Incredible Hulk, growing to enormous size, ripping through his clothing, amazing and terrifying people around him, etc. Then the announcer says: “This is what (product) does to your penis.” Then the picture cuts to a product shot (of whatever “male enhancement” product), and the announcer says: “(Product): Helps you achieve an incredible transformation, like gamma rays for the Hulk.”

The Flash (Upcoming TV Series)

There’s an upcoming TV series called: The Flash, starring the popular comic book character who can run fast and, um, er, uh; hm. Well, he can run fast, anyway. I thought it was going to be a movie, but it will be a whole TV series (!). What’s it going to be about? How will they fill up a whole TV series about a hero who runs fast?

Hey, I have an idea: they could have him face a villain called Molasses who slows our hero down in a variety of ways, like pouring molasses over him in one episode, or making him eat a Marathon Bar candy bar in another episode. (Marathon Bar candy bars had ads in the late 1970s where characters would claim they did everything fast, and then some jerk would challenge them to eat a Marathon Bar fast, and they couldn’t, because it’s milk chocolate covering chewy caramel. I always wondered why they never used The Flash: maybe too expensive to pay royalties for the character?)

(Surely Robot Chicken has already done a joke about The Flash in bed having premature ejaculation, and his partner saying: “Oh, so that’s why they call you ‘The Flash’.” But if not, hopefully this new TV series will broach the issue.)

I hope the show will be sponsored by Nike running shoes and Monster energy drinks.

Garnier Fructis “47 Ronin” Ad?

The recent big budget box office bomb 47 Ronin is on one of my movie channels this evening, and one of the characters is some evil witch woman whose hair moves around according to her will, acting as appendages and such. And seeing this, I thought: “Hey, how about a shampoo tie-in ad for 47 Ronin using this character?”

So in this 47 Ronin shampoo ad, for Garnier Fructis (because they’re all about strong hair and such in their ads), this woman would be poor and miserable because her hair is limp and unmanageable. But then she uses Garnier Fructis shampoo, and her hair begins to move around, and she finds she can use it as a weapon, or do anything with it she chooses. And so she becomes rich and powerful, and all due to her powerful new hair, thanks to Garnier Fructis. Then the slogan says: “Garnier Fructis: Bring your hair to life!”

Here’s a picture of the character from 47 Ronin and her autonomous hair:

http://thedarkglobe.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/8b6aa-47-ronin-the-witch.jpg

Salem Cigarettes “Salem’s Lot” Joke Ad

In this joke ad for Salem cigarettes, we’re inside the vampire’s house from Salem’s Lot, and as the teenage victims get stuck in the cellar, the vampire’s coffin bursts open, and the vampire rises up from the grave (he’s green instead of blue this time, because of the menthol), smoking a Salem cigarette, and he says: “Salem’s got a Lot of flavor!” The vampire steps out of his coffin and opens another coffin, and it’s filled with cartons of Salem cigarettes. And then we cut to the next scene, and the vampire and the teenagers are all smoking Salem cigarettes together, and the vampire smiles his toothy grin and says: “Now, are you ready to try drinking?” (Or, alternately, for an anti-smoking twist, the vampire could say: “Smoke enough of these and you can sleep in a coffin too, just like I do!”)

This is the vampire from Salem’s Lot:

http://www.horrornewsnetwork.net/images/barlow.jpg

http://www.vampbags.com/uploads/2/3/2/6/23262176/1585166_orig.jpg

Take The Saltine Challenge (Joke Ad for Premium Saltine Crackers)

I know this is a bit, um, arcane, for most, but there was a great punk rock band called The Plasmatics, and they used to introduce their songs using the Japanese version of 1, 2, 3, 4 (like the Ramones sometimes counted off songs using the German of 1, 2, 3, 4). Anyway, the way the guy yelled it, it used to sound to us like: “I eat saltines!” when we were in middle school. And when I heard it again, their song: “Want You Baby” made me think of someone woofing down saltine crackers, and then I thought of all the internet challenges, like the cinnamon challenge, and that reminded me of the old thing from the kids’ TV show Zoom, where they’d eat saltines and see who could whistle first. (Zoom used to be a childrens’ TV show back when the world was young, and dinosaurs roamed the Earth.)

So anyway, the Plasmatics song: “Want You Baby”, beginning with the “I eat saltines!” intro made me think of someone wanting saltines so badly, they’d just tear open a sleeve and start woofing them down endlessly, which could become “The Saltine Challenge”.

This is the song I’m referring to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nadHPCCvO6I

But the version I’m really writing about is on this album, at 17:43:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTDcmWSvezU

(I don’t know, but nowadays I feel like music has no time period that matters anymore: if it’s good, it’s never out of style, and young people see it that way, from what it seems. And so this might really work: who knows? {So long as nobody chokes to death on the crackers!})

Bodily Fluids: The New Brand of Sports Drinks!

It’s Bodily Fluids, the new sports drinks made of nutritious fluids that care for you bodily! In an assortment of different flavors, Bodily Fluids are just what your body needs to ingest right before or after, or even during, a hard, sweaty workout!

Remember, ask for them by name: “I’m thirsty for Bodily Fluids!”

Once you taste it, you too will shout: “I want to drink some Bodily Fluids!”

Hydrate and feed your body with the fluids it needs with Bodily Fluids brand sports drinks! Sold wherever quality exercise nutrition products are sold.

NYC Groundhog Day (The Horror/Terrorism Movie)

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is speaking today about an alleged NYC subway terrorist plot referred to be the new Iraqi prime minister. But there was a news story today claiming Mayor de Blasio killed a groundhog when he dropped it earlier this year, and that there was allegedly a cover-up at the zoo, and I was wondering if he was going to apologize for that wanton act of groundhog murder.

And that’s when it hit me: the groundhog murder and the NYC subway plot: they’re connected! Yes, you see, groundhogs know that Mayor Bill de Blasio has gotten away with groundhog murder, and they want revenge! And what kind of plot could groundhogs carry out? Why, an underground one, that’s what! And where’s the subway? It’s underground, isn’t it? And so it’s clear that this threatened subway plot is going to be carried out by groundhogs to get revenge for their fallen, murdered comrade Hizzonah got away with killing by covering it up. And then I thought this would make for an exciting horror/action/revenge/terrorism/nature-strikes-back movie, taking place in New York City, and showing the horrific revenge of angry groundhogs on the city’s subways.

Just imagine it: rabid, monstrous groundhogs attack the city’s subway system, and they won’t leave until they’re chewed us all to bits! There’s only one thing we can do: deliver the mayor to them on a silver platter, but the riot police, using police state tactics, won’t let the citizens get justice for the groundhogs!

It’s all the man-eating groundhog terrorist action you can handle, it’s: NYC Groundhog Day, coming soon to a theater near you!

(This is all just a joke, I hope you understand.)

Here’s the story about the grisly groundhog murder and cover-up:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2014/09/25/report-staten-islands-famous-groundhog-died-after-bill-de-blasio-dropped-it/

2002: Revenge of the Super-Intelligent Space Shapes

After the events of 2001: A Space Odyssey, different super-intelligent geometric shapes arrive to fight the rectangle monoliths: ellipses and triangles. And so it’s ellipses and triangles vs. rectangles in a battle for geometric supremacy in our galaxy!

It all starts because the ellipses and triangles are mad, after seeing in 2001: A Space Odyssey, that the rectangles are getting all the credit for being higher forms of super-intelligent life, and they want revenge, and credit for their own geometric from of super-intelligent brilliance and sophistication. And once the rumble begins, all the other polygons join in the fight in a free-for-all of rhomboid shapes, circular shapes, stars and irregular shapes: the sky’s the limit!

Well, it’s a brutal battle between the shapes, destroying not only the universe, but also all polygons. Once it’s over, nothing remains but points and lines, and the universe has to evolve again from square one: a new Big Bang.

It’s all the pissed-off persistent polygon pummeling you can handle; it’s: 2002: Revenge of the Super-Intelligent Space Shapes, coming soon to a theater near you!

(Maybe the plot to the upcoming movie of the 1980s video game Tetris will be like this.)

The Phantom of the Oprah

Apparently Oprah’s OWN network hasn’t been meeting ratings expectations, but I believe I have an idea to increase interest and spike viewership: create a “Phantom of the Oprah”, where her network is haunted by a terrifying spectral phantom! You never know when he’ll strike or who he’ll target next! Then everyone will tune in to see what the Phantom will do.

Be Fruitful: The Christian Breakfast Cereal

A joke ad I wrote for Froot Loops called: “Forbidden Froot” made me think of this silly idea for a Christian fruit-flavored breakfast cereal called: “Be Fruitful”. It would be all natural flavors, because surely science cannot better the natural flavors created by God, and as a result the cereal would be very healthy and nutritious.

And so the ad would show Adam and Eve eating Be Fruitful cereal in the Garden of Eden, and the slogan would be: “Eat Be Fruitful and multiply your nutrition!”

Forbidden Froot (A Joke Ad for Froot Loops)

A Michelle Obama speech about childhood obesity causes the parents of two little kids to hide the Froot Loops and tell their children they may not have Froot Loops anymore due to the threat of childhood obesity. (They hide the Froot Loops in the back of some very high cupboard in the kitchen.) Oh, but we all know about Forbidden Froot: we only want it that much more because of the allure of the forbidden. And so the children go to extreme lengths to get the Froot Loops, building a rickety tower of chairs and end tables to climb up to the high cabinet, almost falling and killing themselves, which shows their parents that it’s more dangerous to try to put a prohibition on Froot Loops than it is just to let their kids have them. And so the kids live happily ever after, eating the previously Forbidden Froot of Froot Loops.

Jockey Buzz Aldrin Conspiracy Punch Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Jockey already has a fun ad referencing Buzz Aldrin, which made me think of this joke/proposed Jockey ad featuring Buzz Aldrin:

We see footage of Buzz Aldrin in astronaut training, on the moon in his space suit, and then in heroic news photos and film. Then we see conspiracy theorists claim the moon landing was a hoax, and that the government should admit it, etc. Then we see a some jerk call Buzz Aldrin a “liar” and a “coward” for his part in the alleged moon landing hoax, and then Buzz Aldrin punches the guy in the face. Then the announcer says: “Jockey supports Buzz Aldrin even when others don’t.”