Heidi Klum holds up some metal-spiked shoe that looks like
something Paul Stanley would give his daughter to wear to a punk rock concert,
and she says: “Shoes should feel nice, so why do they often act so naughty?”
And as she says this, the toe of the shoe turns into a snarling red dragon. (Then
Gene Simmons wants it for his daughter.)
Well, I know she means it as a hypothetical question, but I
can actually answer it: If she means those horrendous spike heeled shoes that
are all the rage with women in the city these days, they act so naughty because
a shoe like that is basically a torture device. No, really: it uses the force
of gravity to force a part of your body into a small space where it then
crushes your toes. This is a shoe version of a number of classic medieval
torture devices that used the weight of the human body against itself, causing
pain in another, lower part of the body. (You think I’m kidding, but I’m not:
this is a classic torture device design.)
I guess Dr. Scholl’s will help some, but if you want
comfortable shoes, then buy comfortable shoes: you’ll know them when you see
them because they won’t have a 6-inch heel and a pointy open toe. But when
people say that you must suffer for your fashion, when it comes to the shoes
women wear these days, they ain’t kidding! (Ouch!)
Here’s the monster shoe ad (although I think the teeth
should be on the inside):
(BTW: I think the real war on women in America is these high-heeled
shoes! They’ve even brainwashed women into not only wanting to torture
themselves with them, but to pay obscene prices for the privilege of mangling
their own feet.)
Also: I’m sure these inserts help some, as I used Dr. Scholl’s
inserts when I used to wear Beatle boots, motorcycle boots, etc., but with
these high-heeled shoes, the painful part is not the soles: it’s the upper toe
that causes the most pain, which is why I constantly see women sticking folded
up napkins into them.
