I just read that CHiPs is being remade as a movie (Wow, so
many remakes and sequels and so few new ideas.), and that reminded me of this
silly joke hybrid show I came up with a few years ago (2008): CHiPs Ahoy, combining CHiPs and The Love Boat.
Murders are occurring on the Love Boat, and there’s only one
way to catch the killer: Ponch & Jon must go undercover as vacationers
going for a cruise on the Love Boat, in this new spinoff: CHiPs Ahoy!
After a long day of catering to has-been actors, the cruise
director and the doctor are tired and fed-up, so they head to the bar for a
drink. But there they find (Gasp!) Isaac the bartender dead: drowned and
floating in a giant bottle of liquor (!), one with a cap that’s too small for
him to fit through, like a ship in a bottle. Our horrified characters call the
police.
The police captain calls Ponch and Jon into his office, and
he assigns them to the Love Boat as undercover investigators to see if they can
catch the killer. At first they laugh at the assignment, but then they realize
that if the murders continue, the Love Boat will go out of business, and then
the city will be up to their eyeballs in has-been actors. Realizing the
seriousness of the situation, they get to work impersonating stewards.
So our CHiPs heroes are on the trail of a killer on the high
seas! But, because they don’t know what stewards do, and they’re used to being
on motorcycles on land instead of the ocean, much hilarity ensues.
Here’s the script for a short sketch comedy piece for a show
like Robot Chicken:
INT. SHIP CORRIDOR (ON THE LOVE BOAT) / NIGHT:
(OPEN WITH THE DOCTOR AND THE CRUISE DIRECTOR TALKING
TOGETHER IN THE CORRIDOR OF THE LOVE BOAT.)
DOCTOR: Boy, what a day! Some of these characters are making
me sick!
CRUISE DIRECTOR: Tell me about it! All these pampered lame
actors; I’m exhausted! After this crazy day, I need a drink!
DOCTOR: Say, that sounds like a good idea! Let’s go see what
Isaac can whip up for us.
(THE TWO OF THEM WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND AROUND THE
CORNER, INTO THE BAR. THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM.)
INT. BAR (ON THE LOVE BOAT) / NIGHT:
(THE TWO WALK INTO THE BAR, AND AS A HORROR MUSIC STAB
PLAYS, THEY SEE ISAAC DEAD: HE HAS BEEN DROWNED AND IS FLOATING IN A GIANT
SEALED LIQUOR BOTTLE. THE TOP OF THE BOTTLE IS TOO SMALL TO FIT HIM THROUGH, SO
IT LOOKS RATHER LIKE A SHIP IN A BOTTLE, BUT IT’S A DEAD MAN IN A BOTTLE.)
CRUISE DIRECTOR: Oh my God!
DOCTOR: Who could have done such a thing?
CRUISE DIRECTOR: We’d better call the police!
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE / DAY:
(PONCH AND JON FROM THE TELEVISION SERIES CHiPs ARE STANDING IN THE OFFICE GETTING
THEIR NEXT ASSIGNMENT FROM THE CAPTAIN.)
POLICE CAPTAIN: OK boys, I’ve got a new assignment for you.
Did you hear about the murder aboard the Love Boat last night?
JON: Yeah, somebody offed the bartender, right?
PONCH: Yeah, maybe he served up just one too many lame joke!
POLICE CAPTAIN: Laugh it up, smart guy! That was the third
murder on the Love Boat this month! If we don’t get this thing solved quick,
it’ll scare away all the Love Boat’s business, and we’ll all be up to our ears
in has-been actors!
JON: Oh my God!
PONCH: Sorry, sir.
POLICE CAPTAIN: Now you see how serious this is!
JON: How can we help?
POLICE CAPTAIN: You two are going under cover! You’re going
to be posing as stewards on the Love Boat and there you can conduct a secret
investigation into the murders. With any luck, you’ll crack the case.
PONCH & JON: Yes, sir!
CUT TO:
CREDIT SEQUENCE:
(A TITLE CARD THAT SAYS “CHiPs AHOY” IS SHOWN AS MUSIC
SIMILAR TO THE THEME FROM CHiPs PLAYS,
AND VIDEO OF PONCH AND JON IN STEWARD UNIFORMS DOING STUPID THINGS IS SHOWN
CREDITING THE ACTORS, ETC.)
CUT TO:
INT. CRUISE DIRECTOR’S OFFICE (ON THE LOVE BOAT) / DAY:
(PONCH AND JON ENTER THE ROOM DRESSED IN THEIR STEWARD
UNIFORMS. THE CRUISE DIRECTOR IS SITTING AT HER DESK.)
CRUISE DIRECTOR: So, you’re the new guys, huh? I’m Julie.
It’s nice to meet you guys. I guess I’d better introduce you to the captain.
(SHE GETS UP AND LEADS PONCH AND JON OUT OF THE OFFICE, DOWN
THE HALL, AND INTO THE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE. THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM AS THEY GO.)
INT. CAPTAIN’S OFFICE (ON THE LOVE BOAT) / DAY:
(THE CRUISE DIRECTOR WALKS INTO THE CAPTAIN’S OFFICE WITH
PONCH AND JON IN TOW.)
CRUISE DIRECTOR: Captain Stubing, here are the new stew…
Aaaaa!
PONCH: Oh my God!
JON: He’s dead!
(A HORROR MUSIC STAB PLAYS AS THE CAMERA CUTS TO SHOW
CAPTAIN STUBING LYING FACE UP ON HIS DESK, DEAD, WITH A FUNNEL STICKING OUT OF
HIS MOUTH AND A BUNCH OF EMPTY BOTTLES OF ROGAINE ON THE DESK BESIDE HIM.
THE CAMERA CUTS BACK TO THE CRUISE DIRECTOR, PONCH AND JON:
FREEZE FRAME ON THEIR SHOCKED EXPRESSION.)
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week for another thrilling episode
of… CHiPs AHOY!
THE END.
