Sunday, July 24, 2016

Peanuts All Grown Up

It’s the new TV special showing kids how the Peanuts gang turned out as adults.

Charlie Brown is a gambling addict with massive debt (because he always loses at everything but keeps on trying anyway and never gives up).

Lucy is a Real Housewife (from Real Housewives, Cartoon Edition) and a secret dominatrix.

Linus advertises hair restoring products for Hair Club for Men.

Schroeder plays piano at an airport lounge where he now displays a bust of Chick Corea on his piano.

The Girl with “Naturally Curly Hair” now runs a hair-straitening salon called: “Straighten Up!”

Pigpen now runs a business making movie actors look dirty for gritty roles, and sidelines as an advertising pitchman for OxyClean.

Violet has become a performance artist known as: “Ultra-Violet”.

Snoopy has been dead for many years now, but new dogs keep Being rehired, leading the Red Baron, who now only wants to put frozen pizzas into people (rather than lead bullets shot from his Fokker Dr.1 Triplane), to say: “Please! Enough is enough! I don’t want to dogfight with any more dogs! I love animals! That’s why I slaughter them and put their dead, murdered flesh on frozen pizzas.” And now there’s even talk of cloning the original Snoopy, who was cryogenically frozen like Walt Disney, so he can make more TV specials, like: Snoopy Come Home from the Dead, and: Snoopy’s Pet Sematary.

And now that they’re all grown up, whenever they talk, their voices sound like: “Wah whaaah wah wah whaaah.”