Saturday, July 23, 2016

Dirty Harry Remake

In this updated reimagining of Dirty Harry, cable news has demonized the police so much that everyone has been brainwashed into thinking the police hunt people for sport. And in this environment of distrust towards the police, the city of San Francisco mandates that all police officers wear body cameras that are kept on at all times and stream directly onto the internet. Even so, every time the police have to tackle or shoot a suspect, even in valid cases of self-defense, the police-hating propagandist news people always report that the police assaulted and murdered the suspects. And so the police become afraid to do their jobs due to all the misrepresentation on the news, violent crime spirals out of control, and so Dirty Harry is called in to take care of the most dangerous cases.

But Dirty Harry has to wear a body camera too, and everything he does gets edited, taken out of context, and misrepresented in an inflammatory agenda-pushing fashion by cable news, so he can’t use his signature style of tough policing. So when he encounters a dangerous, homicidal suspect, he says: “I was going to say that since I am carrying a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it would blow your head clean off, you have to ask yourself one question: do I feel lucky? And then I was going to say: ‘Well, do ya’, punk?’ But since I’m wearing this body camera, I can’t do that anymore, and I’m not allowed to shoot at you either, and no matter what I do, CNN is going to twist the facts to make it look like I’m a murderer, even in the case of legitimate self-defense, so I hope you’re willing to come quietly, because if you’re not, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Then the perp shoots and kills him, and CNN says it’s a good thing we’ve gotten another dangerous policeman off the street.

Oh, but too bad for CNN, because the perp then burns down CNN’s headquarters and shoots them all as they try to escape the flames because he just enjoys killing, and he wants to be glorified on TV like cable news always does in their coverage of spree-shooters. And when they call 9-1-1, the operator says she hopes they enjoy being killed, because the police aren’t willing to take risks in dangerous situations anymore because no matter what they do they get smeared as murderers by cable news, so it makes more sense now for the police just to let violent crimes happen and write up a report about it later. The End.