Some news story I saw this week said 25% of people that are the correct age for military service are too overweight to serve. Now I think I understand the "obesity epidemic"!
Back when I was born, people were burning their draft cards, running away to Canada, etc., all to get out of having to go fight in the Vietnam War. But kids these days are smarter than that! All they have to do now is eat their way into 4-F status! It couldn't be any easier, either.
Except that now Michelle Obama is trying to make kids eat healthy at school. The Daily Show did a story on this last night. But they forgot to mention that the government only wants to make kids lose weight so they can be cannon fodder in future wars! (A-ha!)
So kids: Beware of wolves in tofurkey's clothing! Save yourselves! It's healthier to be unhealthy! Bring secret stashes of saturated fats with you everywhere you go! And when people ask you why you're so fat, tell them it's to end all wars. Then it can become a movement, with "eat ins", etc. Plus, with all the hippies glomming onto the peace movement, all their pot smoke will just make you want to eat even more!
It's a can't miss strategy for avoiding military service! If only the 60s hippies had thought of it sooner. (But they're too hopped up on being sanctimonious about health food to realize the truth: Only through overeating greasy carnivorous diets can we achieve world peace through obesity and sloth! {And by then, we'll all become too fat to catch the animals anymore, so we'll all become vegans eventually anyway [or else cannibals]!})
