There sure is a new exorcismania gripping the horror movie world, so I thought it was time for a new chapter to The Exorcist, just to show these young people how it’s done. Sure, they’ve got lots of blood and sacrilege and Satanism and stuff, but what they’re lacking is the vile potty mouth language that was church approved for the first Exorcist movie. (Yes, it’s true: apparently there was a Catholic Church exorcism expert advising the original movie in the 1970s, and he said they had to make the potty mouth language way more explicit and sexual, you know, just to be accurate and everything.) And that’s where I think the original franchise can find its new angle, in Exorcist 4: The Unspeakable.
So here’s how this movie would play out: A teenage girl gets possessed by some demon, and a young exorcist is called out to help. He’s someone who idolizes the old Father Merrin, but studied under someone less good at exorcisms, like maybe Richard Burton (from Exorcist II: The Heretic). So this exorcist can’t exorcise the demon, who spews forth the most vile and sexually perverted language from its host’s dainty lips, so he decides to do something else instead. Yes, since he can’t get rid of the demon, he decides to make use of its abilities and set up an extra dirty telephone sex line for extreme sacrilegious perverts who love blasphemy with their naughty talk, and then use the profits to feed the poor. That way, the possessed girl gets to be useful to society, she has a well-paying job, and she gets to be appreciated for what she does, rather than driving her parents crazy.
But the demon is not so easily deceived! For once she begins her job, and the calls start pouring in looking for extra salty talk, the demon subverts the expectations of the callers, and tells them to go repent and seek guidance to heal their deviant sexuality, etc. Oh, but this is just what the priest was hoping the demon would do: make sinners repent! And realizing it has been defeated so easily by a mere mortal, the demon leaves the girl’s body, and she is free! But, having heard all the filthy talk, and realizing there is a market for such skills, she sets up her own telephone sex line, becomes fabulously wealthy, and lives happily ever after doing naughty things: for the demon has won after all, and this was always its plan! (Mwa ha ha!) The End.
(Sorry, I saw that Exorcist II: The Heretic was on TV tonight, and it made me think of this silly idea.)
