Hey, we all know there are lots and lots of boutique hot
sauces out there, with names that sound scary and stuff, like “Ass Reaper”,
etc., right? Well, I was reminded recently of Anthrax’s first album, called Fistful
of Metal, and the album cover is a painting
of someone ripping someone’s mouth open with a spike- and chain-covered fist.
Well, they’ve already got that picture, so why not use it for the label of some
mouth-assaulting hot sauce? All they’d have to do is make it really hot, and
then record an album daring everyone to try it, or else they’re “pussies”. Then
all the metalheads would buy it to try to not seem wimpy, and they could all
eat it while listening to the most brutal thrash metal. And Anthrax could call
it “Mouth Assault Hot Sauce”, or maybe even “Fistful of Metal Hot Sauce”, and
have it be like Goldschläger, with little flecks of metal in it. I’ll bet it
would sell pretty well, if perhaps only as a novelty gift.
Oh, but once the other titans of metal found out about it,
they’d have to get onto the brutal hot sauce bandwagon or else be thought of as
less hardcore. So then we’d get Metallica’s “Burning Metal Up Your Ass Hot
Sauce”, or Slayer’s “Hell Awaits You Hot Sauce”, or Megadeth’s “Nuclear Tongue
Annihilation Hot Sauce”. And then they could do the four band tour, and
challenge the audience to guzzle it and decide which is the most extreme, hell
hath no fury like hot sauce! (Actually, maybe a band of angry women, like L-7
or Lunachicks, could make the “Hell Hath No Fury Like… Hot Sauce”.)
Oh, and naturally Pantera, being from Texas, would have to
release their hot sauce, called “Vulgar Display of Power Hot Sauce”, because
they also have an album where someone gets punched in the mouth. (But it
wouldn’t look as brutal as Anthrax’s label.)
Here’s that Anthrax album cover (Wouldn’t this make the best
renegade hot sauce label?):
Here’s Metallica’s old “Metal Up Your Ass” T-shirt design
(They could just make the knife blade look red hot.):
And here’s the cover of Pantera’s Vulgar Display of Power:
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