Moving right along on my day of creating silly, lame sequels
for great classic movies, we now come to a movie that deserves not only a
sequel, but a trilogy: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. That way, they could be called: The Good,
the Bad, and the Ugly 2: The Better, the Worse, and the Uglier; and, naturally: The Good, The Bad, and
the Ugly 3: The Best, the Worst, and the Ugliest. (Or if there’s only one sequel, then how about just calling it: The
Good, the Bad, and the Ugly 2: Better, Badder, and Uglier?)
So, how would the story go for the sequel? Well, I think it might
go something like this:
After riding off with the sacks of gold, Blondie (Clint
Eastwood’s character) gets waylaid by Confederate troops while he’s sleeping,
and they steal the gold to fund extra weapons and stuff to aid in the fight
against the Union, and then they beat him up and leave him bruised and bloodied
in the desert to die. Oh, but as we know from the first movie, he’s not so easy
to kill by stranding out in the desert! So then Tuco catches up with him, and
instead of killing him like he intended, he simply laughs at the fact that
someone else has beaten him to the gold and the getting revenge, so after
laughing at Blondie for a while, he decides to help save him, and the two throw
in together to chase after the gold and kill these Rebs who stole it from them.
Oh, and someone stole the gold from Tuco too while his hands were tied behind
his back from the mock hanging at the end of the first film, so they have to
try to find that gold too (although Tuco doesn’t know who stole it).
So it turns out that unbeknownst to Tuco or Blondie, Angel
Eyes has only faked being shot, and he merely pretended to be dead, and waited
for Blondie to tie up Tuco, and so after Blondie rode out of sight and Tuco was
yelling insults after him, Angel Eyes crept up behind Tuco and brained him with
a shovel and stole Tuco’s share of the gold and made his escape. Well, as it
happens, Angel Eyes runs into the Confederate soldiers who stole Blondie’s
gold, and after making quick work of them, he has all of the gold. So he makes
off for the Union states, while Blondie and Tuco go off searching on a wild
goose chase for the gold in and around the Civil War battlefields, looking for
the now dead Confederate soldiers. And after a while, they find out from a
group of retreating Confederate soldiers that the guys they’re looking for
never showed up where they were supposed to, and that they must be dead. So now
it’s a matter of trying to find out what happened to the gold…
So they go back to where they had the shootout from the end
of the first movie, and seeing that Angel Eyes’s body is missing, they decide
he must be alive and go after him, leaving the rest of the story for the third
exciting film in our trilogy, where they ultimately find Angel Eyes, but he
kills them both and lives happily ever after as a filthy rich miser and vicious
killer, becoming a ruthless railroad baron by using the gold he stole from them
to buy his way into power, politics, and to crush anyone who gets in his way.
(And maybe it could even turn out that he gets polio and later becomes that
railroad baron guy in the train car from another Sergio Leone classic Western: Once
Upon a Time in the West.) The End.
