Frankenberry Ad for Adults

Frankenberry cereal always had these super-tame commercials for kids. But the idea of using Frankenstein as a model for cereal seems to suggest so many gory ideas, it hardly seems suitable for children. That’s why I think they ought to make an adult-themed Frankenberry commercial for all the gorehounds out there!

Here’s how it would play out: Dr. Frankenstein would be working in his laboratory with corpses and body parts and organs and gore strewn about everywhere. He would finish a suture on his monster (that looks like a very gory real-life version of the Frankenberry monster), sigh heavily, and say it’s time for breakfast. (He’s been working all night, you see.) So he would take a skull saw to a cadaver’s skull and cut off the top part of the skull to use as a bowl. He would take it, still dripping with blood, over to a gurney where he has a box of Frankenberry cereal and a carton of milk. (The milk carton has a picture on it of a missing person who looks like the Frankenberry monster.) Then he would pour the cereal into the skull bowl, and pour milk into it. (The blood would make the milk turn pink). Then he would start to eat it. At this point, the announcer would say that it’s part of a compete breakfast, and show a bowl of Frankenberry cereal in milk on a gurney with a plate with a brain on it, a plate with a heart on it, and an Erlenmeyer flask full of smoking green liquid.

See? Wouldn’t that be more accurate? Just like a Hammer Frankenstein movie!

Herman Cain & Sexual Harassment

Politico has suggested that Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment in the past, and that two women were awarded settlements as a result. Now it’s all over the news. I don’t know if he did it or not (he says he didn’t), and there aren’t any specific details. But I can’t help but wonder, what might it have been like had he done it?

When he worked for Burger King, could he have gotten in trouble for saying his pants were the “home of the whopper”? When he ran Godfather’s Pizza, could he have made someone uncomfortable by saying he had some “extra sausage” for them? While working for Pillsbury, might he have caused offense by asking someone to poke him and make him giggle like the dough boy?

Since there are no details available, all I can do is wonder. But somehow, I think making us use our imaginations might end up being worse in the long run than if we knew everything right now. Because then at least we wouldn’t be leaping into speculative flights of fancy, like the above “wild” guesses. Because after all, it’s a lot more fun imagining what might have happened, if anything, than it is imagining nothing happened.

It’s odd that this whole thing came out on Halloween, because it’s both a trick and a treat: a trick for the Cain campaign, and a treat for the news. And it’s like free candy for the millions of American scandal fans! Oh, and it also probably feels like a horror movie for Herman Cain.

Count Chocula Ad for Adults

Anyone who loves classic horror movies probably knows about Salvation Films, a company that releases a lot of groovy European horror movies from the 1960s and 70s. They’ve released a lot of DVDs under the Redemption banner, and included in their movies is generally a video introduction of topless lesbian vampires writing around and biting each other on the neck, and bleeding from their throats all over their boobs, etc. It’s all quite ridiculous, really. But from the very first time I saw one of these intros (on the DVD of The Reincarnation of Isabelle, an extremely silly Italian horror movie), it made me think of how great this kind of thing would make as a kinky adult-oriented commercial for Count Chocula breakfast cereal.

Here’s how it would play out: A sculpted man (or a hot woman) without a shirt on would be seduced by a sexy vampire who would bite their neck with her sharp fangs. Then, as the victim started bleeding, the vampire would grab a bowl full of Count Chocula cereal and put it under the throat wounds, letting the blood spurt into the bowl. Then the vampire would kill the victim and sit down on the bed to enjoy a nice bowl of Count Chocula in blood. Then the announcer would say how Count Chocula stays crispy even in blood, and that the cereal makes the blood chocolaty.

If they played this ad on the adult channels, Count Chocula could probably cultivate a whole new market for their cereal: adult Goths and the bondage crowd. Maybe they could give away a free pair of those plastic glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth in every box, and while the kids would have fun playing with them, their deviant parents could enjoy the private joke over the heads of the oblivious children.

Here’s the website for Salvation Films:

http://salvation-films.com//

Chu’s Chewy Green Energy Bar

Hey health nuts: want a chewy snack that’s good for you and good for the environment too? Then try Steven Chu’s Chewy Green Energy Bar! (Oh, did I say “try”? Sorry, I meant to say that you have no choice but to eat them, as they are now a government-mandated snack, just like the other great government-mandated green energy programs such as compact fluorescent light bulbs, etc.) That’s right, the government’s green energy program has now expanded to include energy snack bars! And just like with the other government programs, you’ll do it and like it, because you have no choice!

That’s Chu’s Chewy Green Energy Bars! Easy to find at your local grocer’s, as all other energy bars have now been banned by the government! Naturally flavored with the bad taste of government bureaucracy and incompetence, as well as the bitterness of government oppression: You will eat it and like it or else! But hey, you will like the fact that since it’s the law that you must eat them, as all the other snack bars are now illegal, at least this program won’t go bankrupt like other expensive, money-wasting green energy companies have (like Solyndra, et. al.)!

Yes, this time Steven Chu is putting our tax money where his mouth is: into Chu’s Chewy Green Energy Snack Bars: The snack bars that are great for the environment because they’re 100% compostable! Plus, they’ll help solve the obesity epidemic because they taste so bad, you’ll want to eat less of them! It’s a can’t-miss plan that gets a green light from the government! Now chew on that, taxpayers!

Halloween

There are many stories about the history of Halloween, but these are all invented to divert suspicion from the true origin of Halloween! That’s right: there is a nefarious secret agenda to the holiday of Halloween, and it stems from the government’s response to the obesity epidemic. (For the obesity epidemic is older than you think!) Most of us probably think of Halloween as a boom market time for the candy industry, and it is, but the intent was very different here, originally. For you see, Halloween was originally designed by the government’s Health and Human Services Dept. as a way to try to scare children away from candy!

I know what you’re thinking: another crackpot theory about secret government mind control experiments, but this is true! All you have to do is think about it logically. So this holiday has children dressing up as scary monsters and ghosts and stuff, and homeowners dressing up as scary stuff too, right? And then there is candy in the houses for the kids to come and get, right? But answer me this: if this holiday is designed to give kids free candy, then how come everyone is dressed up as scary monsters? The scary costumes are designed to scare kids away from the candy, and to scare the homeowners away from opening their doors to give out the candy, and it’s all mandated by the government!

Look, we all know this is yet another failed government program to try to scare children away from yummy candy, right? They tried everything, but nevertheless, children still insist upon seeking out delicious food to eat. What brats! So then the government came upon a brilliant idea: why not offer candy, but then scare the kids away from it by dressing up in scary costumes? Then the kids would be terrified of candy for life, because they’ll come to associate it with frightening creatures and ghosts and witches and stuff, and they’d surely come to think candy is haunted, right? But just like every other government program designed to change people’s behavior, it failed, simply making kids obsessed with horror and science fiction and monsters and stuff.

So yet another government behavior modification program backfired, making gorehounds and candy addicts of all our children! Oh, the shame of it! So to cover it up, the government destroyed all the secret files, and invented some spurious stories about ancient traditions, yadda, yadda. Then they infiltrated TV channels where they played government-made documentaries where they spin this fairy tale about the origin of Halloween, perpetrating another hoax upon the country, just like with the thing about aliens not secretly conquering the Earth, or man landing on the moon. Yeah right: we landed on the moon: like our Martian overlords who have their secret base on the moon would permit us to invade their moon! That’s about as likely as Halloween not being a failed government program to scare kids away from candy!

Dial L for Lawyer

They just showed Dial M for Murder on Turner Classic Movies, and while watching it again, it occurred to me how these movies where they catch the murderer always end with the malefactor being arrested, but we rarely get to find out if they’re convicted. We always assume so, I guess (unless we’re a defense attorney: they must have a field day annoying their friends yammering on about how they’d get the guy exonerated in court!), but we don’t really know for sure, do we?

That’s why I think someone ought to make the sequel to Dial M for Murder: it would be called Dial L for Lawyer, and it would show Ray Milland getting a lawyer, going to trial, and getting off scot free due to some legal technicality after tons of sensational news coverage. Then they could make another sequel called Dial D for Divorce, and that could show Ray Milland using a high-powered divorce lawyer to sue Grace Kelly for divorce on the grounds of her affair with Robert Cummings, and ending with Milland getting half her money. Then, after that, they could make Dial M for Murder 2: Payback’s a Bitch, where Grace Kelly and Robert Cummings plot to terrorize and murder Ray Milland to get revenge, and Grace Kelly gets to show her mean streak. They could advertise it with the tagline: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" Maybe it could even be a “torture porn” movie.

Or else the sequel to Dial M for Murder could be Dial M for Manslaughter, where Ray Milland goes to trial but is only found guilty of manslaughter, since he never intended for Anthony Dawson to be killed, and it only happened by accident when Grace Kelly killed him in self-defense. And that’s only after Milland is found not guilty in the murder plot against his wife due to the fact that the all-male 1950s jury decided she was asking for it since she had been cheating on him with the suggestively named Robert Cummings.

(Actually, come to think of it, Dial L for Lawyer could make a great Yellow Pages ad for a criminal defense attorney's law firm. They could have it say: “Did You Dial M for Murder? Now Dial L for Lawyer!”)

Paranormal Activia

As you all know, Activia is the kind of yogurt that helps with regularity. That’s fine for some people, but others want a more exciting and irregular regularity experience. That’s why this Halloween, the makers of the Paranormal Activity movies and Activia yogurt are joining forces to bring you a truly gripping way to release your bowels with Paranormal Activia: the haunted yogurt that literally scares the crap out of you! Simply eat it, and within the day, a paranormal entity will haunt and harass you until you lose all bowel control from sheer terror! Each packet of 8 containers comes with a complimentary adult diaper that looks like a ghost or a jackal lantern, so you’ll be prepared when terror strikes!

That’s Paranormal Activia: sold at all fine grocers, psychics and ghost hunters near you!

Win Country

California Indian gaming casinos have a clever play on the term “Wine Country” (which is a common term for the vineyard/winery areas of the state of California) for their ad campaign, which is to call their casinos “Win Country” and to give out fake passports to “Win Country” as a promotional gimmick to lure potential suckers, um, I mean, customers. But the sad fact is, most people lose at the casinos, or else the casinos would go broke and close, so calling it “Win Country” may be a bit dishonest. Unless they’re referring to the tendency of the casino to win. And since the passport is to the area where the casino is, maybe they’re being honest about it being “Win Country”, but just misleading as to who does the actual winning. In any case, if they’re giving out passports to people based upon the gambling results of the actual visitors/customers/gamblers/suckers, might I suggest that for the sake of truth in advertising, they use a different name for the area: “Lose Land”. That would be more accurate, I think. Or how about “Bankruptcyberg”? Or perhaps: “Debt Danube”? But then again, maybe these names wouldn’t generate a lot of business, so perhaps they should stick to lying: it’s a lot more profitable! (Or maybe they could give out a new passport to people who lose a lot of money for “Whine Country”.)

Subway $5 Footlong Ads

The song about the $5 Footlong, and the hand gestures of holding up the hand showing five fingers and then showing the two hands to indicate the foot long length are great. They’ve made and remade this ad so many times, it’s hard to keep track of them all. It seems they’ve used almost every movie genre imaginable (from the Frankenstein lab scene to the cheerleaders in a Bring It On-type sequence) except the one that would actually make sense in the context of using these hand gestures: porno.

I know they’d never even consider doing this, but at least it would make sense with the hand signals, and they wouldn’t even have to show anything naughty or explicit. Here’s how it would work: show a girl sitting on a couch in a halter top and shorts, and some guy steps up in front of her (his back is to us: we only see his back and his butt, and he’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt), unzips his pants (we just hear the zipping sound effect), and shows her his “tool”. She takes one look and holds up her hand to him, as if to say: “Hold on a minute!” Then she turns to the camera (as if to tell the director of the porno movie something) and gives the hand signals for the $5 Footlong: she holds up her hand with the five fingers showing (as if to say: “stop: hold everything”), and then she does the two hands to indicate the foot long length (as if to say that’s why she’s saying to forget it). Hey, it may be classless, but at least it would make sense, which is more than I can say for the others!

Skating and Gymnastics Replays

If you watch figure skating or gymnastics (especially rhythmic gymnastics or the ladies’ floor exercise), you’ll notice that after the performance, the television coverage will always show slow-motion replays of selected portions of the routine (especially if they screw something up: then they show that part over and over again from all angles. Jerks.). But when they show the replay in slo-mo, they always play the accompanying music back in its original speed, which I think it totally cheating. They really ought to play the music back in slo-mo too; that way it would still match the movements like it did the first time. Plus, it would be ridiculously silly. And that way, even people who are being forced to watch it (and would otherwise hate watching it) would have something to entertain them, too.

Skating Music

Skate America was last weekend, kicking off the new figure skating competitive season. And you know what that means, right? We’re going to have to hear the same old crappy music again and again in competition!

Ugh! How many times must I hear music from Phantom of the Opera and Romeo and Juliet? Seriously: I think they should take a deduction for using tired old music for your skating program. If you must skate to music from Broadway musicals, then how about swapping out “Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera for “The Internet is for Porn” from Avenue Q once in a while? For mercy’s sake: give us all a break!

And another thing: It looks like it’s going to be another year full of skaters falling during jumps, so I have an idea: let’s have them add a record skip sound effect whenever someone falls! That way, it will look like it was supposed to happen! Whenever skaters fall during the music normally, it’s clear that they’re making a mistake. But if they would play a record skip sound effect whenever a skater falls, it would seem like they meant to do it, and that it was part of the program. Then they’d look much better, right?

Bob’s Big Boy Alternatives

If you’re making a movie, and you want to use a Bob’s Big Boy as a set, but they won’t let you use their name, don’t fret: there are other options! How about these alternatives?:

Bill’s Bulky Boy

Larry’s Large Lad

Fred’s Fat Fellow

Chuck’s Chubby Child

Ted’s Tubby Tot

Robert’s Rotund Rascal

Tim’s Titanic Tyke

Tom’s Towering Toddler

Ollie’s Obese Offspring

Carl’s Corpulent Chap

Greg’s Giant Guy

Gary’s Gargantuan Gent

Marv’s Massive Man

Paul’s Portly Person

Hugo’s Humongous Human

SpongeBob Clones

SpongeBob SquarePants is the biggest thing in kids’ entertainment, and other producers would like to replicate this monumental success! When The Simpsons became a phenomenon years ago, television executives immediately recognized it was because the show was a cartoon that made it so successful (great writing and characters aren’t important, because who cares about that crap anyway?), so they crammed the airwaves with cartoon shows to capitalize on the new trend. Luckily for them, many of these shows also had good writing and talented people working on them, even though such things aren’t especially important, and most of these cartoon sitcoms were quite successful. This further convinced the executives that they knew what made shows into hit material.

So now that SpongeBob SquarePants is such a huge hit, television producers have figured out why: because kids love the combination of cleaning implements and geometric-shaped trousers! With this in mind, producers in Hollywood have been working on replicating the success of SpongeBob with new shows based upon the following soon-to-be hit characters:

Brillo Bill Parallelogram Pants

Swiffer Sam Triangle Trousers

Mop Mark Circular Slacks

Wisk Broom Wally Dustpan Dungarees

Vacuum Vernon Boxy Britches

Steel Wool Steve Rhomboid Jodhpurs

Look for these upcoming smash-hit shows on a kids’ network soon!

John McEnroe Sportswear

When I was a kid, my mom used to get me Jimmy Conners shirts to wear, and he’s hardly the only tennis star to have a clothing line. The very first clothing line to put an identifying logo on the outside of the shirt was Lacoste, the brand with the crocodile logo. (I believe most Americans think of it as an alligator, but we do that on purpose to annoy them at Lacoste, since they’re French.) And Lacoste was founded by the French tennis player René Lacoste in 1933. Many other sports stars have their own fashion lines and sportswear collections, from Andre Agassi’s Nike collection, to Nastia Liukin’s Supergirl line. So why not a line of sportswear from John McEnroe?

It would be great if he would make one! It could have a broken tennis racket logo on the chest, right where the polo logo goes on their shirts. And for added effect, he could have a stripe of light blue tears going down both sleeves, and reprints of his most famous quotes across the front and/or back, like: “That was in, are you blind?!” and “I’m telling my mom, you cheaters!” Wouldn’t it be great?

I’d buy one.

Alternatives to High Fiber Cereal

Television commercials for high-fiber cereals always stress how you won’t believe how edible they taste, etc., since we all instinctively know anything that helps produce excrement also tastes like it. And what’s so great about fiber? Well, it makes you regular, I think, and that’s about it. So why go through all this when there’s something else that helps keep you regular too: laxatives! They fortify sugared cereal with vitamins and stuff, so why not laxatives too? Then we could eat yummy cereal and still be able to take a crap!

So how about this for an idea? You know how Ex Lax makes a chocolate laxative? Well, why not make Cocoa Puffs with chocolate Ex Lax, or Count Chocula with chocolate Ex Lax? That way you could get all the benefits of a high-fiber cereal (the being able to poop part), and it would taste yummy! Plus, if your kids ever needed help in the regularity department, you could simply feed them some of this laxative-fortified cereal, and they’d be able to “go like a pro”! And, they’d eat it without complaining! (Just keep it out of reach of the kids, so they don’t have constant liquid diarrhea, also known as "poop soup"!)

You know you want some, so inundate General Mills with requests now!

Gillette ProGlide Shark Cage Ad

Okay, there’s a man-eating shark in Australia, and I blame Gillette! They’re making sharks crave human blood with advertising like this! What else is going to happen? Of course sharks are going to start eating us when they see this ad! In fact, I’ll bet this ad has started a whole new macho contest thing for divers to shave under water, releasing drops of blood into the ocean, and that’s what’s getting the sharks all hungry for humans! (In addition to this ad being shown on shark TV!)

I first saw this ad in Spanish on GolTV, and I thought it was a Spanish-language campaign. But no, it’s American. And I should have known it too! After all, what other country makes TV shows like Jackass? Nope, only in America would they come up with something like this! (Actually, I’m kidding: I love this commercial! What a great idea! And they should run this ad during Shark Week on the Discovery Channel too!)

But this commercial is a bit of a letdown at the end. What difference does it make what razor they use if they both make it out alive? If they really want to sell razors, they should have the guy with the cheapo razor cut himself, chum up the water with his blood, and then have the sharks smash through the cage and gobble him up in a feeding frenzy! If they can’t make it look like our lives depend on buying their product, how else are they going to get people to waste fifteen dollars on their ridiculously overpriced disposable razors? Only a threat like being eaten by a shark will scare most guys into dropping that much coin on a razor in this economy!

But how about this to scare guys into dropping the money on the counter: they show the guy get eaten by the shark, and then they say: “But you don’t have to worry about that out of the water, right?” And then they show a guy shaving with the cheap blade and nicking himself. As soon as he bleeds one drop of blood, a knock comes at the door, and he goes to answer it. And as soon as he opens the door, a huge shark chomps down on his head like in that “Land Shark” sketch from Saturday Night Live in the 1970s! That will teach everyone the value of the Gillette ProGlide!

Then their next ad in the campaign could have a team of police detectives and forensic pathologists at the scene of the guy’s front door shark attack. There would be a mangled corpse, gallons of blood everywhere, and shark tracks swimming away from the scene with a big trail of blood leading away from the house. Then the cops could say: “Another senseless slaughter! When are guys going to learn to use the Gillette ProGlide? I’m tired of cleaning up shark victims all over town, with nothing more left of them than fits in a bucket! Oh, the humanity!” That would make those razors fly off the shelves, right?

Actually, no: I forgot, sorry. These overpriced razors are always locked up to the shelves or in behind locked plastic cabinets in pharmacies, so they can’t actually fly off the shelves, now can they? The truth is, if they want to sell these things, they’re going to have to stop making them such a hassle to buy at the stores! But I guess they have to make them fun to steal too, just to keep everyone interested, huh?

And then, after the shark campaign had run its course, they could do a new campaign where they show the guy who uses the cheapo razor nick himself and attract vampires who attack him and drink his blood! And the only way to avoid this horrible fate is to use the Gillette ProGlide razor! See? It’s worth the ridiculously exorbitant price after all! Unless you want to be one of the undead, wandering the Earth a soulless demon endlessly searching for blood! (But maybe this idea would backfire, because then the cheapo razor companies could run ads that make it look like the vampires you’d attract when you cut yourself with their cheap razors would always be the smoking hot sexy female vampires. So then all the young nerds who couldn’t get dates would buy the cheap razors in the hopes that whenever they shave, they’ll be inundated with sultry, gorgeous Hammer-movie vampire women in silky, diaphanous gowns! Then Gillette would never sell another razor again!)

Here’s the shark-teasing spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNKPk4giXp8

Ebates Advertising Spokeswoman

Ebates is an internet company that gets people rebates on stuff. Their ads tell you about their service, but they’re lacking in pizzazz. I’ll bet a celebrity spokesperson could generate buzz for their company!

How about getting Kathy Bates to be their spokesperson? She could call herself “Kath Ebates”. It would be great! Remember when Suzy Chaffey became Suzy Chapstick?* No? Well, this will be even better than that!

* Here’s the Wikipedia page about Suzy Chapstick:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzy_Chaffee

Play Doh Dr Drill N Fill Playset Ad

Okay, now I’m worried. Toy companies are selling torture training kits as playthings to our children! This toy is basically a Marathon Man torture kit for the scene where Dustin Hoffman gets his teeth all drilled out by that Nazi doctor. (<The Nazi doctor is looking for his diamonds. I think he should make it up to Hoffman for torturing him by giving him a diamond grille once he gets his diamonds back. He's already done all the drilling part, so why not?) Yes, you read that correctly: this is a toy where our children get to play at drilling someone’s teeth out! (Now that's a "Play D'oh!") I wonder if it has screaming sound effects? (Notice how anesthesia is not included!) Perhaps this is a secret CIA interrogation training program? What’s next, a Wet N Wild Waterboarding Playset?

Here’s the torturous toy commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeXOZIktk-I

Range Rover Times Square Ad

Range Rover has a new ad where they park two unattended Range Rover SUVs in Times Square and film with a hidden camera to document all the people who walk up and marvel over the cars. Wow, this makes me think of one thing above all else: the Times Square car bomb plot by Faisal Shazad. And in this commercial, terrorists the world over will see what great car bombs these new Range Rovers will make, as they attract huge crowds, and then they can detonate them to kill and injure the largest number of innocent civilians possible. I know I’m not the only person who thinks primarily of this when this ad runs on TV, so they really should have known better.

Look, they could have parked their SUVs anywhere except for Times Square, and it would have been fine. Okay, maybe not in Iraq, but you get the idea. The Times Square bomb plot was with an SUV with dark tinted windows, and that’s what’s in this ad. (I mean, the plot was not with a Range Rover, but it's similar enough.) So why not park them in Washington Square Park? How about in another city? Why not at a tailgate party at an NFL game parking lot? How about anything except for making an ad that reminds everyone of a terrorist attack? Hey, at least the attack failed, but this ad looks like a training film for how to make it work the next time. And that’s just bad for business.

I’m sorry to have to mention this, but it’s true: this is a really insensitive ad, and it’s really dumb for them to have made it. It’s not quite as bad as if an airline ad showed a shot of a plane flying so that it looked like it was flying into a skyscraper, but it’s pretty close. For everyone who thinks of the failed Times Square car bomb plot when they see this spot, they will always think of terrorism when they see a Range Rover from now on, even if it’s just in the back of their mind. In my opinion, Range Rover has shot themselves in the foot here, and it’s all because of where they decided to shoot the ad. It’s a good commercial other than that, and it would have been so easy to avoid the problem if they had just used a little common sense. They really should have known better.

I’m sorry this isn’t lighthearted in tone like I usually like to be, but sometimes things require a serious response. I don't have anything against Range Rover (they're beautiful cars!), and they obviously didn't do it on purpose. Maybe they'll be lucky and nobody will notice. I just don't see how people could not notice; and if they do, then it could be a PR disaster. And nobody wants that for their product.

I can’t find this ad online yet, but it’s on TV, and it’s hard to miss. But here’s the Wikipedia page detailing the Times Square bomb plot, in case you've forgotten (like the guys at Range Rover obviously did!):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_Times_Square_car_bombing_attempt

Revisionist History PAC

Last night Stephen Colbert had a segment with Frank Luntz about what to do with his PAC, and how to use language to manipulate people. Colbert has been trying to figure out what his PAC ought to stand for, and he used some computer program to find the words most used in people’s suggestions, which ended up with the idea that corporations are people. But I think there’s a better thing for his PAC to be about, and that’s revisionist history.

So the Revisionist History PAC could run ads about whichever candidate they wanted to get re-elected, and especially for ones with awful records, they could make commercials claiming that they did very different things than they really did, and that their actions had very different (read: better) effects on the country than they actually did. That’s what all candidates really do in real life anyway (lie about their records, that is), so it would be a perfect thing to make fun of!

So using this idea, the PAC would be called: “The Revisionist History PAC”, and their slogan would be: “The Revisionist History PAC: Making a better yesterday today for tomorrow!”

Ballot Box Poison? Call Captain America!

If you watch the news today, you’ll see a lot of stories about how many Democratic candidates up for re-election are trying to avoid being seen with President Obama, thinking he may be a political liability due to his sagging popularity and the sluggish economy. But this is rude, and I think unacceptable for them to treat the president this way! They really should meet with the President if he comes to town: it’s only polite. But if they don’t want to be seen with him, there’s an easy way to meet with the president and also not be seen with him: they could wear a disguise!

Wearing a disguise would be the perfect solution to this political conundrum! If Democratic candidates refuse to be seen with President Obama, it makes him look bad; but if they are seen with him, it makes them look bad. So the obvious solution is to wear a disguise. That way they can deny reports that they weren’t willing to meet with the president publicly, but at the same time, there would be no way to use the meeting against these candidates! And here’s a costume that would work great for everyone: Captain America! If they wore a Captain America costume, nobody would recognize them with the president, and additionally, it would make the president look good that our great hero Captain America wants to be around him in public!

So Democrats, if you don’t want to hurt the president by shunning him, but you also don’t want to hurt your own political future by being seen with him, do the sensible thing that will help both of you: meet the president disguised as Captain America! It’s the right plan for America!

Oh, and if the Democrats need to do a large group event, and nobody wants to be seen with the president then either, then they could have it be a masquerade ball! That way, they could all honestly say they were there to support the president, but nobody could identify them to use it against them in a campaign ad! But they shouldn’t all dress as Captain America in that case: that would be tacky, and show how few ideas of their own they actually have.

Here’s the shunning story:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheats/2011/10/24/democrats-avoid-obama.html

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1011/66677.html

Rick Perry’s Post Card Tax Form

Rick Perry bragged about how his new tax plan would reduce the size of a tax form to that of a post card. Big deal! They can already fit the tax forms on a post card! All they’d have to do is print it in 1-point type, and they’d fit on a post card right now! Then you could use a microscope to do your taxes. In fact, based upon the dishonesty and gimmickry of most political candidates’ plans, Perry’s whole plan to fit the tax forms on a post card is probably based on the reduction of type size. And if that’s not the plan now, when his actual plan fails to pass, or doesn’t work, he’ll probably fall back on the reduced type size just to “keep his promise”.

But on another note, today heard Perry’s new tax plan referred to as “the 20-20-0 plan”. No, it should be called “the 20/20 plan”. Then the Perry campaign could use the line: “Rick Perry: The Man with a 20/20 Vision of America.” Or they could say it’s: “Rick Perry’s 20/20 Focus on the Future of America.” Then Perry could say to everyone who hates his new tax plan (which is pretty much everybody): “Without my 20/20 vision, you can’t see the future clearly.” See? Just pack on the clichés and he can’t lose! (Unless he has to debate anyone again…)

Here’s the tax plan pan story:

http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-pn-perry-tax-panned-20111025,0,1939677.story

Jon Huntsman’s China Comments

Today on a news interview, Jon Huntsman said this about his time as the American Ambassador to China: “I spent a lot of time helping people who wouldn’t easily be recognized in their society.” People who wouldn’t easily be recognized in their society? Isn’t that just a polite way of saying he thinks all Chinese people look alike? That’s very racially insensitive! No wonder he’s no longer the Ambassador to China: they probably threw him out for saying offensive stuff like that all the time!

Vincent Van Gogh Murder

A ha! So, they finally admit it: Van Gogh was murdered! I knew it!

And who is it who is denying the fact that he was murdered? Why, it’s the guy who runs the Van Gogh Museum and edited his letters! But how can you edit someone’s letters if you’re not there when they’re being written? Which proves he was there, and that he killed him! Otherwise, why would he deny he was murdered? Who is he covering up for, if not himself? We all know it’s true, and that he did it!

Okay, so how and why could he be the killer, you might ask? Well, obviously this guy found out Van Gogh would be the most famous artist with the most valuable paintings of all time, and he used time travel to go back in time to kill him and steal his paintings so he could wait until now to sell them! Isn’t it obvious? And he set up the Van Gogh Museum to get him all famous and make his paintings all valuable so he could sell them for millions!

And naturally, he had to edit Van Gogh’s letters, otherwise we’d read all about how some guy materialized from the future to take all his paintings! So this guy obviously is the one who convinced everyone Van Gogh was crazy, when he was perfectly normal all along! And he did it so nobody would believe Van Gogh about the guy (him!) materializing from another time! And why else would nobody have bought any of Van Gogh’s paintings during his lifetime unless this guy told everyone not to because he was a dangerously violent insane person? That way, this guy could hog all the paintings for himself! And I’ll bet he even cut the guy’s ear off to sell the idea he was nuts!

But I’m onto this guy! Another time-traveling profiteer from the future who goes back in time and just guards his stuff for a century or so. And how could he live that long? Well, obviously he’s an alien. That’s right: I’m breaking the news that Vincent Van Gogh was murdered by aliens! Let the government deny their existence now! I’d like to see them try! They keep crashing UFOs all over the place, and that’s easy to cover up; but now they’re murdering our famous artists! Surely the government must act to protect our cultural treasures now, before it’s too late!

Here’s the story that proves aliens killed Van Gogh:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/upshot/questions-surround-death-van-gogh-193733447.html

Lexus “Wall” Ad

In this commercial for Lexus, they demonstrate how great they are at clean technology by driving their car through a glass wall covered with shelves containing flammable, dangerous, toxic, poisonous chemicals, and letting them smash and spill all over the place. And because they’re such a socially conscious company, they just drive away and leave the whole mess to seep into the ground and mix up to create a toxic cloud of hazardous waste pollution. Nice.

It’s really best when bragging about the environmental cleanliness of your product to show it creating a huge mess of a chemical spill, isn’t it? And best yet, to make a point of leaving it there. But then again, what’s the point of developing clean technology if you don’t get to just pour all the dirty stuff you’re replacing right on the ground? Once we’ve developed the clean energy vehicle, shouldn’t we just blow up all those tanks of oil and gas so as to rid ourselves of all the evil oil? Who cares if it pours thick black smoke into the air, so long as we’re rid of it, right? No? Well, that’s what this spot makes me think their attitude is. And it doesn’t seem all that responsible to me.

Here’s the contaminating commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJTYPq0gNCo

State Farm Check Deposit Ad

Is State Farm a bank now? They’re offering a service where you can take a picture of your check with a smartphone and deposit it directly into your account. But is it your bank account, or your insurance policy account? I’m not really clear on how it works, but the one thing I am sure of is this: they don’t make it look very popular in their commercial.

In this spot they show a professional athlete accepting a check and shaking hands with a guy who I’m guessing is the team owner (?), while the athlete’s manager stands next to him on the left. Then someone in the media crowd says: “Better deposit that before you get hurt!” Then the manager imagines a bunch of scenarios where his client (the athlete) gets injured in a variety of accident scenarios. (This is a great idea, by the way! Present the product, and show an instance where you might need it, and make it funny and clever: great job so far!) So then the manager grabs the check and quickly uses the State Farm check depositing service to immediately deposit it, and as he does it, he tells everyone what he’s doing, and what the service is, etc. But this shocks the crowd, and everyone falls into silent disapproval. Hilarious, right? Maybe it’s awkwardly funny, but it leaves the product/service they’re selling in an extremely dubious position. You see, it’s the thing that everyone is now shocked and appalled about.

This ad is good in theory, but I think they should have ended it in a different way. The way it ends makes it look like everyone disapproves of this service, as well as the manager’s behavior. All they would have had to do to save it would have been this: have everyone gasp as he does the check scan deposit, and then have him give it back to the athlete, who resumes shaking hands with the team owner, making everyone cheer. Then, after the handshake, the player leans over to his manager to say: “Thanks, that’s good thinking!”

Still, though, I think it’s putting what’s a very useful service in an awkward position and showing it in a somewhat negative light. Here’s what I think would have worked a lot better: It’s the same press conference, and they’re shaking hands over the check. The guy says the same thing about how he’d better deposit the check before he gets hurt, etc. Then the manager sees an imagined example of his player getting hurt, and then the player imagines himself getting hurt. This happens during the handshake and the cheering. Then, after the handshake and the cheering, the player turns to the manager and says: “Hey, can we deposit that check now?” And the manager whips out his smartphone and uses the new service to do it, as he explains how it works to his client. Then his client (the athlete) says: “Thanks, man! I knew I hired the right guy! You always know just what to do!” And the athlete puts his arm around his manager and they both smile affectionately at each other.

I think this above scenario would have gotten the point across, made the joke, and then made the State Farm check deposit service look great in the end, rather than leaving it in an awkward situation. Plus, the guy who used the product/service would look good and be appreciated, rather than look like a jerk that everyone is angry with for ruining an important moment. The original ad has the right idea, but for me it just leaves the thing they’re trying to sell (the whole reason the commercial exists in the first place) looking awkward and tarnished with the way the spot ends. And that’s not helping the product, in my opinion.

Here’s the spot: see what you think:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlkGavKRB5U

Honda Pilot “Crazy Train” Ad

A family and perhaps a guest or two are driving through what looks like a desert, and they’re all doing an a cappella version of “Crazy Train”, where each person does a separate instrument, started by a kid who seems to interpret the bass notes into the word: “fumble”. (He must be a fan of football bloopers.) So then I guess this is Honda’s way of telling us this car doesn’t come with a car stereo? And I guess there’s no DVD player for the kids either, huh? Oh, well: most people sing group a cappella metal songs anyway nowadays, right? So maybe you don’t need any entertainment system in a car anymore.

Here’s the silly spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ2Wvmvpszs&feature=related

UPS “That’s Logistics” Song

I don’t know whose idea it was to change the old song “That’s Amore” to “That’s Logistics”, but it seems like a silly idea to me. For one thing, the song is practically unrecognizable now with the new lyrics and orchestration anyway, so why use it? Plus, who even knows that song anymore? (I remember it from ads of “not available in stores” albums being sold on TV of Mario Lanza singing it, but otherwise, it’s pretty old.) And then there’s the fact that the word “logistics” doesn’t even come close to rhyming with “amore”. It would have been cheaper to have a new song written from scratch. Using the old song just means they have to pay royalties to use it, get a legal license to change it (as that’s covered in copyright protections), and then pay someone to write the new words and arrangement for it; and all that adds up to a lot of money in the end. And seeing as how it’s the whole big concept of their (relatively) new campaign, it probably costs them even more on top of it all. (Unless the song is in the public domain? I guess it could be, but I doubt it.)

So why do it? I think a new song/jingle would have been a better idea. But in any case, it’s certainly better than the old: “What can brown do for you?” ads. People used to say stuff like: “It can be the color of my crap!” whenever those ads came on. I guess that’s getting people to talk about it, but not in a way that I’d think would get UPS a lot of business (or respect). Some people say no publicity is bad publicity, but I’d say that’s incorrect. For proof of the idea that some publicity can hurt you, think back to that “I’m not a witch” ad for Christine O’Donnell: that definitely ended up hurting her, rather than helping her, even though it got a lot of people talking about her, because it made everyone say bad things about her. And that usually doesn’t help.

Maybe that annoying guy with the whiteboard wasn’t so bad after all? But if they’re going to do a cover of a popular song, and have it be about logistics, how about remaking Supertramp’s “The Logical Song” as “The Logistical Song”? It might even work.

Here’s an example of this UPS ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgui8TeJ57o

And here’s another:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eL75TVcJJPc

Cam Newton & Auburn

Auburn got blown out by LSU today 45-10, and it’s Auburn’s third loss so far this season. This after they won the national championship last season. Cam Newton decided to go straight to the NFL after they won last season, rather than spend his senior year playing at Auburn. So I have to wonder: if Cam Newton showed up at today’s game near the end of it and waved to the Auburn fans, would they cheer him as the football hero of last year, or would they pelt him with empty beer cans for abandoning the team to a so-so season and today’s huge blowout loss? I’m just curious.

Having spent some time in Alabama, I know they’re a smidge fanatical about the college football stuff. You’d think that fans of even rival teams from the same state, in this case Alabama, would be happy to root for either team from Alabama whenever one of them is in a championship game (or I would have thought so, anyway), but such is not the case. The fans of Alabama and Auburn so hate each other, it’s practically unbelievable! So while I’d think Auburn fans might be a bit angry at Cam Newton for leaving, I’ll bet Alabama fans all of a sudden completely appreciate Mr. Newton, now that he’s left Auburn in the lurch.

Here’s the story about the LSU/Auburn game today (Notice if you will how the author of this news story calls LSU {who is #1} #2, and also calls Alabama #2. Hmmm. That’s a professional journalist for you: completely incompetent. {BTW: No fair correcting this article!}):

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/college/football/sec/story/2011-10-22/lsu-auburn/50870778/1

Champagney

California wines are pretty much the best in the world, and the French export wines are their “pour down the toilet” grade. (They keep all the good ones for themselves: can you blame them?) But even so, it’s still not permissible to call any wine “Champagne” unless it’s from the Champagne region of France. Champagne-type wines from other places and countries are called “sparkling wine” instead. This doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Champagne”.

So I was thinking, since the FDA allows food companies to market fake chocolate under the term “chocolatey”, rather than forcing them to call it “sweet brown stuff”, why can’t we get the same type of name for California Champagne? In the spirit of the term “chocolatey”, we could call it “Champagney”. It still might sound cheap somehow, but it’s better than calling it “sparkling wine”, isn’t it? That just makes everyone think of that Boone’s Farm stuff everyone drank too much of and threw up in high school.

Or maybe we could call it “freedom wine”, like we called French fries “freedom fries” when France wouldn’t help us invade Iraq, and then they corrected our grammar and were all rude to us whenever we would try to ask anyone for directions in Paris.

Or they could just call it “Shampagne”.

Here’s a blog post about this California Champagne issue:

http://blog.wblakegray.com/2011/01/california-champagne-is-now-illegal.html

And here’s an article about “chocolatey”:

http://sweets.seriouseats.com/2008/05/land-o-lakes-international-drinking-cocoa-chocolatey-flakes.html

ConocoPhillips College Students Ad

This spot shows a trio of college students arguing about energy production in what looks like a chemistry or physics class auditorium, after the class has finished. This commercial is especially funny in its showing of three college students having different points of view about oil companies. In my experience, all college students hate oil companies as evil capitalist Earth murderers, and nothing will ever convince them otherwise. Oh, but this ad has only one liberal college student, and she’s willing to listen to someone about the merits of drilling for energy (!).

This ad is pure fantasy. Everyone knows all college kids hate corporations and want 100% clean energy, and will hate and shout down anyone who tries to convince them otherwise. How do I know this? I used to be a college student. You can’t get a liberal college student who hates corporations to listen to anyone who disagrees with their point of view: they just put words in their mouth, like: “Well, you just want to rape the Earth, you money-grubbing bastard!” (etc.) They’re not able to be convinced, and even if they could be, they shout everyone else down so as not to hear anything that would or could convince them.

I know this because I went to a very liberal college, and this was always my experience. Plus, I was like that myself, to a certain extent. So to see this travesty play out in an oil company ad, as if college students are arguing about how we should all give oil companies the benefit of the doubt and support them, rather than getting stoned and ordering a pizza while bitching about “the man”, is patently ridiculous!

I’m not bashing college kids, mind you; just the fact that they’d be misrepresented in an oil company commercial like this. College kids aren’t supposed to have to live in the real world yet, so they can still have ideals. Oil companies don’t have any ideals, just lobbyists. So tell us all about your plan, and make fun of college kids all you want, but please don’t pretend that you can convince them that they can trust you to drill and mine and burn all the stuff you want without environmental impact or consequence. You lose all of your credibility when you do that. (And I thought I could trust oil companies! Would that I had not mine eyes opened to such ugliness of untruthfulness!)

You see, we might be desperate enough to believe the oil company, since we want and need cheap energy; but they (the college students) never will until they have to pay for the energy themselves. And that’s just a fact.

I can’t find this ad online, and I’m guessing it’s because the internet is a youth-oriented playground, where this spot would be ruthlessly torn apart and made fun of if it were there. Have you ever seen the comments section of a YouTube video? Well, my guess is that the one associated with this commercial would be about as snide and hostile as possible, and not without good reason.

No, no: wait! Here it is (unbelievably)! I found it today, April 12, 2012. And look, it's just as I suspected: way more dislikes than likes (53 nays vs. 11 yays), and the comments have been disabled! (I wonder why?):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urTYPe9j0WM

I think if an oil company wants to make inroads with college kids, they ought to accurately depict how college kids distrust and detest them, and then show how most all of the things students love to do (from driving cars, to playing music, to watching movies, to recharging or even having their iPods, cell phones and laptops) would be impossible or practically unattainable without the oil companies providing affordable energy, not to mention plastics, which are petroleum-based. But while they’re making record profits of late, the oil companies have done next to nothing to control the prices at the pump, jacking up the price at every opportunity, so the argument for cheap energy starts to fall apart, or at least gets cloudy, like the clouds of smog that pollute our cities. But if it was my assignment to make an ad for them, that’s what it would be: showing young people how much everything they like to do depends on the energy and byproducts from oil. Even the idealism of college kids might begin to fade if they couldn't afford to use all their gadgets, not to mention perhaps not even having them at all to begin with. But maybe that's hitting below the belt.

Kadhafi Dead

It’s hard to believe it, but Kadhafi is dead. I heard he was hiding out under different spellings of his name, and that’s why it took so long to find him. Every network is using a different spelling, so I guess he just went down the list for aliases. Who would have suspected?

Now, if you read my old posts, I was against American getting involved in the Libya thing, but that’s because I was afraid his huge stockpile of killer sunglasses would fall into the wrong hands. If the terrorists get to look Gucci cool, we’re in trouble! So that’s why the Pentagon is giving top priority to recovering these deadly sunglasses with looks that kill!

But it’s not all good news, I’m afraid: Kadhafi’s death leaves a dangerous fashion vacuum in the Middle East, and that might invite the militarist fashions of a Helmut Lang to flourish in the meantime! And then the hostilities will never cease, once the people with guns find out they’re too fat to fit into Lang’s clothes! (I know that’s a dated reference, but look it up.)

Or could John Galliano take over as the new dictator? His ruthless fashions and anti-Semitism could really take off in Libya! And guys: he’s available!

Seriously, Libya: isn’t this guy perfect for your next president? (Or is he too similar to the last guy?):

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh67PQoAWeRMPy7LP594oFS28AMou5FYaFM36fPG0JZ45_rDr9ndoqEi7nmDoVUwvKLM-VY4bHFiJJBbXEuZZUqNs9Ijd1Dr03vn4e5HtOxg6mknoMkudMHiqHXrCWRFP7FnbemCOsaHDqr/s1600/john_galliano-princess.jpg

http://top-people.starmedia.com/tmp/swotti/cacheAM9OBIBNYWXSAWFUBW==UGVVCGXLLVBLB3BSZQ==/imgJohn%20Galliano3.jpg

Lexus “Gap” Ad

Okay, here’s another car ad where cars are skidding around all over the place. Well, it’s important to know you can get away with doing donuts in them when you’re drunk, right? Okay, maybe not, but showing this stuff is still really irresponsible if you ask me! I can’t help but steal one and drive it like this after seeing this ad! And all because of this spot! (It’s not my fault! They made me do it!)

So this shows the Lexus skidding through smaller and smaller spaces, until it barely squeaks through the last one. Gee, I can’t imagine some high yahoo attempting this for a YouTube video, can you? Actually, maybe I can… But that’s not important, now is it? After all, they say: “…because it isn’t real performance unless it’s wielded with precision.” Which means that unless you’re a really well trained stunt driver, their car sucks. Right? Because they said it has to be wielded with precision in order to have good performance, so that must mean that it’s a crappy car unless you’re a racecar driver, so regular people shouldn’t bother to buy it.

At least, that’s what it says to me, on top of providing a really bad example for people who watch the ad. Great job, guys! Now I know why there are so many tire skid marks all over town. But I’m not a stunt driver, so I guess I’m not going to buy your car.

Oh, but I think I finally get it, what they’re saying here in this ad. They’re saying that if you get into a wreck, it’s because you’re a spaz, and not because their car is lame. And if you drive like the guy in this ad, and you still wreck, well, then they told you so, right? Because then you obviously didn’t wield it with enough precision, so how can you expect “real performance”? Right? So their car is great; it’s you who are lame, if anything ever goes wrong with the car. I like the implied insult, but I’m still not sure about the car. After all, a Lexus is just a gussied-up Toyota, so what’s the big deal?

Here’s the spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4KFYgk57M

Sex Offenders Banned from Halloween

They’re banned now! See? Here’s the story:

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2011/10/riverside-passes-halloween-sex-offender-ban.html

Sex offenders used to be able to give out candy on Halloween? That’s terrible! But now it’s all fixed! Now they’re only allowed to give out free candy for 364 days out of the year, so it completely solves the problem! Thanks, government: you always know how to fix everything!

The Pisser

I’m talking about a car here. My father used to work on little sports cars when I was a kid, and I used to help. He always told me that when I turned 16, I could have one of them. But when the time came, he said they weren’t safe or reliable enough, so I got my mom’s old car: a 1978 AMC Pacer Station Wagon. My father was right, a fiberglass car that’s ridiculously unreliable is not a good car for a teenager. But an AMC Pacer Station Wagon? I mean, really!

Well, my friends got one look at this thing, which had been repainted silver since being practically totaled by some lady who drove into my mom, and they named it: “The Pisser”. Well, that name really started taking on an ironic, loving nature once we’d been in it for awhile. You see, this was no ordinary car: it was like Herbie the Love Bug to us: this car was alive!

Okay, first off, I know what you’re thinking: How can a Pacer Station Wagon be cool? Well, think of it this way: Let’s say you’re a kid who gets their dream car, and then someone opens a door into it? Would you care? It might ruin your day, or even your year! But not if you had your mom’s old beat-up car! Who cares? Plus, as a station wagon, it fit all my friends in it at once, so we could all go everywhere together! And, I played bass in a band, so I could fit all my gear into it, plus my guitars, plus my guitarist’s gear and his guitars, and him! It was perfect! Not to mention the fact that it was a tank, and it could take the worst weather and road conditions without a worry. And it was unbelievably reliable! Looking better and better?

Okay, you remember the part about the car seeming like it was alive? Well, here’s where it plays in: Because it was a silly car, we would constantly get these jerks in Trans Ams and Z-28s pulling up beside us at lights, laughing and asking us to race. Well, we would accommodate them, but this AMC Pacer Station Wagon would beat them all! I’m not even joking! I don’t know how it managed it, but we never lost a drag race in that car! But the thing is, as soon as the beaten car would disappear out of sight, the Pacer would conk out and die, and we’d have to pull it over onto the side of the road for 15 minutes before it would start back up again. That, plus many other times it never failed us, convinced us all it was a living being: like John Henry hammering on the mountain, but laying down and dying after he beat the steam shovel: only this one would come back to life!

By the time I moved away from that city, that car had become a legend. It’s hard for a Trans Am, or an Audi to beat all expectations. But for your mom’s old car, you never know! So if you’re a 16-year-old kid, and you get a car, any car: be happy and be grateful! You never know what you might get, plus you can drive! It’s a lot more than everyone can have. And, you won’t worry so much about it like you would a cool car. And sometimes, that’s the greatest gift of all! (You’ll see! Watch your friends’ expensive cars get dented and wrecked: then you’ll see things my way!)

And here’s another thing to think about: Would you rather be the guy in the Trans Am who gets smoked by an AMC Pacer Station Wagon? I’ll bet he’s still in therapy about it!

Uloric Flask Ads

Have you seen the ads where some guy with gout has to carry around all of his uric acid in some flask? Um, why doesn’t he just pour it out? It looks to me like carrying around all that stuff is what’s giving him gout. But I’ll bet they don’t want you to know that... Then you wouldn’t need Uloric! (So please don’t tell anyone I told you.)

I can’t find these ads, so sorry about that. But you’ll know them if you see them, because some fat guy is carrying around an Erlenmeyer flask full of the Reanimator reagent. This must be so that he can get revenge against everyone who doesn’t have gout by reanimating corpses with his uric acid, in case the Uloric doesn’t work.

Newt Gingrich Is: The President’s Dad

Watching the Republican debate last night made me like Newt Gincrich more, but he doesn’t seem like a president to me. Every time he speaks up, it seems to be to scold everyone. It’s as if there was a sit-com called: The President’s Dad, and every time the president tried to do anything, Newt Gingrich as the president’s dad would pop out from behind some door and say: “Now son, don’t screw it up like you did last time!” And the president would say: “Aww, Dad!” And when the president is giving a speech on live TV, Newt would pop into frame in front of the president and say: “Remember, don’t say anything bad against another Republican like you did last time!” And the president would say: “Daaaad! Let me do it! I’m the president!” And then Newt could say: “Well, son, maybe I ought to be the president instead of you.” And the president could whine: “Aww, Dad: You just made me look stupid in front of all my friends again!” And Newt could say: “Son, that’s what parents are for!” And the canned cheering would go wild. (It would be very popular with seniors.)

Fix Medicare Balloon Ad

I can’t find this spot online yet, but if you’ve seen it, you’re not likely to forget it. This commercial shows an old man holding onto a large bunch of balloons, and he’s flying through the air like in the movie Up or something. So this old man is enjoying flying through the air, looking over treetops and woods, and then, all of a sudden, his balloons start popping! Oh, no! And as he goes on flying through the sky, we see that the balloons are being popped by arrows being shot at them by someone down on the ground! The murderers! Or are they? Let’s see what’s “up” here.

Let me ask you this: how long do you think an old man could hold onto a bunch of strings with his hands if they’re the only thing holding him up from falling down to his death? Not long, I’d say! So what happens when the arrows start popping the balloons? Does he come crashing down to the ground? No, he comes floating down comfortably! So I think what’s really going on here is that a bunch of concerned citizens saw an old man holding on for dear life, and they decided the only way they could save him was to start popping the balloons one by one until he came floating safely to the ground. So they shot little plastic arrows from children’s toys at the balloons and saved his life from an almost certain horrible death from falling like a stone out of the sky! So they saved his life!

Oh, but they twist this rescue mission all out of context and try to act like forcing this guy to hold on until he loses his grip and falls to his death is the better thing to do! And then they act like Medicare kills old people by forcing them to hold on for dear life until they can’t hold on any longer, and then they fall to their deaths, dying in a pile of crushed goo that can’t be traced back to them because the balloons will have all floated away! Well, if they’re torturing seniors this way, I’m shocked! No wonder this ad says we need to fix Medicare: they’re trying to kill seniors with balloons!

Hershey’s Air Delight

They’ve got ‘em: first the kisses, now the candy bars! It’s the trend that’s crossing the land: Hershey’s “Air Delight”! Why didn’t they think of it sooner?

Well, maybe it’s because they didn’t have to. You see, chocolate prices have gone through the roof, and everyone is being forced to sell smaller portions for the same price! Unless…

Hey, what if you could make it seem like having your chocolate candy being half air bubbles was a good thing? It would be just as big, but lower in calories! What a breakthrough! I can’t believe they didn’t think of it sooner!

But actually, I think I know why they didn’t: they didn’t have to until now. But with the obesity epidemic, shouldn’t they really have thought if it before anyway? I guess health is always insignificant next to the bottom line, even if our bottom lines are bulging! Oh, well.

But chocolate is yummy, so it’s hard to blame them.

Here’s the “air delight” kisses ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_T1GkvgnOE

Apples & Oranges & Republicans

Tuesday night’s Republican debate opened with a lot of talk about Herman Cain’s “9-9-9 Plan”. Other candidates criticized it, but then Mr. Cain said it was confusing apples and oranges. Then he and other candidates said that they would be replacing apples with oranges in their different arguments. But what would happen if they replaced all of our apples with oranges?

I’ll tell you what would happen: we’d all get sick! An apple a day keeps the doctor away, right? Well, once they take away all of our apples and replace them with oranges, we’ll have to go to the doctor all at once, and that would make healthcare costs spike! Oh, but that must be part of their plan!

Yes, these Republicans have been trying to discredit Obama’s health care bill ever since it was passed, and if they take away all of our apples, and we all get sick, that will make the health care plan look awful! Plus, as rich businessmen, all these guys probably own stock in biotech and pharmaceutical companies, so if we all get sick, then they’ll all get rich! So it’s no wonder they’re trying to replace all of our apples with oranges!

Well, I’m onto these guys! I say buy all the apples and apple juice concentrate you can, while you still can, before it’s too late! Then we can foil their dastardly plan to make us all ill! Who’s with me? We’ll stop them yet from beating us all to a pulp with oranges! Then we can say defiantly: “How do you like them apples?”

After all, with no apples, how can we have apple pie? And what’s more American than apple pie? See? So then it’s clear they’re also trying to destroy America by forcing orange pie on everyone! Orange pie: who’s ever heard of such a thing? I’ll bet a commie invented it just to hurt America!

Herman Cain’s Controversial Comments

The news is going crazy over some comments made by Herman Cain about an electrified border fence that would zap and cook people trying to sneak into the United States. Some say it was a joke, while others claim it’s an outrage. But this idea is hardly new. How else do you think they make the sausage meat for that pizza company Cain used to run? That’s the secret recipe!

Fiat 500 Jennifer Lopez Ad

I’m talking about a specific commercial here: not the one where everyone is crowding her for an autograph, but the one where she’s driving around the inner city, and she’s saying that these may look like just streets to you, but to her they’re a playground, yadda, yadda.

Yeah, right! Like she drives a cheap little car through the Bronx, rather than driving through Beverly Hills in an Aston Martin! Excuse me if I don’t believe you, but this looks staged to me. It’s like if Elizabeth Taylor would have done an ad for fake diamonds when she was alive: it’s just not believable. So pardon me if I have to call “bullcrap”.

Or does she drive this car back to the old neighborhood because she doesn’t care if it gets stripped? After all, I’m sure she gets them for free for doing these ads, so what’s the difference? Or doesn’t she feel safe leaving her Aston Martin out on the “playground”? (I’m from Hollywood, and from what I understand, she drives an Aston Martin, not a Fiat. But you know, based on that other Fiat ad where everyone is crowding her for autographs, maybe she ought to trade in her Aston Martin for a dozen Fiat 500s and a bunch of doubles, so she can go where she wants without being hassled, while everyone chases the doubles around town!)

Here’s the ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJPCAEkcyqg

And here’s the one where she gets crowded for autographs (You know, maybe her fans wrecked her Aston Martin doing this kind of stuff, and so now she doesn’t want to waste anymore money on another expensive car that’s just going to get all crushed and dented by fans! So I guess the Fiat 500 might be perfect for her after all. She just needs to add all that Road Warrior-type stuff onto it to repel everyone.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niLjg6cm-Qo&NR=1

(P.S.: I told you so! Look:

http://music.yahoo.com/blogs/amplifier/jennifer-lopez-fakes-bronx-drive-car-ad-182135716.html

I was actually talking about the statement of the ad; I didn't know that the whole thing was faked, though! And as it turns out, she does have doubles driving around in Fiats!)

Toyota “Activate Dog” Ad

Okay, there’s a new ad where they show some Toyota morphing into shape, or being built by CGI, or whatever the hell they’re doing here (like you can get the CGI version: whatever!), and once it’s done, the guy asks for a dog (he says: “Activate dog.” {!}), and it appears. But it’s a prissy girly lap dog like Paris Hilton would have, so he asks for a bigger dog, and he gets a nice brown dog that’s normal guy size.

Okay, this is a stupid ad, but what I really want to know is this: if this car is so great, then how come their default dog is a crappy yippy lap dog? Is that because it’s a girl’s car? Isn’t it sexist to assume everyone will want a girl’s dog? Or isn’t it politically correct to ask such a thing? (Hey man, two wrongs don’t make a right!)

But here’s the thing about a computer delivering the dog you want: can you ask for it not to have any excrement come out of it ever, or not to chew up anything, or not to drool and stuff? How about not to bark or bite? Because if it could, then it would be a really nice car, even if it defaults to the annoying Paris Hilton lap dog (so long as you can change the dog afterwards, like in this commercial).

Okay, I can’t believe I can find this on YouTube already to show you what I’m talking about, but here it is (They must be proud of it!):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0dPeZxSy0M

AT&T Impulse 4G Borrower Ad

Some guy gets the new AT&T Impulse 4G cell phone, and immediately someone at work adheres himself to the guy’s new phone, making his life a living hell of misery with an inability to do his job to boot. And your life can suck like this too, when you get the new Impulse 4G phone from AT&T!

That’s right: everyone will nag you to death to use your phone night and day! You won’t get a moment’s peace, and worse yet, you’ll never be free to do your job, so you’ll probably get fired too! Great, right? Well, all you have to do for all this to be yours is to buy that phone!

Yes, once again we have a commercial that makes it looks like a curse to own the product they’re selling! What a brilliant strategy! Oh, but they say that the phone is cheap enough for the annoying guy to get his own, so that solves that issue, right? Um, not really; actually, many people are out of work right now, and salaries are falling off a lot these days, so probably your annoying friends won’t be able to afford one. And you know what that means: this ad shows what your life will be like if you get that phone (except for the last part, where the annoying guy gets his own)! Great, huh?

I think I’ll get a Jitterbug phone: that way nobody will ever nag me to use it!

Sorry, I can’t find this ad online yet, but you’ll know it when you see it! The guy with the new phone has a guy at work grab the guy’s new phone, and he won’t let it go no matter what, ruining his whole day! Really makes you want to get one, doesn't it?

I've since found this spot on YouTube, and here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDsGBF5e4FA

Special K Tagline

“What will you gain when you lose?”

That’s the new Special K tagline. It’s really very good, seeing as how they’re all about being the cereal to eat if you’re trying to lose a little weight. The problem is that this new ad they’re using it in shows how jeans ought to be sized all with complimentary adjectives rather than numbered sizes, and that doesn’t really make it seem like losing weight should mean anything, and as such, not a goal so much as a prejudice. And then their whole market strategy of being the weight loss cereal falls apart. See what I mean?

But it’s a really good tagline, based upon their time-honored marketing strategy of being the weight loss cereal. (Unless they meant that if you lost at love, or lost a game, or a job, that you'd gain a lot of weight by binge eating. It could mean that, too. And then it wouldn't be such a good tagline.)

Look, the ad I’m talking about is the one with that seriously beautiful brunette going to the department store and looking at jeans that all have sizes that are words like: “Sassy”, etc., rather than numbers. Now, this ad idea is great for women’s self esteem, but how does this fit into the whole weight loss thing? This ad makes it look like nobody should need to lose weight. So then why do they need Special K?

Here’s this ad (I love this ad and this concept, but not for Special K. Because after all, can’t you be a “size Sassy” anyway, without eating Special K? Or do you only get to feel good about yourself if you eat their cereal? I’d say this ad would work really well for a new brand of plus-sized jeans that used such an adjective-based sizing system: Now that’s an idea!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab26zHZiPRM

But for an ad that works especially well to sell Special K for their weight loss marketing strategy, check out this other Leo Burnett spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2cgMPQRqfw&feature=related

(BTW: I always wondered why Blondie’s “One Way or Another” {I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha...} didn’t become the theme song for a CSI clone TV show of police procedural murder mysteries. The lyrics would be perfect! Maybe someone’s already used it but I missed it?)

Disorder

If you find yourself caught in the middle of a riot (like they just had in Rome), when you thought it would just be a peaceful protest, and you’re wondering what song you should put on to make it seem like the right mood, try the song: “Disorder” by The Exploited. It’s just perfect!

You can buy it as an MP3, or on the album Troops of Tomorrow. But the thing about this song that’s so perfect is that it feels like a riot in your ears, and the lyrics are all about rising up against the government and destroying society, and all that good stuff. It’s always been one of my favorites, and I’m not even the rioting type!

So when you’re holding a peace sign, and everyone around you is wearing black motorcycle helmets and ninja masks and throwing steel pipes at store windows and police officers’ heads, simply put on “Disorder” by The Exploited on your iPod, and it will seem like you’re at the right place at just the right time!

But I hope you’ve got some bail money with you, as this song is a thrasher!

Here’s the song:

http://www.amazon.com/Disorder/dp/B000VEUA1E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1318797569&sr=1-1

And here are the lyrics:

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Disorder-lyrics-Exploited/70B2C553B20B2272482573250024D740

And here’s what just happened in Rome, in case you haven’t heard:

http://news.yahoo.com/rome-cleans-devastation-asks-why-happened-124456286.html

Daddy Warbucks

My recent post referencing the song “Tomorrow” from Annie reminded me of something about her benefactor/foster dad: Daddy Warbucks. Based upon his name, he’s obviously a war profiteer, right? (Get it: War Bucks? He must be one!) I thought they were supposed to be all evil and stuff. But he’s nice, right? And everybody loves Daddy Warbucks, right?

So I was thinking, what if Halliburton changed its name to: “Daddy Warbucks, Inc.” Would everyone love them then? I mean, I’d think even the most war-opposed liberal Democrat wouldn’t be able to accuse sweet Daddy Warbucks, right? After all, it would mean that poor Little Orphan Annie would be back on the streets, and it would be their fault! And I thought helping the underprivileged was the Democrats’ big issue! But if they’d go after Daddy Warbucks, then they’d be hurting Annie! Shame on them! And then Daddy Warbucks, Inc. could do anything it wanted with impunity!

See what a winning PR strategy this could be? And Blackwater thought they found a winner by changing their name to Xe! (Actually, I’ve almost never heard anyone mention them since then, so I guess they were right!) But if they ever get charged with anything, then they’ll rue the day they didn’t change their name to Daddy Warbucks! But that’s taken now, so go get your own Teflon rename strategy!

Slasher Movie-Themed Glucose Test Strips

For people with Diabetes, stabbing your fingers to test your glucose can be a miserable experience. But for fans of slasher movies, it can be fun, now that there’s the new slasher movie-themed glucose test strips! Shaped like little slasher knives and chain saws, and coming with matching masks (your choice of Michael Myers’s William Shatner mask, Jason’s hockey mask, the Scream killer mask, or Leatherface’s human skin mask), the slasher movie blood glucose testing system will give you hours of fun, even if you usually hate drawing blood! Simply put on the mask, stab yourself in the fingers, and act like you’re a horror movie killer! It’s awesome! In fact, it’s so much fun, you won’t want to only use it on yourself! Imagine what fun home movies you could make by “testing the blood glucose level” of all your friends and neighbors! It’s so much fun, even people without Diabetes will want to use them!

That’s the slasher movie glucose test strip pack: ask for it by name!

AT&T Unlimited Messaging Ad

Some guy leans into a greenhouse to tell his wife about getting unlimited calling, and his wife rags on him and says she should have married someone else. Then he says it was  free, etc. And then he says that her bitchy behavior is the perfect excuse he needs to break it to her that he’s been sleeping with her sister, and that he’s going to divorce her for her sister! And not only that, but her sister told him to tell her the thing about the new unlimited calling plan, knowing that it would make her be a bitch, and that he could use it against her finally! And so now they can be together, and his bitchy wife will finally get her comeuppance, all thanks to AT&T cellular service! Yay!

Or did I misread this commercial somehow? Maybe I added something to it, but I can’t remember what.

Here’s the antagonistic ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elguO9usN4Q

Frosted Flakes Football Ad

This spot shows a father with his very young son playing football in their yard and then going inside to eat breakfast. But while playing football, Tony the Tiger is playing defense, and it looks to me like he’s letting that kid win. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’d think a tiger could disembowel a player with his sharp claws and tear out his throat with his sharp teeth. But then again, I guess he really just wants to sell cereal in this ad. But once the shoot is over, he might kill the camera crew! But hey, tigers are endangered, so I guess they can do whatever they want with impunity, from making our kids obese by selling fattening sugar-bomb cereal, to eating whoever they want to. Right?

Okay, I can’t find this commercial, but here’s one about baseball; and a tiger can eat baseball players too, right?:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZY52e4t9Cw

Did you notice how fathers don’t care what their kids eat? They’re always letting their kids eat cake and stuff! Bill Cosby had a comedy bit about this years ago. But it’s true! Do you see a mother in this commercial? No: you don’t! Do you know why? Because moms want kids to eat yucky crap that’s “good for them”! And that’s no fun! That’s why Tony the Tiger banned chicks from his commercials! In fact, maybe he ate them all just to make a point: sugar-coated stuff is great, and it’s mean to make kids ever eat anything else!

How California Can Solve Its Debt Problems

I live in California, and it’s really in trouble debt-wise. We’re drowning in red ink. And it’s harder than ever to wash it all off now that we’re being saddled with these new “water saving” (read: “person torturing”) shower heads. Oh, but this is the key to our future prosperity!

Okay, here’s the deal: Everyone who has these new shower heads knows they’re intolerable. We’re left with no water pressure, and a couple-minutes-long shower of yore now takes a half an hour to complete. And we’re still covered with itchy soap scum! It’s ridiculous! But I have the solution to this problem, and it can put the government on solid financial footing too! How can it be done, you ask? It’s simple!

The government should open up a new shower spa club for each town/community, where everyone pays a monthly dues fee like they would for a country club. And what do you suppose they’ll find there? Why, it’s a series of lockers, and then a row of the most beautiful shower stalls imaginable, with whatever water pressure you want. You know the Kohler ads where women are having orgasms in the shower? It will be like that. So everyone can come have a decent shower before work. And they can make extra money by having food trucks serving breakfast that they hand out on your way out to your car. (They take the order on your way in.)

See how great this would be? You just roll out of bed, grab your bag of work clothes, and go to the shower spa! Then you can bathe in radiant luxury and dry off with the most fluffy of velvety towels! Oh, and on the way out you grab your dream breakfast! It’s all included on your monthly tab! And the trick of it is: the government has created the need, and they provide the solution: for a price! That way, they fill the state coffers!

And how can they do this on limited water, you might ask? Well, they don’t cheat: that wouldn’t be fair. They simply replace their lawn with Astroturf, and they redirect all the sprinkler water indoors! You see, we’re allowed to water our lawns; we’re just not allowed to have a decent shower. Unless you want to take a shower on your front lawn in the sprinklers in your bathing trunks! But if you do, they’ll be sure to make that illegal next! Nope, you’ll have to join the state-run shower spa club! It’s the only way to stay clean!