There are many stories about the history of Halloween, but these are all invented to divert suspicion from the true origin of Halloween! That’s right: there is a nefarious secret agenda to the holiday of Halloween, and it stems from the government’s response to the obesity epidemic. (For the obesity epidemic is older than you think!) Most of us probably think of Halloween as a boom market time for the candy industry, and it is, but the intent was very different here, originally. For you see, Halloween was originally designed by the government’s Health and Human Services Dept. as a way to try to scare children away from candy!
I know what you’re thinking: another crackpot theory about secret government mind control experiments, but this is true! All you have to do is think about it logically. So this holiday has children dressing up as scary monsters and ghosts and stuff, and homeowners dressing up as scary stuff too, right? And then there is candy in the houses for the kids to come and get, right? But answer me this: if this holiday is designed to give kids free candy, then how come everyone is dressed up as scary monsters? The scary costumes are designed to scare kids away from the candy, and to scare the homeowners away from opening their doors to give out the candy, and it’s all mandated by the government!
Look, we all know this is yet another failed government program to try to scare children away from yummy candy, right? They tried everything, but nevertheless, children still insist upon seeking out delicious food to eat. What brats! So then the government came upon a brilliant idea: why not offer candy, but then scare the kids away from it by dressing up in scary costumes? Then the kids would be terrified of candy for life, because they’ll come to associate it with frightening creatures and ghosts and witches and stuff, and they’d surely come to think candy is haunted, right? But just like every other government program designed to change people’s behavior, it failed, simply making kids obsessed with horror and science fiction and monsters and stuff.
So yet another government behavior modification program backfired, making gorehounds and candy addicts of all our children! Oh, the shame of it! So to cover it up, the government destroyed all the secret files, and invented some spurious stories about ancient traditions, yadda, yadda. Then they infiltrated TV channels where they played government-made documentaries where they spin this fairy tale about the origin of Halloween, perpetrating another hoax upon the country, just like with the thing about aliens not secretly conquering the Earth, or man landing on the moon. Yeah right: we landed on the moon: like our Martian overlords who have their secret base on the moon would permit us to invade their moon! That’s about as likely as Halloween not being a failed government program to scare kids away from candy!
