There’s some thing called the 5-Star Response thingy, and they say: “5-Star Urgent Response: it’s help at the touch of a button!” This is basically like a Life Alert type of push-button remote control thingy, only it also has GPS in it, so they can find you no matter where you’re hiding and come and get revenge on you. Oh, I mean help you. (Sorry, I was thinking of another product there for a second: 5-Star Revenge.)
So this ad shows some old guy jogging or walking, or whatever he’s doing (maybe he’s stalking someone to kidnap them! He must be, otherwise why would John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted be the spokesman?), and he starts feeling like he’s having a heart attack (saving his intended victim!), so he presses the button, and the helpers on the other end of the line say they will send an ambulance. But it’s just a button on a remote control thing you put in your pocket: what if you sit on it while you’re driving and they send an ambulance? Will it chase you all over town, making you paranoid so you’ll try to escape, leading to a high-speed pursuit? I’m just wondering.
Then there’s another commercial for this thing where some young woman is walking to her parked car at night, and she’s afraid of the dark or something, so she presses the button, and the call center people stay in contact with her so they can hear all of her screams and stuff when that killer strikes! Oh, but he’s not going to get the chance tonight, because her stalker is actually that old man who’s having a heart attack! (It’s really well lit where the old guy is this evening.) And that’s an extra, secret feature on this device: it remotely gives a heart attack to anyone who’s stalking one of their customers, so long as they also have one of the devices (the attacker probably stole one from one of their other victims that this company failed to successfully protect and save).
But if they’re going to show someone who’s afraid of the dark being comforted by this call center, shouldn’t they have a little kid call in from bed at night? Kids are more scared of the dark than anyone, right? And on the first week of nights where their parents force them to sleep in the dark for the first time, hoping the monsters will get them finally, or for whatever other reason they might be doing it, the kid could press the panic button, and the nice people at the call center could be nice to the kid, and give him/her a false sense of security until the monster strikes (!). That would be a great ad! And then it turns out that this company really only exists to distract people in peril so their assailants can attack them more successfully, while they’re busy focusing on using the device. Mwa ha ha! And maybe John Walsh is doing it to get revenge for having his show America’s Most Wanted canceled!
But you know, if they’re going to make a product like this, shouldn’t they call it the “Panic Button”? Then they could show seriously frantic people completely spazzing out and panicking about something, and they press the “Panic Button”, and get saved by the company. Or with it called the "Panic Button", would it sound more like if you contacted them in an emergency, they would panic on the other end of the line, saying something like: "You're scared? Oh my God, you'll probably be killed! Aaaaa! You're a sitting duck out there! Run, run, run for your life! Quick, before they catch you! I can't listen anymore! I'm getting out of here!" (And then they drop the phone and run away in terror at the company.) Could that name make it seem like that sort of thing might happen? It just seems like it would be really easy to remember the “Panic Button”, and after all, that’s what it really is anyway, right? But then again, maybe there already is one of these devices that’s called the “Panic Button”, and they got beaten to the punch for using that name.
But if they’re going to call it “5-Star Response”, shouldn’t 5 movie stars, or rock stars, or sports stars, or TV stars, or Hip Hop stars come and rescue you when you're in trouble? Because after all, if you don’t get saved by 5 stars, then isn’t the name sort of false advertising? They've even got one TV star shilling for them right in the ad, so doesn't it suggest this idea, or at least 20% of the idea?
But if they’re going to call it “5-Star Response”, shouldn’t 5 movie stars, or rock stars, or sports stars, or TV stars, or Hip Hop stars come and rescue you when you're in trouble? Because after all, if you don’t get saved by 5 stars, then isn’t the name sort of false advertising? They've even got one TV star shilling for them right in the ad, so doesn't it suggest this idea, or at least 20% of the idea?
Here’s a 5-Star Response commercial with John Walsh, combining the two scenarios, proving that the heart attack guy really is the one trying to attack or abduct the woman (and they throw a lost kid scenario in there too, just so you won’t suspect that they’re secretly helping the old man abduct women):
Of course this is all a joke: this product looks like it could be very helpful for people in trouble, especially when they’re also lost. And John Walsh is a serious real-life hero! I’m just making fun of the ad scenarios to be silly.
