Rick Santorum is really big on abstinence education. It doesn’t matter to him if it leads to lots of teen pregnancy and STD passage, he doesn’t care: it’s abstinence education or no sex education at all! I told him it doesn’t work, so he laid out a new plan which is guaranteed to prevent pre-marital sex in our nation’s youth. The plan is, have a sex education class that tells all of its students that if they want to have pre-marital sex, it has to be with Rick Santorum first, and then they can do whatever they want after that. This would be a new law. And if it’s properly enforced, it may well end the scourge of teen pregnancy once and for all!
So finally someone has found a solution to this perennial problem of teen sex. The only problem is, what if all the teens call his bluff? Surely he wouldn’t go through with it, now would he? It couldn’t be possible that this is what he was planning on all along, to have sex with countless teenagers, now could it? Well, I’m certainly not suggesting that Rick Santorum wants to stop teen sex just so he can have them all for himself, but it would be the law, so he could hardly back out, you know.
Oh, but do you know what this would mean? Perhaps there might be some young men out there who would be willing to go through the horrors of Santorum sex to be able to be free to do whatever they wanted afterwards, and then Rick would have to have sex with them (!). Think of the embarrassment of his own policy backfiring on him like this, forcing him into performing underage gay sex himself! Oh, the shame of it!
Well, I tried to tell him, but he wouldn’t listen, and now it’s too late! I guess Rick Santorum will just have to hope that young gay men will have more respect for him than he’s had for them…
(P.S.: This is all a joke; of course there are no conditions under which Rick Santorum would condone teen sex unless they’re married Christians, and they promised their spawn away as Republican voters in utero.)
