I turned on the news tonight to find the Florida Primary results on CNN, so I switched over to Fox News, and what do you suppose I saw there? That’s right: It was Charles Krauthammer laying down the law on conservative values. And this reminded me that conservatism is really just trying to bring back our national roots, and that’s what a lot of power metal bands are doing, what with their swords and armor and stage shows and stuff. And then it hit me: Krauthammer would be a great name for a German or British power metal band! They could play Manowar-style metal, and they could gorily crush a bunch of fake severed heads with a giant hammer (called “The Kraut Hammer”), like some twisted, perverted version of Gallagher with his watermelons, spraying fake brains all over everyone. (Or would that be more like GWAR?) It would be awesome! I want to go see them right now!
And what they could do is have a song like Manowar did with the Orson Welles narration, but this time have Charles Krauthammer’s voice saying stuff about Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. And then they could put on a pair of chain mail gloves called the “Romney Mitts”, and they could use them to grab the Kraut Hammer to crush a big fake newt (!). It would be the best use of imagery from this whole boring campaign season!
This is Gallagher and his “Sledge-O-Matic”, for those of you who aren’t familiar with him/it:
And this is what Manowar sounds like:
And here’s the song with Orson Welles’s narration (No kidding! Look it up if you don’t believe me. It starts at 2:37.):
