We all watch football games, but many of us probably don’t realize that the official legal policy of the NFL is that nobody’s allowed to talk about the games without their previous written approval. Or at least, that’s what they say during the games. No, really: they say you can’t rebroadcast them and stuff, but then they say you can’t even give any verbal accounts of the games either. I’m not even kidding about this. If you don’t believe me, then listen for the legal disclaimer during the next game: that’s the actual policy: you’re not allowed to talk about it.
So that means we’re not allowed to talk about the game at work the next day around the water cooler: if you see or hear anyone doing it, call 911! That’s against the law, man! It’s like Fight Club: the rule is, you don’t talk about football! (Unless you ask the NFL first if it’s OK!)
So this raises an issue with me. Some business entity (any business entity) thinks that they have the right to muzzle us all about their product? So we’re not allowed to say anything about it at all? That’s absurd! I can see a federal judge giving someone a gag order because certain information might in some way damage an important legal case, or prejudice the jury against a defendant, but the idea that a televised sport has the same authority to place a gag order upon everyone is just ludicrous! Maybe they ought to have this restriction included in the First Amendment of the United States Constitution: "Freedom of speech, except about football games". What a bunch of egomaniac jerks! (But they’re big, so please don’t tell them I said this.)
But to get revenge for their arrogance and inflexibility, it would be funny if fans gave the NFL a legal request version of a “denial of service attack” (that’s when hackers overload a website with requests, so I’m told), where they all call in at once to ask if they can talk about the game at work, or in their carpools, etc. (Because, seriously: the way it’s currently worded, nobody’s allowed to talk about the game at work at all {they say we're not allowed to make any verbal descriptions of the game without prior written approval from the NFL! For real: they say that. The wording may not be exactly as I have it here, but that's what they mean.}, which is probably why at least 1/3 of people watch it in the first place: to have something to talk about at work! But I'm not suggesting that anyone actually do this; I just think it would be funny if they did.) Maybe if everyone did that, they’d drop the ridiculously overbearing language of their legal disclaimer which makes it sound like everyone will get hard prison time for talking about the previous day’s game with our friends. Otherwise, we’ll all be stuck saying stuff like this:
Football Fan #1: Hey man, did you see the game last night?
Football Fan #2: Yes! Man, it was, um… well, you know.”
Football Fan #1: Yeah, it was totally, um, you know…
Football Fan #2: I know! It was. But we really shouldn't be talking about this; we could get in trouble!
That’s what they are legally demanding of us with their blanket TV legal announcements. They might as well just say it: The first rule of NFL Football is, you don’t talk about NFL Football. The second rule of NFL Football is, (ditto). (Like with Fight Club.)
So that means that, literally, if you say to someone in a cab: “Did you see that kickoff return for 99 yards?”, the cab driver could be an undercover NFL operative waiting to bust you! And I’ll bet they’ve even got Dick Butkus and William “The Refrigerator” Perry in the trunk waiting to tackle you when you try to get out of the cab! Hey you never know! From the way they word it, it could be true!
I’m sorry, but I don’t have the patience to try to find exactly the quote I’m looking for (just listen for it during the next game on TV!), but if you have any doubts about their legal overkill, then look at this (it’s the terms of service for the NFL cable deal, and it’s very long and detailed):
