Poor Mitt Romney (obviously I’m speaking metaphorically: he is in reality fabulously wealthy!); he can’t seem to say anything without alienating someone! But last night he really stepped in some serious sasquatch sh*t when he called Newt Gingrich’s SuperPAC ad: “the biggest hoax since Bigfoot”. (!!!) Boy, he’s done it now!
Look, Bigfeet (Bigfoots?) don’t like to get a lot of media exposure, primarily because they value their privacy, and they hate the meddlesome government intervention into our lives that has dramatically increased with the establishment of the power-abusing nanny-state we’ve found ourselves living in lately; but they vote just like any other Americans do, and now he’s definitely lost their vote from now on (and despite his promises to curtail such expanded government interference into the private lives of American citizens, which is what Bigfeet are looking for in a presidential candidate: without halting the expanded scope of our federal government’s reach into people’s lives, they might be outed as extant beings and hence be mandated to buy health insurance and eat crappy health food too, which is the worst nightmare for mythological creatures!).
There’s just no backpedaling from this statement: Romney’s insulted them good, for good (as in: permanently)! And along with the Bigfoot vote goes all the Bigfoot hunters, all the UFO “researchers”, the conspiracy theorists, the tinfoil-hat crowd, etc., plus all the fans of that monster truck called “Bigfoot”, too. They’re all gone now, and that’s an important swing vote demographic! That’s why you have Democrats creating new Bigfoot entitlement programs, pandering for that all important legendary creature vote, targeting new recruits at monster truck rallies, etc.
So sorry, Romney: you’ve really blown it this time! And as someone from the Northeast, you really ought to know that Bigfoot is real. You know, just like an honest politician: they’re real too (so legend has it, anyway). But you know, they’re getting harder to find than Bigfoot these days. And when Romney denies the existence of Bigfoot, he’s just serving to sow that seed of doubt in all of our minds that the elusive sincere political candidate exists as well (because they are more rare and difficult to find than Bigfoot). And then we might begin to mistrust our government, as difficult as that may be for someone like Mitt Romney to believe.
Here’s the legendary gaffe:
