More and more of our children are morbidly obese. Liberal groups claim this is due to what they eat, and they attempt to force awful tasting crap into their mouths, forcing kids to wash the taste away with Hostess Twinkies, Cupcakes, Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, etc. (Oh, and they won’t let them get any exercise, either, because someone’s feelings might get hurt.) But are we really addressing the actual cause? I think not!
Look, we all know what’s going on here, right? Witches are doing this! They read like everyone else, and they found out that the witch who tried to eat Hansel & Gretel had to fatten them up before she could eat them, and that took too long, so she got pushed into her own oven and the children were rescued. Well, the other witches don’t want that to happen to them too, so they’ve cast a spell on all the kids to make sure they’re already pre-fattened-up, so there will be no more slipups as far as that’s concerned!
So, how do we combat this issue? Well, we could either go back to burning witches, or we’ll have to sacrifice some kids to them once in a while. And while the witch hunting thing seems a bit barbaric nowadays, the sacrifice angle could work to our advantage! Sure, nobody’s allowed to punish children anymore without being accused of child abuse, but we could always use the threat of selecting them for the next sacrifice as a behavior-modification exercise. And then we can just get rid of the most badly behaved brats, while scaring all the other ones into being good.
Actually, it’s such a win/win that maybe we ought to just act like we’re doing it just to get results. And we could also just tell the kids that the witches will snatch them and eat them up if they’re too fat. Maybe that would solve the obesity epidemic right there! You've heard of scaring them straight, right? Well, this is simply terrorizing them thin!
