Drew Brees broke some longstanding all-time yardage record in a recent win, and some dork (I mean, um, sportswriter) said it was a “classless move”. I agree! Nobody should be allowed to break records through accomplishment: it’s totally classless and selfish, and by its very nature, it makes other people feel inferior by comparison. Everyone should always accomplish the same performance, and that way, we’ll all feel like winners! People who accomplish amazing feats are just jerks who do so to try to rub it in that they’re talented, and that must be stamped out! Talent is a sin that must be punished for making others feel insecure! And having talent, and worse, using it, is “classless” indeed!
Sports by their very nature are designed to hurt people’s feelings by encouraging one team to defeat another, and this we can no longer allow or tolerate! But people enjoy playing and watching sports, so we’re going to have to let them keep doing it, as tasteless and yes, “classless” as it all is. But we’re going to have to stamp out all of this show-off-y display of talent stuff that only makes others feel inferior. And the way we’re going to have to do it is the way we’re forcing political correctness on everyone else: through the oppression of government overreach! Oh, sorry: did I say “oppression”? I meant “helpful encouragement and proper direction”. That’s what I meant to say.
So the government is going to have to step in and remove all the bluster and pomposity of sports, and replace it with a sort of communal camaraderie and kumbaya feeling, where everyone feels exactly as valuable and capable as everybody else. Only bullies want to feel superior, so that won’t be permitted any longer, as it might hurt others’ feelings, and we can’t permit that to occur to anyone ever again. So the government will set reasonable standards for how fast people are allowed to run, how high they may jump, when they may catch a ball, etc., and everyone will have to adhere to these standards rigorously.
But this won’t be enough by itself. Sports games can be stressful for athletes, but also for fans, so the government will simply decide who will be permitted to win each game, and by how much. But still, this could cause animosity, so I propose the government decide that every game end in a tie of some agreeable score for each team, so the players and fans will feel like there was enough scoring for it to be exciting, but not so much that the defenders feel bad or incompetent. (That’s mean, so we won’t allow it!) This way, by the end of each season, every team will have the same record (all ties of the same score), so everyone will be deemed a winner, and everybody will feel completely satisfied and equally valuable.
See? It’s perfect! And it solves all the problems of ego and competition in sports which by their very nature tend to divide people. Plus, as an added bonus, it will drive sports gambling out of business, since all games will have predetermined outcomes known to all in advance, so there will be nothing to bet about. So with no more hurt feelings, and no more striving for “accomplishments” and “excellence”, it will also end the scourge of steroids once and for all, and everyone will feel high on life just as they are, without any further destructive desires or longings that could lead to unacceptable selfish behavior such as drive or ambition. There is no place for such things in our society any longer, as they tend to make others feel insecure. And without these things to divide us, we’ll all live in harmonious contentment, each and every day a wonderful existence of utopian ideals in perfectly balanced practice. (Oh, and anyone who doesn’t like it will be imprisoned and/or executed.)
Sound good to everyone? It better!
(Actually, this is just a joke, and I really like that Drew Brees broke that record: it keeps sports exciting! And I really think they ought to let that kid score all the touchdowns he likes {in the story listed below}, because otherwise they are punishing him for excellence and success, which is a horrible lesson to teach children!)
Here’s the silly story:
And here’s an even sillier story, about a kid who’s not allowed to score too many touchdowns, because it makes the other kids feel worthless and disappointed that he’s better than them at football, so he must be punished by limiting his accomplishments:
