On Erin Burnett’s show tonight, she had some military analyst on talking about the threat of Chinese nuclear subs, and how we must be afraid, very afraid (!). And then they were talking about what we could do to counter the threat, etc. So this military guy said we ought to focus on technology to help us defeat this sneaky submarine specter, like “smart buoys” that could detect the presence of the Chinese commie crafts, and drones that could launch torpedoes to destroy them. And then was spoken perhaps the funniest and smartest retort I’ve heard made to a military analyst in living memory: Erin Burnett said, in a completely off-the-cuff manner: “Oh great, something else for them to hack into!” (Or something to that effect; I’m sorry, but I can’t remember her exact wording, but it was something like that.)
I almost fell over laughing when I heard that, and the military analyst looked totally burned up before they cut away from him, too. And it seemed like she didn’t even mean it as an insult, so much as a thinking-out-loud moment caught on camera. But she really hit the nail on the head, too! All of our technological marvels aren’t much help if someone else can hack into them and usurp control from us. If they can do that, then we’re just making high-tech weapons for our enemies. Awesome! Well, at least we’re going bankrupt doing it, too, so it’s not like we’d survive anyway. Maybe they can put us out of our misery. In fact, maybe that’s been the whole plan all along: spend us into bankruptcy with military weapons that are ultra-hackable, and before we can rise up and revolt against our corrupt and incompetent government for bankrupting the country, our enemies take control of our own weapons and destroy us all! Sound right to you? Well, it doesn’t sound any worse to me than what they’re actually doing, so what’s the difference?
But I digress…
So, there’s problems with computers and stuff, but there is a way we can fight this submarine threat without opening ourselves up for hacking problems, and that’s like this: What we ought to do is create a genetically engineered super-intelligent species of killer whales, and get them addicted to a diet of Chinese food! Then, all we have to do is tell the whales that there’s all they can eat Chinese food in the Chinese submarines, if they can just get inside! Then they’ll attack the Chinese submarines, and we’ll have plausible deniability! See? It’s a foolproof strategy that can’t miss! (Unless the killer whales get mad that there’s no Chinese food in the submarines. But I say: Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it! Because after all, whales can’t get us on a bridge anyway, so what are we worried about?)
