I’ve been hearing it from more and more people in recent years: you must raise your child as a vegan, or you’ll, like, poison them, and everything, you animal torturer/murderer and child abuser! But is this a good idea? Well, it is if you want the world to be razed in a bloodbath of carnage and oppression! Know why? Well, I’ll tell you.
Okay, if you feed kids a vegan diet, it will stunt their growth, and they’ll (barely) grow up to be short. And guess who else was short? That’s right: all the major tyrants who tried to conquer the world: Napoleon, Hirohito, Stalin, Mussolini, Hitler (well, Hitler wasn’t that short, but let’s pretend he was, just for the sake of this argument), Simon Bar Sinister, Boris Badenov (of Boris & Natasha), Marvin the Martian, etc: everyone who tries to conquer the world is always short, and do you know why? Well, it’s because they’re jealous of everyone else for being tall, and they want to get revenge. (Search your feelings: you know it to be true! {<That is a quote from Darth Vader, to try to make you forget that he was tall! But he’s just a fictional character, unlike all the others on my list, who are real!}) And this is how the vegans plan on conquering the world!
You see, once the short mad guy conquers the world, he can force everyone under pain of death to eat only vegan food (which is what the vegans would like to do right now!), and that would ensure that nobody could ever grow taller than them! See how insidious it all is? And it’s not just about wanting everyone to have to eat yucky, unpalatable food; it’s a plot to conquer the world! And this will leave us all too short and weak to fight the menace of the Mole Men and the invasions from outer space (when they come: and they will; they will!).
So, now that you know about it, what are you going to do about it? I think the way we should handle this is to all wear a cologne called: “Beef Burger”. (Isn’t there already one called: “Bacon”? That might work too.) That way, it will repel the vegan hordes before they can strike, and thus save humanity from their tofu-y oppression!
