I was watching TV last night, and I got ambushed by that Super Beta Prostate ad again, and I noticed for the first time (because I couldn't hit the mute button fast enough to miss it) that Joe Theismann says: "...made from a scientific breakthrough plant sterol called Beta-Sitosterol, which helps relieve your sudden urges to go to the bathroom." And that got me to thinking: how come plants would want to relieve my sudden urges to go to the bathroom? I mean, I know he says it's a new scientific breakthrough, but that's just in the discovery of the fact that plants have this thing they create to try to help all of our sudden urges to go to the bathroom.
Now, I think there are two possible reasons plants might want to help relieve our sudden urges to go to the bathroom: one, they're tired of being pissed on by people (I mean, animals are bad enough, but at least animals haven't got a pharmacy's-worth of drugs in their systems like we do! These plants are probably getting enlarged and tender breasts, hooked on painkillers, stoned on benzodiazepines, whacked out on anti-psychotics, and spazzed out on antidepressants.), and they figure that if they relieve these sudden urges, people will make it to where they're going in time to use a proper bathroom, and then the sewage will all go into the ocean and be the fish's problem.
Of course, the other reason for why plants might want to help relieve that sudden urge to go to the bathroom is the same reason why they might want to help us in a general sense with all the other marvels scientists find in plants that help humans: they want to thank us for all those CO2 emissions (they breathe that stuff: it's like oxygen is to us!), and to thank us for global warming, which will make them thrive and grow in size and conquer the world, like happened on the planet where The Thing From Another World is from (as in the 1951 movie of the same name: he was a plant monster guy. And actually, it is a little-known fact, but he's from Earth! He just accidentally slipped through a wormhole on a space mission that sucked him backwards in time to long before the plants took over and then he crash-landed back on his own home planet in the distant past to menace cold humans.).
Oh, and now that I think about it, I suppose there's also possibly a third reason for why they want to help relieve those sudden urges: disposable diapers. Yes, it used to be that disposable diapers were just for babies, but they're not just for babies anymore! Yes, lots of adults are living longer, and they're getting slightly leaky with the bladder stuff, and so there's now a huge boom in adult diapers and pads to help with preventing embarrassing accidents, which then get tossed into a landfill and probably make the soil and water taste funky for the plants. So now the plants are making this Beta-Sitosterol stuff to help prevent those sudden urges and, hopefully, reduce the need for the adult diapers. (Well, at least nobody can accuse plants of secretly investing in adult diaper companies.)
