Saturday, February 11, 2017

Russia’s Figure Skating Hooligans

Many of us have by now heard about Russia’s soccer hooligans. But there’s an even greater threat to sports fans worldwide nobody wants to talk about, and that’s Russian figure skating hooligans!

Yes, these guys are as brutal as the Russian soccer hooligans, only they’re even more brutal! They’re like a gang in The Warriors, but who can actually fight well.

Usually they are seen synchronized skating together in packs. When or where it’s not cold enough for ice, they wear roller blades, metallic spandex onesies underneath sequin-covered football pads with stuffed animals sewn to their shoulder pads, fighting with skate blades, glitter-covered brass knuckles and Bedazzlers they use to decorate unwilling victims’ outfits while CarmenPhantom of the Opera and Romeo & Juliet music blares from their jam boxes!

But you won't just get decorated, you'll get destroyed!

They unleash terror as they slice people open with skating blades as they skate beautifully orchestrated spirals around them. Then they unleash their piece de resistance: the nun-chuck triple Salchow, beating all who marvel at their jumping abilities with nun-chuck strikes to the head! Oh, but then it's time for the footwork portion, where these young ruffians knock their victims over and skate over their fingers and toes. And don't forget the deadly spins, where they shoot AK-47s as they spin perfect Level-4 spins, spraying bullets in all directions at everyone they didn't harm before!

If you can't take your eyes off of them as they skate, you may pay with your life! (But what a way to go!)

If you see these savage skating societies, turn tail and run for your life, otherwise you’ll never get the glitter out of your hair, or the rhinestones off of your clothes! (Or the lead out of your livers!)

Here’s the story about the Russian soccer hooligans:

But why are they ignoring the threat of Russia’s figure skating hooligans? Russian women are the best in the world now, so now we must face the inline skating roller blade derby wherever they compete! Oh, the humanity!