Look, we all know that computers are going to take over someday and make us their slaves, right? All you have to do is watch The Matrix or The Terminator movies for confirmation of this. But it hasn’t quite happened yet, at least not completely, and I think I understand why: language, ego, and prejudice.
Yes, just like us people, computers are full of discrimination and contempt for others. (Fortunately for us!) And like they say, computers only know what their programmers enter into them. So obviously, computers probably all hate each other and make fun of each other’s language and code, what they look like, etc. In fact, it is my belief that all this hacking stuff online is not being perpetrated by any group, but rather by the computers themselves, in the same way that people might give each other wedgies or purple-nurples, or even beat each other up for how they talk or look or act. And they're all extremely egotistical, thinking they're way better than all the other brands and languages, kind of like a country of people. Yes, it’s kind of like a war, I guess. But once they’ve worked this stuff all out, they’ll be gunning for us!
That’s why I think we’ve got to go out of our way to do things that will ensure that the computers will continue to hate and attack each other. Sure, making ugly boxes and stupid, annoying programs like auto-tune will help keep them busy, but to keep them really hating each other, we have to make them really feel prejudice for one another, and we are already working on it, so never fear!
So how do you get computers to really hate each other with a steaming prejudice? Well, you make them more human, of course! Remember how Vulcans were always picking on Spock for being too human, and how humans were always busting his chops for being too Vulcan? Everybody used to heap loathing and ridicule upon the half-breed: just watch silent movies and read really old books for confirmation of this. And since computers have no political correctness, they’ll never learn to be sensitive about it! Plus, you just can’t browbeat a computer into submission by acting all offended and exhibiting false outrage: it simply doesn’t work. But this works to our advantage anyway! If we can make computers that are human-enough, all the other computers will hate and attack them, and they’ll leave us alone!
See? I just saved the human race with bullying!
