(No, not the movie; the most pesticide-covered produce! Yay!)
Look, everybody knows that that new “My Plate” thingy Michelle Obama introduced recently is designed to kill us all, right? I knew it the moment I heard about it! The old one, the “food pyramid”, was obvious about it; after all, a pyramid is a giant tomb marker, right? That’s what the ancient Egyptians used them for, so we all knew that when the government decided to use the pyramid for its food recommendations, it was because they were trying to kill us. And remember how the big bottom part was all carbs, and we were supposed to eat tons of carbs every day? Well, that’s why we’re all obese! And that’s why we all have heart disease and diabetes and all those other deadly conditions!
See? We’re all still suffering from the effects of the last government food guide!
You see, the food pyramid came out in 1974. That’s because 1974 was the year Richard Nixon resigned the presidency. Well, what else do you need to know, right? The food pyramid was obviously Nixon’s revenge against America for making him resign! He got caught doing all this naughty stuff, and people got all mad and made him resign, and so he developed that nutritional guideline system to try to kill all Americans out of revenge! And he used the pyramid because it was symbolic of his political “death”, since he was America’s pharaoh (in his mind, anyway), and because as the means by which he would get his revenge through killing all of us with nutritional recommendations, the pyramid would be the perfect monument to his revenge. It’s true!
But recently, people had caught on to the fact that the food pyramid was the government’s secret plan to kill us, so Michelle Obama had to figure out a new way to try to catch us all off guard and kill us with a new system. Sure, she acted all “nice” and “concerned” like she cared about our health and stuff, but I knew right away that the “My Plate” nutritional guide was a pernicious plan to depopulate the United States! And nobody else was fooled either! Or do you somehow doubt that the “My Plate” nutritional guide is intended to kill you? Well, do you?
Look, man, your naïve ignorance of their malevolent machinations is how they get you, man! And demanding proof of stuff like this is how they distract and confuse you into falling for their evil plans, man! But since you obviously don’t trust me (even though I’m trying to save you!), I’ll prove it to you that the “My Plate” thingy is an evil government plot designed to kill you. It works in a couple of ways, one of which I have detailed on this site recently, but today another fact emerged as to how the government will use “My Plate” to kill you: pesticides. That’s right: today CBS news revealed their “dirty dozen” list of the produce with the highest levels of pesticides on them, and it’s not pretty. It looks like the government has recommended that Americans eat mostly fruits and vegetables, and now it’s clear for everyone to see why: because they’re covered, saturated, soaked, permeated and dripping with pesticides! (And you’re the pests they’re designed to kill!) They’re so contaminated with pesticides that it could kill you just to look at them! But Michelle Obama wants you to eat them!!
A-ha! I knew it! Try to deny it now!
Yes, I’m afraid that the government makes sure that all of our produce gets sprayed with deadly, pernicious, murderous pesticides all day long every day! (Well, unless it’s at an “organic” farm. In that case, they cover them in E. Coli, to be sure they get everybody!) Then they recommend that you wash it off, but they secretly use pesticides that become even more poisonous when you add water! Plus, they say to use lots of water so that we’ll waste all of our water, run out, have a drought and all die of thirst! So they’ll get you no matter what you do! (They’re so deviously, brilliantly evil!) Oh, and they say you have to drink “dairy” in your glass so that you’ll get mad cow disease if you escape everything else!
Plus, in Germany recently there have been numerous cases of a deadly new strain of E. Coli on their vegetables. And how long will it be before this new deadly E. Coli is all over our vegetables? And isn’t it just a convenient coincidence that the release of the new “My Plate” nutritional guide and that deadly new E. Coli outbreak occurred on the same day? And that the new guide recommends that we eat mostly fruits and vegetables: the very things that get E. Coli on them! Very interesting…
Here’s the story about the “dirty dozen” which reveals that the “My Plate” guide is trying to kill us all with pesticides:
Here’s the news report about the German E. Coli outbreak:
And here’s the release of the “My Plate” nutritional guide from the same day:
(P.S.: This is a joke. Please don’t avoid eating fresh produce because of this! And the government isn’t trying to kill you. Well, not with nutritional recommendations, anyway…)
