Okay, this is maddeningly lame! First we’re not allowed to blow our hands off with M-80s, and now we’re not even allowed to go see fireworks on the Fourth of July! What the hell? Aren’t we allowed to have any fun anymore?
Not in California, apparently. That’s right: hippies have ruined our lives and spoiled everyone’s fun again, and this time it’s because they hate America for sure! (No more of this “Oh, we don’t hate America, this is for your own good” stuff; they can’t deny it this time!) Yes, now they say nobody is allowed to have fireworks displays on Independence Day anymore. Well, we all know why this is, right? Obviously it’s because we no longer have any independence to celebrate! Fireworks might remind us of this and make us mad, and so we’re not allowed to have fireworks anymore.
Now, I’m not talking about personal fireworks like firecrackers and Roman candles and stuff; no, the Patriot Act has surely deemed them terrorist weapons, so naturally we’re not allowed to have them anyway. And that’s fine. (We shouldn’t be allowed to have any fun. But can’t we at least see cool stuff?) No, this is different, because it’s about the big city fireworks spectaculars that attract all the tourists and keep everyone busy looking up so all of our local criminals can pick their pockets and stuff. So won’t this hurt the local economy? And then what will happen? Obviously, with the economy in tatters, people will ask the government for help, and they’ll have no choice but to foist communism on everybody; and without fireworks to remind us of our history, we’ll all fall for it! And there’s no escape!
So that’s their dirty plan! I knew it! (I’ve tried to warn you before, and now this article I just wrote proves I was right!)
