Recently, a panel of international stoners, um, I mean, statesmen tried to say that the “War on Drugs” has been lost, and that all the countries of the world should just legalize, or at least decriminalize them, man. Naturally, this didn’t go over too well here at home in the United States, where making sure nobody ever gets to have any fun is the main job of the government. They’ve got it into their little heads that if hippies are allowed to smoke pot, society will collapse around us and anarchy will reign supreme. Actually, I think the opposite will happen, and that’s why I think it’s such a good idea!
We’ve all seen it on the news every day practically: communists and anarchists are protesting and trying to topple governments worldwide. It’s panic in the streets, and governments hiding in their stone fortresses biting their nails and stuff. But who are all these anti-government agitators? Well, who is it who always protests and stuff about war and communism and all that crap: it’s hippies, isn’t it? Of course it is! And what would happen if pot was legal (or all drugs, probably)? Naturally, all the hippies would be getting stoned all the time, and they’d forget to protest and riot and stuff. It’s the simplest solution imaginable for all the rising tension in the world!
Think of it this way: hippies are über-liberals, and über-liberals are commies, and commies are agitators, etc., etc. So there’s one way to defuse that whole group immediately! Legalize drugs so they can get stoned all the time! They’d take ecstasy and go hug the riot squad rather than throw Molotov cocktails at them. They’d take acid and just watch their fingers make trails and stuff in front of their eyes and play with their hands and stuff all day. And of course, they’d smoke marijuana and just sit around and try to eat Cheetos with cotton-mouth all day long and watch The Teletubbies or Lidsville or whatever on TV. Even the professional agitators would just start sitting around and forget to protest after awhile. It’s no wonder government types from all over the world want to do it; it’s a brilliant plan that can’t fail!
But we know they won’t do it here in the states, because in this land of the Puritans, they’d rather have rioting in the streets than take the chance of letting anyone have fun even if it’s only by accident. Yes, our buzzkill government knows what’s best for us, and that’s to not let anyone ever get high, because it’s evil, especially for medicinal purposes! Plus, in our hyper-stressed-out society, if people were allowed to relax and get high every once in a while, then nobody would ever get to use their guns for spree-shootings and stuff, and then the Second Amendment would just seem like a waste after awhile.
Nope, we can’t let people get high legally here. Besides, it would put all those underworld drug lords and criminal gangs out of business virtually overnight, and they’re the only ones who are actually creating jobs right now, so we can’t allow that! They’d all go on welfare at once, and the President’s job numbers would look bad, so we can’t allow that! Plus, it might lose money for the big pharmaceutical companies, and the stock market shell game might be exposed. But guess what: if we were all high, we probably wouldn’t notice anyway! And even if we did, we’d be too high to do anything about it! So what’s the difference?
I don’t even like marijuana myself, but I know a lot of people who do, and it seems like they always have all they could possibly want or need anyway. So why bother with having it be illegal in the first place? If drugs were legal, they could be regulated for dosage and safety, etc., and there would be a lot less overdoses and stuff, plus we could tax it and save all the money we’re currently wasting on this stupid “war” that’s not even helping anything except criminal gangs get rich.
But the funniest thing about all of this in the US is that our government keeps on celebrating how “free” we all are here. If we’re not allowed to grow a naturally-occurring plant, or get pain medication if we’re in pain, or get high once in a while when we’re stressed-out and miserable, then we’re not really free at all, are we? Our drug laws are ridiculous, and they’re killing thousands of people every year, in addition to condemning countless lives to rotting away in prison where they will learn how to become real criminals for when they get out. This is all making the whole problem worse, not better! Why not actually let us have the freedom they always trumpet about and give us some drugs, man! Then we’ll all be too high to remember to complain about stuff anymore anyway, dude.
Here’s the stoner story:
