I was flying to California from Newark Liberty International Airport yesterday, and while walking to my gate, I saw a burger place called “Smash Burger”. I thought it should be called “Smashed Burger”, what with all the drunk pilots we keep hearing about. Then they’d all want to get their burgers from there. They could even have a specialty burger for smashed pilots that has a minty or peanut-buttery sauce which masks the smell of the alcohol on their breath after they eat it. That one should sell like crazy! Isn’t that a good business plan?
In fact, it would be even better for big college towns! With the name “Smashed Burger”, all the inebriated frat boys would want to go there after a big booze bender, and with drunk people always coming in, you know they’re going to spend a lot of money, or else drop it all on the floor while paying for their order. (Maybe they could have a special job for a guy who comes and sweeps up all the cash before the drunk people notice that they've dropped it!) And I guess they could also have the house special “Smashed Burger” that's marinated in grain alcohol, and maybe have like a liquid, liquor center in it (perhaps roughly a shot's-worth of booze), kind of like that Freshen-Up Gum*. So when you bite into it, you get a refreshingly intoxicating squirt of liquor in your mouth! Yum! And they could have it made to order with whatever kind of booze you want, naming them appropriately, e.g.: the "Bacardi Burger", the "Beefeater Burger", etc.
Then to make even more money, the company could branch out with “Stoner’s Pizza”, a pizza place designed to cater especially to stoned people! Or do all of them already do that? Um, I guess they probably do. But what will give these guys the edge will be a team of drug-sniffing dogs that walk around college campuses and inform the restaurant where people are smoking marijuana. Then they will simply send out a pizza to those locations, and they will seem to arrive as if by magic to the high potheads. Then they will shower the delivery guy with all of their money out of appreciation! (If they have any. {Well, maybe that's not the best business plan, expecting potheads to have money!})
* Here is that gum I'm talking about:
And here's a great old ad for it ("The gum that goes: Squirt!"):
