Everyone knows today’s popular music is crappy and lame, but I didn’t know until recently that it is actually killing people! Two people have been killed by painfully poisonous, pernicious pop this week at the Bonnaroo festival. They’re trying to say that it was really hot out or whatever, but that just proves they’re trying to cover it all up due to bribes from bad musicians’ publicity agents. Yes, reports are coming in that the music is so intolerably lousy at the Bonnaroo that people are being forced into turning to illegal drugs to make the festival bearable! Can you imagine? People having to get high on dangerous narcotics just in order to be able to escape from the horrible torture of today’s pop music? It’s inhuman!
I’ve never heard of such a thing as people doing drugs at a concert! This surely proves how torturously appalling this music must be! I can hardly believe it! This must be some kind of new low in pop culture. But I do understand it…
Recently, I heard some famous samba musician from Brazil on NPR, and they were playing some of his great classics in between talking to him. Then, just when I thought I was safe from the pernicious attack of crap, this guy says that will.i.am from The Blackeyed Peas* went to visit him and wanted to do something together with him. So then they played what the result was, and it was just this guy playing his wonderful music, one of his great classic hits from the 1960s, and then will.i.am starts talking over it in a lame voice that totally ruined it, and then they made it even worse by overdubbing some lame drum machine crap over that! I was driving on Mulholland Drive when that came on, and I practically drove over the cliff to escape the torture and degradation of it all! It made me long for the sweet release of dangerous narcotics to escape its hideous visage. Oh, the humanity!
So I can understand people dropping dead from having to hear this kind of crap live in front of them. I might too. All I can say is: hide your ears!
* (From what I can tell, will.i.am seems like one of the nicest guys in the whole world. Fergie seems very nice too. I like them a lot as people. That’s why it pains me to have to say that their music is probably the worst, most annoying excrement I’ve ever been subjected to in my entire life, and I’ve heard a lot of crap over the years! Oh well, I guess nobody’s perfect.)
Here’s the terrifying story:
