My father’s cell phone went off, and the ringtone played, prompting my mother to say: “I like that. It sounds nice.” And as a joke, I said: “It sounds kind of tinny to me: not enough bass.” And it was: it sounded just like one of those old plastic battery-operated transistor radios from the 1970s. You know, the kind people used back before there were things like jamboxes and Walkmans and Discmans and iPods and all the way up to the pinnacle of technology and convenience: the Zune! (Or was the Zune the thing that nobody wanted? Oh, I forget… {I’m not up on all of these newfangled contraptions!})
Remember back when everyone was carrying a boom-box around? And what was the most highly advertised and promoted feature of the boom-box: so much so that it was printed really big on the box itself in extremely large (usually red) letters? Yes, of course it was the “Super Deep Bass”! Well, what with all the teensy-tinesy-ization of everything electronic in the past couple of decades, this all-important feature has been left in “the dustbin of history” (like Reagan would have said); and I think it’s a shame, as we’re more the poorer for it! (More poorer? Um… Oh, never mind!)
Yes, people complain about stuff like cell phone ringtones going off in the movie theater, or at an important meeting, or in interviewees pockets on TV talk-shows, etc., but that’s all just a bunch of whiny bullcrap! Some stupid tinny-sounding piece of crap speaker in a little plastic cell-phone going off in someone's pocket isn’t nearly as annoying or disruptive as it would be if everyone had a big speaker system with a giant pulsating subwoofer and surround-sound attached to it! Now that would vibrate everybody’s chairs, rattle the windows, shake loose false-teeth, trigger migraines, etc.: the whole nine yards! Now that would be something to complain about! And this is the technical-innovation product we’ve all been waiting for!
Yes, now you can have ear-splittingly high-fidelity cell-phone ringtones blasting from your person when you buy the new “Audiophile Backpack”, with 300 watts of amplification power! Here’s how it works: Simply connect your cellular telephone, or mp3-player through blue-tooth to the Audiophile Backpack, put the backpack on, and you’ll have huge stereo-system sound blaring wherever you go! No more of this pansy-assed hiding behind your earphones or earbuds! That makes you seem ashamed of your music! But with the Audiophile Backpack, you can share your wonderful taste in music and ringtones with the rest of the world! Plus, with our new speakerphone feature, you can punish people who complain about your cell-phone use in theaters during movies by cranking up both sides of your conversation so loud, it’s guaranteed to drown out the movie! Plus, with the new locking chair-strap option, you can make it so they can’t remove you from your seat, and they’ll all have to listen to you whether they like it or not!
So get the “Audiophile Backpack”, and you can have your own, personal “boom-box Jeep” right on your back! Be the life of the party! Start a competitive dance-off wherever you go! With bass this deep, everyone will want to boogie down! That’s the “Audiophile Backpack”! Ask for it by name wherever other, annoyingly asinine products are sold! (Briefcase version also available for jerky businessmen!)
