I’ve just heard of another robbery story where some woman and her kids were saved by police in the nick of time from some guy trying to break in her bedroom door. The reporters said that the guy was arrested, and appeared to be on drugs. This addresses one of the most important issues of our day in a failing economy like the one we’re currently in, and so I thought I should give everyone a piece of serious advice when it comes to violent crime: if you’re going to do crimes, be on drugs.
Everyone knows drugs are super-fun to be on when you attack people, right? You just have to watch movies to know that. Take Death Wish, for example: the attackers that started the whole movie’s roller-coaster-ride of carnage were on drugs, right? Otherwise, why would they have been listed in the credits as: “Freak 1”, “Freak 2”, etc. (BTW, Jeff Goldblum’s whole career got started by his wonderfully soulful and gripping performance as “Freak 1”. So poignant; so convincing! You could almost believe his acting even if he was turning into a fly or something. But actually, I remember him as being listed as “Freak 3”. Is someone trying to up his freak status or something?)
So then, obviously, you should get drugs before you attack or rob anyone. It just makes it way more fun. Plus, you have an excuse for why you did it! (The drugs made me do it!) It’s just good business, and it’s just responsible behavior all-around.
Ask any lawyer or drug addict: it just makes sense to be on drugs when you perpetrate crimes. It’s more fun, and you get away with it. Seriously: you can’t lose! Besides, it’s cheating to spend ill-gotten gains on stuff like food. So, when you buy drugs, you’re renewing the cycle of crime, and that’s just good karma all around. Right? Right.
Disclaimer: This is a joke. Please don’t get drugs, commit crimes, get caught, and then blame me for suggesting it. (I’ll just deny it anyway.)
