The New Hampshire GOP Debate was tonight, and one of the big issues was that of illegal aliens and government benefits. Finally, someone has the courage to bring this issue up. This is really serious business, and it’s about time we settled it.
First, aliens were just flying their saucers and UFOs around in rural areas, mutilating cattle and abducting red-necks and farmers to give them the anal probe. It was all fun and games, and everyone enjoyed it. Cottage industries sprung up across the countries making documentaries about UFOs and selling t-shirts with little gray humanoids on them, and tons of jobs were created for the usually unemployable types like pot-head hippies, conspiracy theorists and the tin-foil hat crowd. But something went wrong along the way, and I’ll just spell it out for you what the culprit is: welfare.
That’s right: aliens found out that if they lived here in the United States, they could collect government benefits even if they weren’t citizens, and they’ve been invading us ever since. There were lots of horror and sci fi movies in the 1950s showing the horrors of what an alien invasion would be like, but the truth is far worse than we ever could have imagined! Okay, they’re not disintegrating us all with laser pistols, but they are bankrupting our country with all the welfare they’re collecting! Remember the movie E.T.? It turns out that he phoned home to tell them about all the free stuff he got here, and now their whole planet is collecting food stamps! They’re all hiding out in Area 51, and it’s super top secret since the government doesn’t want to cut their big spending E.T. welfare program because they’re pandering for the inter-planetary voting block! It’s all true!
