Activists in San Francisco are trying to outlaw two new things now through ballot initiatives: one is an attempt to ban circumcisions proposed by a group calling themselves “intactivists”, and the other is an attempt to outlaw the selling of goldfish by some animal-rights activists. Naturally, there has been an outcry by sensible people to oppose these measures, but I guess they’re just going to have to vote it out.
I have a suggestion, however, that could solve the problem by combining these two separate activist causes into one proposed law: a ban on circumcisions for goldfish. That way, everyone would only have to vote once for both issues, and the result wouldn’t make any normal, level-headed people upset; plus, the activists could claim victory about something and feel like they were making a difference somehow, while at the same time relieving the rest of us from having to live under the tyranny of silliness.
I lived in San Francisco for about four years, from 1996 to the dreaded Y2K, and while I loved the city, it does have its share of loony-tunes who always want to force their way of life on everyone else. Of course I’m referring to the hippies who live there, always trying to make everyone smoke marijuana and listen to old bootleg Dead tapes. Oh, yes, and the animal-rights activists, who seem to be running wild up there, as it were. I guess they learned how to run wild from all the animals they’ve been rescuing from evil pet owners. But then again, they’re really just another offshoot of the radical hippie base anyway, aren’t they? And wouldn’t it make Abbie Hoffman proud, knowing that these animal-rights people are helping goldfish throw off the chains of oppression, so to speak. I sure hope they’re teaching the goldfish to “Never trust anyone over the surface of the water”, or “Never trust anyone who breathes with lungs”. I know I never do; at least not since these crazy hippies started showing up with their penis petitions and goldfish government-intervention stuff.
Here are the silly stories, for those of you who don’t believe me:
